R & R on demand - project me day 395
It has been a very exciting week with so many reasons to be proud of me. Back to gym was the biggest of them.
It's been a challenging week too with having to deal with money conversations with people I value more than a currency.
It's been a bonding week where sibling rivalry and the power of truth has pulled my little sis and I together as the final days of to the wedding approach.
It has been a powerful week Lifeology and my blogs are changing direction and there is so much more clarity on what I want to do and how I want to do it.
That is why the last thing I expected, but the one thing I should have known happened in the middle of a shopping centre on a Sunny Saturday.
Out of the blue I just couldn't take one more step. I know the warning signs when enough is enough and my back is demanding that I rest.
I know I have chosen the longer route to heal my?sequestrated disk in my back, but I can't tell you the number of people who have warned me against the back op ... not that it's in my nature to jump to an op anyway.
Of course the tears welled up and I was a bundle of frustration and nerves by the time I finally got back home. It was also a busy day at the house with all the nephews and siblings running about. Ipod in the ears and pumped up with medicine, I rested for the day ... but today's the big one.
As much as my sister and I have bonded, discussed our differences and loved shopping together, I just can't do anything today. They are all off to see a play and my sis is abandoning my brother-in-law. I thought we would go for some lunch, but that won't be happening either. Not because I don't want to but because my body is shouting at me so loudly that I know not to risk it.
I have a flight to catch next week and a wedding the week after. I can't risk being too hard on myself. It's not easy because I thought I was done with the lying around to heal my back and trust me when I say there's a big difference between chilling pain free and resting full of pain.
So that's my Sunday ... how's yours?
A lot can happen over a lamb korma - project me day 394
We all have a place, a passion and our favourite things. Sometimes it all accumulates into one perfect moment and last night was one of those. My place is Thava Indian Restaurant, my passion is teaching and my favourite things are a combo of incredible company, very chilled wine and hysterical reasons to laugh in public.
I have been anticipating this evening for so many reasons. Long after the excitement over my Sexpo talks settled last year, myself and the team from the Sensual Boutiques in Cape Town have been anticipating a moment that I can fly down, see the gorgeous stores and do some talks for the girls out there.
Last night was dinner with the The Boss and Red (His wife).
Thava are my sponsors because of one simple thing ... they are the best Indian Restaurant that I have had the joy of eating at in my town. I grew up with my father dragging us from place to place and even though I don't eat anything that's a touch beyond mild, I have had my fair share of food to know outstanding food when I savour it. We all have a place we like to take our friends or business associates to impress and Thava is mine. This is my best part ... you stare at the array of choices for ages and finally settle on a dish and then the waiter comes along and takes control. He suggests a little of this and a dash of that and totally finishes off the meal for you. Red was just nodding and saying 'bring it on'. That's the way it should be done.
Fried ice cream! I indulge my way through sesame fried prawns as mains, savour my way through chicken korma and literally fall quiet while getting totally lost in fried ice cream. It's another one of those foodie things that my dad introduced me to along the way.
Half business and half getting to know an incredibly special couple that restores my faith in happily ever after only added to the perfect evening. Besides the silence of the ice cream indulgence, it was laughs, giggles, laughing too loud for a public place, talking too loud for a public place and giggling some more. I needed it! Lifeology needed it! ?It's been a long time coming and it was so easy to mix business and pleasure with exciting moments of my bright future flashing glimmers across the conversation.
Well that does blow the big wedding?surprise! I was going to colour my hair just before and do the big reveal at the wedding but there's no way I can go to Cape Town looking like this. So next week it's going dark with a reddish tinge and the week after it's a dream come true business opportunity with Sensual Boutique and the week after it's my little sis's wedding! Wow ...
Warning: Woman at work - project me day 393
It's as it states. Step aside, don't disturb, make way, don't talk to me, don't breathe near me, I'll make my own tea thank you very much ... I'm working!
It's bad when I contemplate turning down spending time with my very dear friends even when they say all laptops will be present and everyone will be working. My questions is will they be working in silence. That's highly unlikely when My Knight has a rambling of Chuck Norris jokes that he keeps throwing into the silence of my work zone and Greggie burst out laughing from behind his computer, knowing the curiosity is going to gnaw away at me until I know what ?the giggles are for.
I'm Libran, I chat a lot! So you know when I put my blinkers on and Greggie has to ask if I'm ok that I've hit the zone. I like the warning he gave My Knight about The Zone, not that it stopped the Norris jokes.
The focus and determination has a purpose though. Firstly, with going back to gym and taking a herbal?concoction of tablets to help strengthen my body, I'm feeling more alive again. Let's not kid ... I can't sit for too long still and I am overdoing it a little, but I can see the vision of success before me. I can almost touch it and I know what I have to do to get it.
There are changes! In my energy and my direction and my plans. Some of them I still have to work on before I send you in the direction to check them out. Oh, that's the other side of me ... the 'everything must be perfect' side!
There's a lot on my plate, yet somehow I've managed to focus on what's important at the moment and remind myself that I will take care of each thing as it comes along. I won't lie and say they aren't niggling at the back of my mind and maybe all the focus on work is distracting me a little, but let's make hay while the sun shines, right?
My friend Robbie keeps reminding me that the only thing constant is change. There are two kinds of change, those you make happen yourself and those that life throws at you. I've decided to put that working girl helmet on and deal with those that I can make happen myself so that when life's changes come along I know how strong, ready and adaptable I really am.
Tonight is a big business meeting that is going to take some bravery on my part. Today is divided between revamping a website, writing a blog that's been weighing on my creative spirit and not getting myself hysterical that I have to go out with my little sis to sort out her?bouquet?for the wedding.
My workaholic phase comes with a warning and the irony is that I've woken up today with a back that's telling me that if I don't pace myself it will do it for me. So I'm done blogging and I'm actually going to chill before I create chaos for myself. Trust me, that's the toughest thing you can ask of me ... project me is alive and kicking!
I come with a price - project me day 392
For a girl who was going to blog first thing this morning and head off to gym before breakfast all because I have this new found esteem, here I am at 2:30pm having only settled in at work.
That's what I love about how powerful we are. Just as I woke up and decided that every moment was money and that I needed a to do list to get organise ... well there went organisation out of the window.
By the time I finally got to gym it was 11:30am and that's not to say that I wasn't at the computer and trying to blog the whole time.
I woke up to a nephew how had a nightmare and then decided he's act like a rag doll because he didn't want to go to school anymore. "I'm tired of school," he said, who which my response was that he had better get over it because he has another 12 or so years to go ... yep, he's in play school.
The water's been cut so I couldn't shower or pee. I bought the wrong contact?lens?solution and couldn't go to gym with my nerdy glasses on. The shops only open at 9. Greggie and I chatted on the phone till something to 10. I got asked to help with a skype call that took me to 11 and then ... this is the kicker ... Greggie and My Knight decided that we should all gather at Greggie to do some work and spend time?together. Well that meant bathing when the water finally came on, gettind dressed, packing up all my stuff and making my way to my new work station for the rest of the day.
Ironically I titled this blog at about 7am and it was after I had major realisations, over the last few days, that I give way to much of my time where I should be charging for the very things I do. You have no idea how much this is a huge 'project me' step for me.
I'm super proud of myself that I sent out my first quote yesterday and that I was asked to help some dear people with their website and said I could only help up to a point. I'm finally learning that my value and my worth has a currency to it, yet it does come at a time when people I care about are asking me for help. Tough one! Maybe that's ?why Miss Universe found every reason to stall me today ...
Fear or faith, pick one! - project me day 391
I'm so proud of me. My excitement that I went to gym, walked ten laps around the track and feel fabulous this morning is awesome. I'm thrilled that I can feel the difference between muscle pain and damaged disk pain. Of course I want to share it with everyone who has encouraged me, but there's something I'm noticing. Despite everyone else's pride and?excitement, I'm getting a lot of 'don't overdo it' lectures.
Me? Overdo it? Well I tried that with the Greggie and he double checked about 5 times to make sure that I'm sure that I have the overdo it personality. The Jock was a little better and kinda believed me after just one attempt at lecturing me. My little sis is obviously worried that I'm to hurt myself before my wedding and mother ... well mothers just worry.
It was our usual Tuesday night get together and after realising that we have all done so well with sorting out some of the addict archetype, that it was time to move onto something else. We started by focusing on why we make the choices we do. Even down to the little choices of what time we wake up and why we have the routines we do. Well that didn't go to well because our fearful issues kept us from getting anywhere. That's it ... deal with fear first.
Archetypically, fear and faith are?governed?by the prostitute archetype and it what it says it is: you sell your soul for fear of survival. I've been teaching archetypes for many years and Greggie and myself have a great passion for this work. We live it every day and one of the things that I hear us saying to every student and to ourselves all the time is, "you can't have fear and faith at the same time." It's not possible to feel faith when you are afraid and fear would not have it's place when faith is around." I also believe that all you have to do is pick one. Yep ... all you have to do!
Well before we could focus on the fear we had to pick something else first. Just one thing that we choose to do that might not be in the highest esteem. There nights are profound and life changing, but they are far from serious. I think by now you know that I believe we are here to have fun so there's no way I'm not going to be rolling with laughter while trying to choose on thing I might do out of fear.
How rude ... by the time Greggie and my mother where done with me they had a list as long as my arm. It's a serious toss up between checking my stats obsessively, going to sleep before midnight, getting back into meditation and finding time to read. That's why I'm sharing it with you, because you are wondering how things like this can be laced with feelings of fear ... well they do, but that's for next weeks Tuesday night. Right now I just have to be conscious of one of them while trying not to go to gym obsessively seeing that that was pointed out to me too.
I decided to begin last night after Greggie left and what do you know ... I checked my stats about twice, climbed into bed too close to midnight to say I would be asleep by then, decided it was too late to meditate or read ... and promised myself that I'd try again tomorrow! Guess what ... it's tomorrow!
It's not a competition - project me day 390
Please don't tell me I'm the only one who does it? I think one of the most difficult things to do in this world is put the blinkers on and not look at the failures and successes of those around you.
Mine isn't a jealousy thing. Sometimes I think I would be grateful if it was. Instead, mine manifests into a desperate need to drive myself even harder than I already am. I'm still adjusting to the reality that my lesson is to slow down a little and that I do work hard enough ... smart enough still needs some work, but the dedication is more than there.
So days like yesterday are not great for me then and to sit here today and smile at what I did with it is a massive 'project me' achievement.
When it rains it pours and when every little drop questions my abilities, growth or achievements against someone else's perception or accomplishments ... well then it's more like a hail storm.
One of the most important lessons that I think so many of us need to learn is that we never have to justify ourselves. I spent most of the day trying to work out if I've taken that too far. In business isn't there a lot of justifying? And when the work day is filled with looking at other's blogs, websites and stats or asking the questions about the value of my blog then my 'you're not working hard enough' voice booms out at me.
I got home from work and cried from mere exhausting at all the brave new things that just one day was filled with. I handled a business meeting differently, am sending a quote for something I have never had to quote on before ... the value of my time, and have been surprisingly healthy while dealing with the build up to my sister's wedding and the looming move. Those are a lot of reasons to be proud of myself, but when the call came in and my friend with back problems too is doing so much better than me, the competitive meany in me kicked in again.
"Lazy!" "Overly cautious!" "Wimp!" ?... those are just a few of the words that I was calling myself and if it weren't close to bed time I might have just gone to the gym straight away. It took me ages to calm myself down and remind myself that everyone heals differently and that I'm where I should be.
The reality is that it has been time to get moving for a while. It's also been time to be a little bolder in the business world and start?beating?on my drum. It's also time for me to start charging those who need my attention ... and there is a lot of that!
Greggie is great at reminding me that each day all I need to do is one thing that scares me ... and so this morning I got up and finally drove (first thing) to the gym (second thing). I put my Ipod in my ears and hit the track. With the first few steps I started to tell myself that I haven't exercised in months and months and that if I just did 2 laps it would be awesome. The music filled my ears (Your sex is on fire!!) and lap one, two and three were pain free and great! Before I knew it I was heading to lap six and humming along to the music. By lap 8 had I had to promise myself to stop at 10!
Can you see that competition isn't only with the outside world?
I couldn't believe I was there, walking, sweating, pain free and proud of myself and I didn't want to stop. I can't figure out if it was my attempt at making up for the gym I've missed or worry that I would not be able to train in the?future?again. Either way, that mean side of me began to kick in and it took every ounce of?consciousness and self love to stop at 10!!
I did and it made me want to cry once again! I am not?exaggerating?when I tell you that competition has filled my household my whole life. It even went down to who could make a better omelette or outshine the other for who a parent would listen to. I'm sure it happens in a lot of families and I'm sure it always lingers in other households too. Thanks to so much self?reflection I have become aware of it and I'm 'project me-ing' myself through it ... one step around the track at a time!
I live in a country with no country - project me day 389
Times are trying, I'm not gonna kid myself or paint a pretty picture. Not even kitty is a bundle of joy now that she's turned into Jack the ripper and keeps jumping onto the parrot's cage. There's proof that we will always be who we intrinsically are. Kitty might be a bundle of cute and cuddly fur but she's a hunter at the end of the day.
I'm a surviver and a glass half full girl, but it doesn't make some days any easier.
Both days I shopped till I nearly dropped and for a body that hasn't moved many muscles in over 6 months you had better believe that it was major exercise. This morning I have a different kind of ache with muscles and nerves letting me know just how much I pushed myself. I was determined to! I got everything I need for the wedding ... including the bra.
At the same time I decided to finally buy the scale that my dedicated SlimLab sponsor, Niel, ?has been asking me to get. I've adjusted to the fact that weight is just a scientific number and I need to see if the science of my formulas is working.
I also finally bought myself something totally cute. I can't tell you though because it's for next Wednesday Lammas ceremony with my friends and I don't want to ruin the surprise, but there will be pics, I promise!
Dashing around the shops and knowing that I have a little money to do with what I please had me drooling for a compilation Country music CD. Yes, I'm still in the arch ages of CD and don't have the bandwidth to download music yet. All my friends are doing it and I'm about to jump on the bandwagon when we move and I can get some uncapped bandwidth ... welcome to South Africa.
With gym coming back into my schedule and the fact that music is vital for my peace of mind and sanity, all I wanted was a little bit of a few of my favourites. I can't afford to be buying each of my favourites JUST YET so maybe just a CD that had a handful of great artists with fantastic songs from last year would have been ideal. A little Keith Urban, Rascall Flatts, Kenny Chesney and a dash of Martina McBrida, Sugarland and not forgetting some Tim McGraw. Not in this town ... sorry for me!
I get my Country fix from a?satellite?music channel so I can't choose what I want to hear. I am a fan of all my faves on my Facebook so I get messages like "Martina just released her new album" and I know I might hear a song or two in about a year or two. It's frustrating enough but to be guided to half a row of Country compilations and to have Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton and Johnny Cash staring back at me is just vomit! I think the last time they imported a?compilation?was 1982! When I asked for anything more recent the dude actually looked at me as though I had fallen off a bucking horse, legs in the air.
It's Monday ... not the best one, but I'm doing everything in my power to pull it together and be productive. I think I'm gonna walk into Greggie's house and burst out crying but then it's sort myself out for a big meeting with my super sponsor, Bruce Young. I have changed on the blog to make and little tweaks hear and there. I need to be focused and it would be so much easier if I had a little Country on my Ipod! The most frustrating thing is that what is so simple for the rest of the world is so tedious in mine!
Oh, while I'm complaining (which I hardly ever do ... lol) Youtube is not blocking videos too, so it's dwindling more than you will ever know.
This one's still around for me ... Number 1 at the moment, Kenny Chesney Somewhere with you!
Bra, house and orange candles - project me day 388
I've seen strangers shopping lists, I'm certain of it.
I knew that I took the festive season to chill for some very important reason. Didn't I keep saying I knew some very big things were heading my way? I'm sure I announced more than once that I had the feeling I would hit the ground running.
There are a lot of reasons why I think whoever gets me will be very lucky, but the top of the list has to be my lack of passion for shopping. Groceries are a different story, but even there I buy what I need. Okay, so I throw the odd new product in the trolley heaven forbid I miss out on something new. Thanks to that my teeth have been brushed with every berry, mint, herb, whitening, fizzing and extra strength toothpaste on the market.
I haven't had much money of late and I'm cool with that at the best of times. I am surrounded by very generous friends and family who see the value in what I am trying to achieve so I haven't had to live like a hermit living on crackers. I just really haven't had my own money to do with whatever the hell I choose.
Now that the house move is looming and the new owners of our house have come in and taken over, they needed our storage space. Therefore everything I own is scattered in every corner of the house. I looked at a thing or two and decided I didn't need it and put it up for sale to passers-by. What do you know, I sold the things!
Of course I tried to give the cash to my mother for all the good she has done for me and of course she wouldn't take it and of course we both cried. But, for the first time in a very long time I can buy the essentials I need.
The timing couldn't be better because my sister's birthday is officially 3 weeks away and I need some things. Thanks to Hustler Girl who took me shopping yesterday, I managed to get my shoes for the wedding. I believe that the Universe (yes, I'm saying it again, I am the Universe) sends little signs to remind all of us of how powerful we are. Some see and others don't. I have made it my business to see and when I announce that I want to wear shoes that look like a ballet slipper to the wedding, I find out just how quickly I can manifest something. Ah, I love my pretty shoes.
I'm going to have to think a lot about those shoes over the next few weeks because my mother and I are going to need a house sooner than later. Money is flowing but it's only the obstacle we create it to be. I have been thinking a lot about the day I will look back on blog entries like this and smile at how I got by, but it's the very 'project me' attitude with with I get by that I do pave the way for my future homes and Jimmy Choos.
My sister has gone to fetch her wedding dress and I'm making a shopping list for today. Bra is essential. I'm wearing a strapless outfit that is very pretty and is going to make me adjust to the fact that my body is that typical hourglass shape. I used to hate it, but now I'm looking forward to the accessories (mostly supplied by Hustler Girl) and the new hair (that's happening in a week or so) and letting a new side of me out to play.
The timing is perfect because on Wednesday the 2nd of Feb is the Pagan festival of Lammas in the Southern Hemisphere. I will fill you in on all the details on the day, but it is the perfect time to say good-bye to the old and prepare for the new. The old in me is tired of the body issues and new can't wait to step away with new consciousness and embrace the all of me that is the bigger girl (as my dear friend Twinkletoes reminded me). That's the orange candles.
A little bit of money goes a long way and I can't wait to shop with a touch of financial freedom enough to buy the things I need to celebrate a Pagan festival with my friends. I am so proud of me for letting them into my secret world and I am so honoured at the amazing response to the evening I have planned.
Shopping doesn't thrill me, but when it's a bra for my sister's wedding, a house for me to grow in and and orange candles to celebrate my beliefs ... well now I'm thrilled!
Cleared for takeoff - project me day 387
It's the first Saturday morning in ages that my schedule has so many possibilities. Despite the fact that I can't act on them because my car battery is flat is totally besides the point. Just the fact that I can think about climbing in my car and driving to the shops or that my gym stuff is laid out on the couch and ready to put on at some point in the day is fabulous.
Yesterday was an awesome body stress release treatment with Dan and when he told me to only call for another appointment when I felt I needed it, well that was the cherry on top. I know it might seem as though I have been stalling climbing into my car and driving or dashing out to the gym, but I really have been petrified that I would do more damage to my back and it's now my sister's wedding around the corner.
Yesterday something changed. Well, it's been a slow change thanks to my very conscious 'project me' push to step into my assertive and bold personality. Everyone can feel it. Not to say it hasn't caused a few upsets with friends and family so far, but this journey is about being kind to me and hoping that everyone will do the same for themselves. We all have to walk away and lick our wounds at some point in our lives. I have been doing a lot of wound licking and had such an massive cry on Thursday that contact lenses were not an option on day 387. It felt good and the result was the opposite to what I thought. My sister, brother, mom and I gathered for a very happy dinner and we got the seating plan for the wedding done and dusted. If that doesn't cause world war 3 then we are getting somewhere thanks to truth.
On the note of it being only 3 weeks away from the wedding. I did think that I would feel a little better about slipping into my (not so little) black number. I love my outfit and am not far off from feeling comfortable in it. The weight waters points system is working despite a few hectic eating moments thanks to the stresses around me. The SlimLab is?definitely keeping me from eating a house, but I couldn't be happier that the timing in life is always perfect.
Without having to say too much, Dan gave me the go ahead to get to gym, get in the car and get my life back. I think I have done enough thinking about my body, relating to myself and research to know that I'm not going to snap in half if I put my body under some physical strain. Of course, no squats, weights, bending or running though.
No obsessive eating behaviour either. Than means no living on cucumbers and tomatoes and not nourishing the body. I can do this, right?
It's shoe shopping day for the wedding and then a little friendship time with Hustler Girl. In that time I have to bat my eyelashes at my brother (or promise to buy him food) and get him to start my car so that I can see the inside of the gym for more than just a weigh in!
Wow, I thought this day would never get here 😉
Life gets in the way - project me day 386
I've seriously been trying to blog since 7am this morning. I don't have to defend myself and say I'm the glass half full girl so it's not like I need to slip into positive affirmation mode and cling to my dreams. Nothing has changed. My cup still runneth over with abundance and love. I don't even feel less positive or motivated. I can see it all in front of me but today I feel like I need to carry a fly swat around with me and keep whacking at all of life's obstacles that are clouding my day.
The beginning of the year seems so far away that I can't remember if I told you I get together with some friends and we do an annual tarot reading. No fortune telling but rather a better understanding of who we are and who we have the power to be in this year. Everything is neutral. There's no good or bad, but I can't get the picture of the tower card out of my head.
I literally have my home being broken down around me and with that comes a whole lot of other obstacles that seem to be clouding the momentum to move.
I have to speak my frustration before I go any further though. I'm not big on painting life with the rosy affirmation brush of denial. I also don't believe that seeing the truth of a situation and expressing it shows negativity if it's expressed correctly.
It's not like I'm saying "Oh woe is me, my life is falling down around me and it's all sucky and the Universe is picking on me!"
Yes, there is chaos around me but I know everything happens for a reason and I'm completely grateful, unafraid and living in the moment ... so stop?telling?me to be positive! ?Learn the difference between living in the truth and complaining and then we can chat.
What was I blogging about again? Oh right ... life getting in the way!
I'm trying to figure out whether I should spare you the minor details or whether I should just get to the 'project me' part of what I'm going to do to be conscious of this little tower card that will be hanging around for an entire year?
I'm going to do what I always do! I'm going to tell myself the truth and then tell everyone else. I will deal with the consequences of my thoughts and actions and make sure I carry tissues around because it usually brings about a tear or two. I'm going to remain in the incredible space of faith and fall back onto my addiction of food (with a little more consciousness and the help of the SlimLab tablets). Then I'm going to do what I do be - be me! Write when I want to, cry when I want to, sigh when I want to, complain when I want to, drink tea when I want to and fly away on dragons when I need to.
It's still a nowhere day, but I know that! I'm no less of the?magnificent?woman I am and no step back from the powerful dreams I have ... it's just a day where hammers, drills, loud generators, screaming builders, wedding plans, sibling rivalry, missing daddy, injured little nephews, sexual frustration, niggly back pain and blog glitches have all gotten in the way!