Does 1 bottle down say it all?
Does 1 bottle down say it all?
This is a blog in anticipation for the wake-up call tomorrow morning. I don't picture myself getting out of bed and not needing to jump straight into the preparation of the move for the day.
So here it is ... moving day!
I'm scared! I'm most scared about Saphirah (the kitty) and Albie (the parrot). More Saphirah with all the chaos and how unsettled she's going to be.
In my little world we aren't ready for this move because there are little things freaking lying everywhere, but Greggie and mom are trying to get me to see that this is how moves go.
So ... it's official! The next time I blog will be from our new little house. I promise to take pics (even though I don't own a mattress) and I promise to remain as calm as humanly possible when moving 😉
Oh ... thank you all for your amazing support during this time. Most of all ... thanks for not going anywhere while I feel like a chicken running around without a head!
It's finally here! Today my little sis and her hubby, and my brother all move to their own little houses. Mom and I have one more sleep and tomorrow is the big move day.
I don't think I have to describe what moving is like, but we have the added emotions of having to leave behind the house my dad built and separate from each other.
This must be one of the biggest 'project me' moments of my life! I'm trying to carry on with business because that's at a scary stage too. I'm trying to maintain a level or calm so my body doesn't pack up on me ... and my back has been a little extra sore over the past few day and I'm trying to make sure that I am there for my mom as much as I can be in my own little whirlpool of emotion. That's a lot for a girl, but as I have discovered, I have big girl panties (a friend reminded me of that) and I shall be wearing them over the next few days.
I'm sure my blogs have sounded scatty and maybe a little disconnected, but hey ... it is a real time, real life blog and that's exactly how I'm feeling!
Tonight mom and I sleep in the house alone ... and I feel a tear well up as I speak 😉
A very special good luck to my brother, little sis and her hubby for this extremely new experience in your lives and a very happy birthday to my special brother-in-law! What a great day to begin the first chapter in a whole new journey of life!
As for you, mommy, dad must be so proud of your bravery and so pissed at all the junk you threw out. I couldn't have made a better decision but to share a home with you for the next chapter in our lives too. Although we are on our own paths, they will always walk side by side and I am honoured to call you 'mom'!
Today is hectic and it goes with the one thing that has been playing its theme tune in my life for the last few days ... that we can't do this life on our own!
My sister needs us to babysit my nephew. My mother needs me to help her with the packing. Greggie needs me to help him with his car and in turn I need him to help me find a bed.
I've had moments of doubting the power of asking people for help, but then it's been undeniable that it's such a huge lesson to learn along my 'project me' journey.
The next few days are going to be interesting with the move and committing to blog daily seems a little insane, but somehow I know that my people will carry me through.
Because ... people who need people ARE the luckiest people in the world 😉
I imagined myself finishing my breakfast meeting by midday and having blogged less than an hour after, with the rest of the day being consumed by packing. 10am is a fair time to get together with friends and 12am is a fair time to part ways. Then why am I only managing to blog at 4pm?
Have you ever ... I think the staff of the restaurant were trying to figure out ways to move us out gently. How much can people talk for 5 and a half hours? How much?cappuccino is too much for a Sunday morning?
Between last night's dinner with two special friends and this morning extended breakfast, I find myself in awe at the power of friendships when it comes turning my dreams into a reality.
I'm not the strongest person when it comes to marketing. Put me up on a stage with hundreds of people hanging on my every word and I'm must fine. Make me draw the crowd and something makes me fall flat. I used to beat myself up about it and in some respects I am only getting over the personal pounding as I share this 'project me' realisation with you in this very moment.
Here I have been trying all of these marketing techniques and following the formulas that are put out there in the world to make it so much easier and I really haven't seen the results in any way, shape or form. Then I have dinner with two friends who have both taken my journey of success in their own personal interest and I have breakfast with more friends who are tapping into every network they have to throw me out into the world.
Meetings are few and far between, but socialising with friends is booming and only now do I feel myself abundant with possibility. I can't believe how people rumble through their minds and connect the dots what all lead to an opportunity. All this happening while friends are sharing wine, laughs and special time together.
I can't begin to express my frustration with you. I don't know how to put into words what it's like to be doing exactly what I want to do with who I want to do it with and the struggle is still so very hard. I question the law of attraction theory that you just have to do what you love. You think I don't get asked by so many people why, if I'm doing what I love, I'm not rolling in the dough? I have no freaking idea people!!!
I still don't believe I'm failing in any way and I refuse to fall into the trap of trying to figure out what I am not getting right. I am getting everything right and I all I need to do is keep going the best way I know how.
That best way is letting go of the attempt to do it all myself and admit my limitations. In those very limitations there I find myself surrounded by my dearest friends who are jumping in to help carry me.
I have one hell of a week ahead of me with the move to the new house and at the same time the end of the month and bills to pay is also looming. Yet, there is something in me that is as firm as anything, reminding me to just keep going and when it gets a little rough all I have to do is phone a friend.
Like the usual chaos of life isn't enough, today I am sitting here a little (crap ... a lot frazzled) and feeling very much like it's deer in the headlights moments on after the other. Before I even begin the tales of woe, I have to say that I've just had ice cream, a very positive?conversation?with Greggie and good laugh about life. Now that we can put the?positivity out the way, I have to say: "Good gracious, it's been a crappy past 24 hours.
Johannesburg is famous for our storms filled with huge crashes of thunder and lighting that cracks for miles across the sky. Most of the time we carry on regardless and a lot of us aren't even prepared with umbrella.
I don't know at which point I realised that this was no usual Jozi storm. It might have been when I started unplugging all electrical equipment or when I contemplated sitting under the office table. When I was too scared to pee in case the toilet got struck and ended up lying on the bed with kitty taking care of me, I knew this storm meant business. Before all the chaos had even struck I was contemplating moving dinner with very dear friends.
Truth is, because of all of the building around us, the drains are blocked and I kinda couldn't walk downstairs and out of my front door without getting drenched.
You know that phone call that you dread? I think I said the exact same thing when my nephew got knocked over. Well here we go again. This time it was my petrified little sis who had driven home in the storm and hit a dip in the road that had turned into a river. It's one of those things that you just don't see until you are in it and by the time my mother held out the phone to me and asked for help, my sister was trapped in the middle of a river consuming her car with water.
Everything is about me ... right? So then I have to pride myself for keeping her as calm as possible and guiding her out of the situation ... her, not her car.
Just above her was Thava, my very special Indian restaurant who is usually a sponsor that I take my friends to to fill a belly. Yesterday the entire staff of the restaurant turned into my rescue team and I don't quite know how to thanks them.
They were out there in the rain, comforting her and taking her to the safety of the restaurant. My brother tells me that they had her wrapped in sheets (it must have been table clothes) while they dried her jacket by the open fire in the kitchen.
The team at Thava have never managed to do enough for me and I thought it was incredible when they sent me food when I couldn't walk thanks to my herniated disk, but this moment captured my heart.
My sister arrived home semi dry, warmed up from extra strong coffee and with bags of food to feed the family.
I never ended up going to dinner but that was thanks to a second little crisis. By the time I called Greggie he was just as distressed. He was describing the mayhem on the roads and in his own little world. Thanks to flooding roads throughout Jozi, Greggie's electricals in the car had gotten wet and nothing was functioning with the car misting up and the surrounding roads blocking him from making his way home, with warning messages with the car telling him to switch off the engine.
Everyone focuses on the victim in a point of crisis, but you have no idea what it's like being helpless when people you love are amidst danger and chaos. You can't call every 2 minutes to check they are safe and a lot of it goes down to pure faith and a damn huge bout of bravery.
Of course,while waiting for word that both Greggie and little sis were safe, the electricity went out. Well that ended up sucking and while mom scrounged for candles I scrounged for chocolate ... both were found.
I don't like to admit that I'm stuck in the midst of the collective way of thinking or doing things but I can't shy away from the cliche saying: when it rains, it pours.
Moving is hell as it is. My family are going in three different directions with this move. Money is freaking tight in the business and super tight personally ... and then it genuinely begins to pour!
To the staff and friends at Thava, as you stated yesterday ... in times of need, we are all family. On behalf of my mother, myself and my family, I extended an abundant thank you for going to the rescue of my sister in more ways than one. Bless each of you for your love and care.
Here is a personal note from my little sis:
I would like to extend my sincere thanks to Thava Norwood for being there for me in comfort when my car was almost washed away during the flash floods. Thank you for saving my car and putting it in the safety of your premises and making sure that, after the shock of the incident, you took care of me and gave me a warm meal and something hot to drink. You were all a great help and comfort to me. Thank you!
I can?definitely?feel the pressure hitting from all sides. Boxes are being packed around me, people are waiting for documents from me, it's nearly 1pm and I haven't blogged yet.
Seriously, it's that hectic that I have to do a 2 liner!
Before I do, I have to thank my sponsor who always turns out to be the supportive guy now matter how much he wishes he could whip my butt into shape. With all the mayhem, I am battling fall into a healthy eating plan and I'm certainly not gyming ... but I'm holding it all together thanks to the SlimLab. I would hate to know what I would be like without it. There has been a lot of talk about falling off the rails and climbing back up again, but I don't feel as though I have rolled down to the bottom of the hill.
That's it ... that's all I can say without feeling the nerves begin to frazzle.
Good gracious, these next few weeks are gonna be one hell of a ride
Bubbling under the surface for about a month or so has been a very big fight between myself and my cellphone service provide, Vodacom. It has been almost a daily battle, but I'm not one to constantly bitch and moan. Yes, we all laugh at the fact that I say "I don't complain, but ..." and then I send my cold coffee back.
The difference is that I don't just complain. I do something about what I'm complaining about or I put it down and walk away. I wasn't 100% sure about that until my little incident with Vodacom and the responses I got from people once I told the whole story, I realised that there is a vast difference between just complaining and knowing how you want to be treated.
I wish the story were simple, but I'll try?uncomplicate?it as much as possible.
My old Blackberry storm is just that, super old. I have been patiently waiting until I could upgrade it and decide to call to see when that was. The customer services person at Vodacom said that seeing as though I were such a loyal customer (like since the day cellphones came out) I could do the upgrade right away ... woo hoo!!!
I sent documents off and got a message to say my query had been opened and then next day I got a message to say it had been closed. When I called ... no one knew what I was talking about and I had to start again, which I did. Sadly, because of my package I couldn't get the Blackberry Torch and I really, really wanted it.
To make a very long story short ... Vodacom lost my claim twice and when it finally got to the correct department they told me it was too early for an upgrade. Well didn't I start to Tweet about Vodacom at that point? Yes, it helps to have nearly 12 000 followers when you are bitching about bad service. So I bitched and when they asked how to get me to stop I told them I wanted the Blackberry Torch as compensation.
Even longer story short, I got a point blank NO, until I Tweeted to the CEO of Vodacom and then I got a very helpful gentleman who made it all happen. Okay, so his department lost my papers once but that was because I faxed and didn't email (but how's complaining?)
And so, yesterday my Torch arrived.
After the news broke and had said my thank you's to Vodacom on all my social networks, a debate started about someone not bothering with pushing for service because people who complained annoy him.
People who complain annoy me too. But people who do something about all of the complaining that they express, well I have a great admiration for them. I believe that so does the person you are complaining to. I can't begin to imagine how many people merely pick up phone and scream at a customer services representative, but then never follow it though. How is customer services ever going to get rectified like that? But if each person complained and demanded compensation or to be heard and someone saw the figures of compensation making a dent ... who knows? I'm also the eternal dreamer and that's my theory.
This story goes a little bit further than just a Blackberry Torch. It goes to work that I do and the number of people I deal with who just complain about their lives. It is a rare handful who actually do something about it and realise that when you do you are giving yourself what you deserve.
I have no problem demanding what I deserve (although it's a new discovery of my personality) and the fight might be longer or take more courage and patience, but every time I do, I remind myself of just how important I am in this world.
On that note, I didn't end up lose a sponsorship. It does make me push my boundaries a little further but once again, I have no right to complain about an aspect of my life if I do nothing about it ... but that's for another day. Right now, I'm off to Lifeology's offices to make some magic!
If I could pick an easier route at times, I think I would jump at the opportunity. That moment always ends up being fleeting when I realise how much I would have missed out on had I changed one moment of my life.
It's been 15 months of blogging but it's been 7 years since I started my personal 'project me' ... but before that it was Jodene living very unconsciously. I remember sitting with my 'spiritual' teacher and telling her that I wished I had unlearned all that she had taught me. My family home and business had just burned down, family issues had be ripped open like a can of worms and I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in years only to see the damage I had done to myself. Over the last few days I have felt like that again ... wishing I could shove the lid back on the journey I have consciously chosen to live.
While I was flying down to Cape Town last week, I sat next to a gentleman who had done the same metaphysics course as I did many years ago. It clearly didn't serve him very well because he was proving how the 'law of attraction' doesn't work. He said that if it did I should be a very rich lady by now and clearly I wasn't.?Similarly, yesterday I was asked why I only had 16 people at my talk in Cape Town if I believed so much in the power of social networking.
At ?time when my life is literally in?turmoil and my family is going through the hardest thing next to my father's passing, I have been faced with some interesting additional challenges. Surely by now life should be running smoothly? Isn't that the impression of manifestation? That because I teach about manifestation I should be manifesting left, right and center? If I teach about sex then I should be sexually fulfilled every spare moment I have (and still finding time to sneak out for a shag between meetings)? If I teach about self worth and self esteem that I should have lost all the weight and been married with a perfect little life by now?
Is that who the world chooses to listen to? Those who make it all sound so easy and show you the pretty picture at the end of the long and winding yellow brick road that they have traveled?
Has anyone wondered why Charlie Sheen is getting the attention he is currently getting? Has anyone stopped to watch what the world is craving? Maybe it's just me, but there are more people out there who are struggling to manifest those realities than those who have done an affirmation and 'whoop there it is'! People are lapping up the madness and the chaos. So many of us live in chaos that if we can have confirmation that someone else is so much more far removed from reality, that we will be ok! I remember wanting a friend of mine to do one of my courses and he told me that only those who write the books on self help get rich and they only got rich because they wrote the book. I'm not agreeing with him, but I am agreeing that we all stare outwards to find the answers.
In my chaos, do you not think that I have tried to turn to every outside source I possibly could? I wish I could show you a glimmer of the frustration of waking up in the morning with the promise to have a healthy eating day and then ending it in chaos because I have no idea what healthy means to me. Should I shut down this blog and retract myself from the role of teacher because I am still amidst the chaos?
My answer is no! My realisation is that anyone who is striving to live life without the chaos has this journey very wrong. Of course there are issues that I want so badly to put to rest, but I don't know how much I have to learn about myself before I get there. I don't know my greatness but I know I'm great and if I need to hit rock bottom (with the whole world watching) then that is what I have chosen to do.
This space isn't?rosy?right now! ?I have cried so much in the last few days that I can't even put my contact lenses in my eyes. I have to sell stuff to buy a bed for my new home that I am still sharing with my mother.
Have I failed at manifestation??? Hell no!!!!
There is not one moment of this journey that I would have given up on. There is no part of me that doubts my ability and my success. I have never felt as though I have stepped off the magical journey of my yellow brick road and there has NEVER been a part of me that has wanted to quit ... alright, Saturday was a bit of a quitting day, but bowl of popcorn, a cup of tea and a precious mother pulled me through.
The more I experience of 'project me' and the more I wonder to myself what great lessons I need to share with the world, the more I realise that I just have to keep telling the truth. I don't have to plan seminars or wait for my first book to be published or have a Ferrari in my driveway to be the voice of manifestation.
There is no quick fix! There is no single right way! There is no formula but the one you create for yourself! There is no escaping the magical chaos of life and there is no punishment in that chaos either.
I might lose a sponsor today because I haven't managed to keep up the positivity movement. I have fallen off the wagon, but I am still on the yellow brick road. I do enough beating up of myself and choose not to face the wrath of anyone else's judgement, but I also understand that if the world is driven by positive results and constant success without the allowance of the odd stumble off the wagon, that I might not be able to sustain the ride. Sadly, I believe in the very thing that might be taken away from me (or I might give up) but I also realise that I don't have the ability to do things the way they are being asked of me right now and that's not fair of me. Right now, if I don't allow myself to be kind to myself and if I put on rose coloured glasses, I will do more damage than good. Half of the self help books in the world might disagree with me right now ... but only I know me.
I know this has been a long post, but I have so needed to hear myself say this and I thank you for listening and sharing my journey with me.
Today I am packing up my dad's office! Of all the spaces in the house, this one is the most heart wrenching. I don't know what it's going to do today but chances are that I will choose to end it with an overly indulgent meal that I will cook for some very special people in my life and I will shed another few tears along the way.
In all these thousands of words, this is what I'm trying to say about living a 'project me' life: No matter what, I get up every single day and I tell myself the truth. I honour my emotions, I speak my fears and I watch myself do a little damage with food or hold out for the wrong guy to call me. Every single day I still do one little thing that scares me and sometimes those little things are as small as saying 'no' to an arrangement that I choose not to attend. No excuses and no lies! Every single day I am grateful for all that I have and all that I have the ability to have ... but most of all ... every single day, I take responsibility for exactly where I am and what I do or don't have!
For that, I am most proud and I thank each and every one of you for sticking with me when I walk tall and when I fall down. It is an honour to have your yellow brick road right beside mine!
My poor friends. I'm glad they have the esteem they have because everything I've planned over the past few days I have wished I hadn't. Well, that's not true. I have had a fleeting moment of wishing that I had cancelled but then I have remembered that, no matter what happens, I have the most amazing friends to pull me over that one nasty bump I can't seem to heave myself over.
I have reflected back on the time I have been blogging 'project me' and this seems to be the longest I've hovered in a space of insecurity, uncertainty and down right nasty to me. A whole pile of issues have come flooding back and although the issues are the same, the money situation is getting tighter. I seem to be questioning every decision I have ever made and I have even battled to blog. Amazingly, even though I only added songs and a brief note over the past few days ... I never missed a day of blogging. Therefore I never missed a day of 'project me'. Therefore ... I know I will be ok!
I also never canceled my friends, no matter how much I cried before the special events started. The first one being the Pagan celebration of Mabon, which happens to be Thanksgiving in my world.
As I explained to my special friends, I am always thankful. I never miss the blessings and I never relinquish responsibility for exactly where I find myself. 'Project me' has reminded me of this every day. I am also not part of the positivity movement and can't wear rose coloured glasses when looking at certain situations in my life. So thanksgiving had an interesting spin on it for me. I was most thankful that my friends embrace my practices and get so excited to part-take in them. I was equally thankful that we celebrate these moments (and all moments we are together) with the merriment that the goddesses expect of life.
It was equally amazing to watch each person slip into the space of gratitude and embrace the very reasons why I found the magic of celebrating these festivals with as much tradition as possible.
Of course, in my crowd, it eventually all goes south and fits of laughter and hysteria reigns. In those moments when we become shamelessly joyous, I am thrilled that I never canceled.
Yesterday, my house had no water and no electricity at another point. It rains into the house and clouds were hovering and there are boxes of half packed items scattered everywhere. That almost stopped me from the impromptu dinner my soul was craving. Money is still tight and no one ever seems to mind, so why did I get myself so stressed that the people who have seen me at my worst, would see me at my worst?
Of course, I'm thrilled that I didn't cancel. I don't know if there are even pictures to prove the mayhem that we create when we gather together. I'm sure if you saw the pics, you still wouldn't believe it.
There are no words to thank my Greggie, Twinkletoes, Hustler Girl and Ponkie for being the most incredible friends a girl could ask for ... thank you for not being insulted every time I told you I wished I had canceled you and thank you for giving me so many reasons to be so grateful I didn't.
I know that this too will pass, but in the meantime ... thank you for being my strength and the light that keeps my path bright as I take each step.