I've been so quite. I've sat down to blog countless times but then nothing flows. I have so much to say, but I feel like a horse caught back in a paddock and frustrated, waiting to run free.
That's literally what my life is like right now.
I'm sitting on the brink of such exciting ventures and opportunities but with contracts not signed and client's asking for me to hold back ... well, have you ever seen me speechless?
Well, that's only half the excuse. I know I could babble on about my personal life, but that seems to be in such a confusing place too. I'm trying to believe that second chances are possible and that we don't have to drag our past with us, but that's proving to be less simple than I thought.
Now that I sit here and I've finally mustered up the courage to talk ... I realise that I've missed out on sharing so many good things. Oh hell, have I been focusing on the negative? Have I been silent because I haven't been counting my blessings and popping past to give a snippet of what makes me happy each day. Of course there is stuff that makes me so very happy and I'm loving the journey.
Okay I needed to hear myself say this to pull myself together and stop walling in all that I think I can't ...
It's an interesting day to have this realisation because tonight is the Pagan festival of Samhain. It's what we know to be Halloween, but this is the right time of year and going far back to the birth of the festival. The start of winter and the celebration of the dark harvest. On a personal note, it's the time we should go inwards and face our demons or the shadow that we hide from. It's a time of great truth and insight, without coating everything with the the positivity movement.
Perfect #ProjectMe timing ... as always!!!
5am blogging to silence the noise - project me post 947
I haven't used blogging as my own form of therapy in the longest time. Admittedly, I know I have neglected the entire process and power of writing and it's left a void in the bond with my Project Me story. Between expressive Facebook updates and splashes of life lessons all wrapped up in 140 characters, I have been fooling myself that pouring my heart out in writing isn't needed.
I'm working with the most amazing coach. It's been so long that I don't know if I told you that. John coaches me through business, my reality and life and I guide him through the amazing world of social media. It's a perfect partnership of exchange for what we both find very daunting at the moment. One of his suggestions was to wake up in the morning and just write. Write and write until it's all out. It doesn't even have to make sense, as long as everything is just written out and the day can start afresh. I have been resisting that for a while, but instead been doing very specific daily visualisations.
I wake up every morning and visualise my perfect day. I start from imagining waking up with someone who truly and honestly loves me. I include the healthy options of meals I will eat and even imagine jumping out of bed to get to my home gym and love the feel of burning muscles (despite hating the reality of that). I add in all the things I want, like the rows and rows of shoes to the busy day filled with lectures to huge corporates and staff all coordinating the social media publicity, while I still select the right influencer for each client. And of course, there's a PA ... she calls me early in the morning to run through my day, while I indulge in a healthy breakfast,?engulfed?in success and love.
I'm still waking up at 5am though. I'm still waking up with uncertainty that hits me first. Since the breakup, life has changed so much that it's been like roller coaster ride in the centre of a funfair. Wherever I look there are loving, happy people. I'm surrounded by moments that are taking my breath away because they are what I know I deserve and what I what I have worked so fast at manifesting. People that I look up to and admire and telling me how my life journey is inspiring them and I now wear my glasses permanently because of the gush of compliments that has made me feel more beautiful than I knew possible. I've stopped weighing myself and give my half hearted attempt at gym, but I'm feeling better than I have felt about myself in I can't remember how long. Chances are, this is the best I have ever felt about myself .
I'm still waking up at 5am though! I'm still waking up with uncertainty that hits me first.
Writing until it all spews out it supposed to be so therapeutic. So is screaming or smashing something. I have to pick something because I constantly have a looming anger that I can't carry around forever. I don't want to carry it around forever because happiness has done knocking at my door and is now hovering around my heart just waiting for me to make space for it.
Having someone love you (or you think they love you) and being lashed with betrayal when you put your heart and soul into it, is not a small hump in the road. It potential smashes the road to such a degree that you need to find an alternate route ... one that could potentially get you very lost in the world. A dear friend of mine saw my ex and thought it would help me to let me know that he said he's happily moved on. Mostly, he seems to be relieved that he has no one to report to or have someone nagging him anymore. That's when the anger hits me ... when love is labeled as nagging and chains that bind. That's not the only thing that angers me. There's a lot all?heightened?by the fact that I can't shake the feeling that he got away with so much by getting to stroll out the door with one car load of crap, and missed out on the thousands of conversations I have wanted to have with them. None of them very loving and supportive ... because I did that.
This isn't the place to write all of my anger out, but it is the home of my thoughts and my project me story ... which I truly attempt to live each day with courage, consciousness and a sense of humour. I'm doing that and it's showing in my physical, the rewards of my success at work and in my life ... but ...
I'm still waking up and 5am ... I'm still waking up with uncertainty that hits me first ...
This morning I'm going to brave doing a different kind of visualisation. I'm going to put this person in front of me and I'm going to have the conversation I have rattled around in my brain and my body for so long. I'm going to spew it all out. I'm going to swear and curse and spit. I'm going to hate and rant and rage ... because a 5am wake up call from the unconscious has been going on a little too long and I'm only prolonging true,?reciprocated?love by avoiding the emotional turmoil that I'm afraid will emerge if I just let it all flow out .... at 5am!!!!
Sneaking backstage at Joburg Theatre for Starlight Express rehearsals
Sitting in front of a stage, taking in a performance that has been rehearsed dozens of times is one of my great joys. Live stage performances have played (excuse the pun) a very special role in my life as I have grown to be a regular new media blogger at the Joburg Theatre. There is one thing that thrills me more than being in the audience though, and that's getting to walk the hallways and climb the stairs that open a whole new world backstage.
Sneaking past room and peaking into open doors with racks of wigs and clothes. Walking through long passages lined with signed posters that speak of a rich history of talented souls that walked the corridors and then emerging behind the stage where bits of set pieces wait in anticipation to find their rightful space in the spotlight. And then a massive door swings open and there are bodies everywhere.
What a thrill to be led into the world of one of the greatest stage production moments South Africa is going to see. Starlight Express might not have been seen by everybody, but there's very slim chance that anyone out there doesn't know of Andrew Lloyd Webber's production with an entire cast on roller skates. I get the feeling I'm going to be talking about this a lot as the months draw nearer but in the meantime it was just a glimpse at the start of rehearsals for this amazingly brave South African cast.
The majority of them haven't been on skates before, or at least since the childhood days of rolling around for aimless fun. But now, there are all strapped in and have to acts, sing and ... well ... skate!! What an inspiring mixture of passion and passion!!!
It's early days and the cast are truly in the midst of finding their feet and sometimes staying on them, but through the hours of rehearsals, with heavy skates on their feet, there they are, bringing an incredible dream for themselves and for the theatre to life.
In a few months time, I know I will return backstage and these fumbling, bruised and somewhat overwhelmed individuals will have emerged into STARS filled with LIGHT and on the EXPRESS track to one mind blowing show that I wouldn't dare miss. No matter if you have had the joy of watching Starlight Express anywhere else in the world ... this South African adaptation directed by the amazingly talented Janice Honeyman is going to be nothing like we've ever seen before.
With the leads David Schlachter (Rusty) and Carly Graeme (Pearl)
Starlight Express has the most amazing stage and I hope you do yourselves a favour and go ?check it out here: Joburg Theatre Starlight Express stage design?and while you are there, read more about the cast and crew that are bringing Starlight Express to the Joburg Theatre. The show starts on the 2nd of July and booking are already open.
From slow and steady to whirlwind transformation - project me post 945
Who knew the stir a pair of specs would make?
Well, that's not entirely true ... actually, I've been working so hard for so long and the new glasses are just the tip of the iceberg. I must admit that I secretly have worn glasses for most of my life, but literally from the bathroom to the bedroom and back at night and in the morning. I always thought they made me look so nerdy and I guess I was nerdy then.
The pic was only supposed to show everyone the new specs and then the would be back in the box to walk to the bathroom again.
Well, it seems the combination of the weight loss, dozens and dozens of visualisations and positive affirmations and a whole lot less makeup is slowly guiding me to a new transformation. The one thing I didn't expect though, was the reaction to the glasses ...
Literally, I've had offers to be ... um ... taken to bed, as long as I keep the specs on.
So I'm taking a very bold step and I'm gonna start wearing these things around town!! After all, I haven't put so much #projectme work into my life to not embrace the transformation and take it out into the world.
For those of you who have been following my journey for a while, don't you totally agree ...
Who needs photographs anyway - project me post 944
Today my dad would have been 72 and while my family all post pictures of them with him ... well ... that's what this vlog post is about!
Give it away - project me post 943
To get you have to give? away ... an idea, a discount, cup of coffee, free advice, trade of service and sometimes an opportunity because everything comes back in immeasurable return!
A fair trade of social media strategy for a cup of coffee and a t-shirt with Branson Centre entrepreneurs, Keith from Ubuntuism
I feel like I need a doctor's note - project me post 942
Okay so before I throw the laptop against the wall, I'm writing a 2 liner so you know where I've been for a while.
The internet connection is so crappy that I've given up loading my vlogs and the pics I've had built up about my adventures over the last few days. If I type a novel now and it doesn't post, I'm gonna turn from happy girl to psycho woman.
So ... I'm still alive! Still very much doing my project me thang! But I'm so over this half hearted attempt of an internet connection.
Taking a deep breath and I'll catch up soon!
PS ... thanks for letting me rant!