It's not like me not to blog. It's not like me to feel like I'm falling to pieces either. All of a sudden tomorrow is the last day of the 21 day online program, #TheGem with Fairy Godmother and to say things didn't go as I expected them to is an understatement.
I breezed through the #MoneyMagic work I did with Donna McCallum, AKA Fairy Godmother and when I had the opportunity to do the 21 days of finding the gem inside, I thought about all the work I have done with myself along my project me journey and imagined yet another breezy journey of self discovery.
I've been sick, I've had family turmoil like never before, I've had disappointment, relationships fall to pieces, work loads nearly drown me ... I could go on, but we get ?the picture.
Of course I've been avoiding blogging. Firstly, finding assistance with my workload wasn't as easy as expected and all the things I put into place with such ease during #MoneyMagic all fell apart literally the day #TheGem started.
Of course I haven't wanted to blog. Life is changing for both my mom and I and our vision of living together, after getting 3 precious cats together, hasn't panned out that way. The trauma of deciding who goes where has felt like my heart would literally tear into pieces. Because it's so emotional, the decision changes every day, but at the moment, both my mom and I will be moving to my sister. She has a flat there and I'm going to settle in (with the cats and the parrot) and my mom will be there until she goes to Istanbul to be with her fiance for a few months. We aren't thinking further than that, because living in the now is all I can deal with.
Still ... there is the stress of a move! There is also the career opportunity I have been waiting for for years and it's all happening at once. The thought of packing and moving before this year's pantomime at Joburg Theatre is almost making my want to run and hide, so we are currently negotiating paying half a month's rent to move later. My moms furniture all has to go into store ... because life's really changing that much.
Lifeology is grown and although Greggie and I are still incredible partners, our business has taken us on two different paths. Expansion is the exciting part, but it's also the petrifying part and my plate is full, while trying not to drop one ball with the emotional tangle I'm in.
As I'm packing, I'm finding more things that belong to the ex. That's leading to me dreaming about him ... and a whole lot of other ex's too. At the Joburg Car show I bumped into another ex's brother in law and so the fact that I'm single and lonely feels like it's the highlight of my life.
I've picked up either 4 or 8kg, depending on where I put the scale on the bathroom floor, but either way, it's back to comfort food and trying to be nice to myself.
I think I've thrown it all out there ... but on top of it all, I've been receiving a mail everyday from fairy godmother and I've been doing the work. I've been meditating, talking to my inner child, finding the positive in who I am, speaking my truth, falling in love with who I am and slowly realising that all of this is leading me to find the Gem inside.
Then yesterday something shifted. Not major, but enough to feel that, one day before this 21 day journey with myself, everything will be okay.
I turned to a friend and asked for some help. We sat down and worked the whole of Saturday until I got a massive amount of work done. I then sat with my oldest sister and my mom and made some solid decision about what is going to happen with this house move. I sent a message to my sister and asked for her balance and healthy eating plan and I spent today with myself, just being okay.
It's almost 4 years of blogging my Project Me journey and I can honestly say that, besides my back injury in 2010, this is the roughest time I have been though. I'm not through it, but spending 21 days having to find the self worth and self love has been a saving grace in a time when I thought that I couldn't and I wasn't and the world was wrong about how strong, brave and courageous I am.
Tomorrow is the last day of #TheGem!
It's far from the last day that I will turn to the powerful notes and exercise that make up the 21 day online course. It's also far from the end of this journey of self discovery!