Intention, Boobs and Boys - project me post 1064

I have 126 unread emails, 85 social media updates and 5 missed calls, all staring at me on my shiny new phone and I have no intention of getting to any of it until I have gotten to me. That's a ridiculous statement, considering it's something to 10 pm and me time should be more than curling up into bed, exhausted and anticipating the hours of peace and quite.
I've been there, done that and burned the bra ...

Me time used to be zoning out and playing mindless games on my phone or flirting with absolutely un-interested men on random dating sites. When both of those became like a drug that had lost its effect, it was choice time. Either do something valuable with the hours where I needed a break from work, or become a confessed workaholic and stop moaning about an unbalanced life.

December was crap! I spent it having realisations that not making time to get fit, eat healthy, read a book, cook a decent meal, find time to write, publish my books, find more clients or value myself more than the men I had been dating. Amazingly, focusing on the chaos and setting intentions to be kinder to myself on every level, turned into a life changing month. After spending between Christmas and the new year tossing out the junk food, energy sapping clients, half committed men and disrespectful relationship with my body, I was ready to tackle a new year, with new intention.

Some people call it new year's resolutions but I called it living with integrity!!

I have watched myself attempt to live a happy, conscious life and I have also watched myself live completely out of integrity. I prefer the former!!
The key is to watch, without judgement, and see the impact that both doing something loving for yourself and not taking care of yourself does to your day, your esteem, your relationships.

I use 3 benchmarks in my life ... a pair of jeans, my bank account and the current country music song on repeat. Seriously, this is my scientific formula for life!

They used to fit me and now they don't. They used to be way to tight and now it's time to find a belt. It was so flush that I could spend the equivalent of a month's groceries on a concert ticket halfway around the world and it was a drop in the ocean. It got so drained that I would do a silent prayer that the person I was with would generously pay for dinner. I'd dance around my room to the upbeat music and use line dancing to get my heart racing & burn a calorie or two. I'm sitting on my bed, tissue in one hand & waiting for Jesus to take the wheel, which would be completely ludicrous for the Pagan, dragon riding girl.

The past two months have been all the conscious, loving stuff. I've stuck to the balance of gyming every second day, eating (my version of) healthy, getting to bed at a decent hour, finding the balance between being overly (yet graciously) committed to my client and having no need to call the beneficial friend.

As the year crept to an end a few months back, the business was stuck with some interesting financial challenges, which is not surprising for a growing phase. I did my usual ... I cried and threw my toys out the cot and straight at my very patient and loving business partner. Then I picked them all up one at a time and I grew stronger. I handled clients, staff, situations that I always thought we far beyond my scope of business savvy or emotional capacity.

It exhausted me and I grumbled around my Greggie for a weeks longer, until I saw the rewards of my bravery. Consciously I watched the responses from the Universe, as I puffed out my boobs, stepped into the world and boldly did it my way.

I'm not a bra burning feminist and I'm certainly not sexist ... I love men! I'm surrounded by them. Granted, some of them look better in leather and lace than I do, but they still all have balls. Nope, I don't want those ... It's taken a long and very scary road in business, relationships and life for me to realise how very grateful I am to have boobs over balls.

Surrounded my men, who I love and respect, has made me a stronger and more confident woman because I've had to make myself strong.. While protecting them bits down there from failure, financial struggle, confrontation, risk, heartbreak or hurt. I consciously watched myself puffed my chest out, stepped out of the shadows of the men I wanted to be my Knights and I felt myself take on the world.
warrior woman project meIt's still with tears, girlie meltdowns and dreams of a cowboy on a big green tractor coming to save me, but with every day that I have woken up with the sun, focused on my health and my happiness, I feel as though I have built myself up into a warrior women.

Warrior women have bad days too and over the last week I've had the clear reminder of how easy it is slip out of integrity and into THAT space again. I struggled to tap into the warrior, fumbled through dealing with work issues while the bank balance dwindled, despite being in line with the risks I had chosen to take alongside my business partner. I made the long avoided call to the beneficial friend, worked late, slept late, exercised once ...

But then I caught a glimpse of my boobs!
I reminded myself of how good I felt in the jeans, being grateful for the cash that flows and dancing around my room to a country song ... and I wanted that back!!

It's not a lot that our bodies ask of us ... Feed ourselves right, sleep when we're tired, drink more water than caffeine & booze, move so we feel our heart beat blood to the tips of our toes, DANCE, make love to someone who has a more than glimmer of care for us and let our work reflect our passion and life purpose.

I'll flesh that intention out more tomorrow ... but for tonight that's a healthy enough reminder for us all, boobs or balls aside!!

Get off the scale and onto the dance floor - Project Me post 1063

You are looking great, they say. How much have you lost, is always the question that follows.
I have no clue, but those jeans that were lying in my cupboard for over a year ... I give my butt a little tap as I do a half turn and boast that I didn't have to squish myself into them.

With just over a month and a bit to my very long a waited America trip, I set out to achieve on thing. I haven't told anyone this before, I don't even think I've told my bestie. All I wanted to do was climb on the plane, sit in the snug airline seat and not panic that the seat belt wouldn't close or that the arm rest wouldn't dig into my sides while I tried to breathe all my extra weight in to not spill over onto the stranger sitting next to me. This is not an exaggeration. I've come a long way from having to call for the seat belt extension, but I still felt the overweight stress and squish into small space when I went to the Netherlands last year June.

It was clear and simple ... I was determined to do a 24 hour travel stint to the USA fitting comfortably into an airline seat and into a pair of jeans that once fitted beautifully and made me feel the same way. I don't know what weight that would equate to and I don't care. I haven't cared for a long time, but when I went through my big (excuse the pun) weight loss in 2012, my trainer kept on shoving me on the scale and looking at the point something I had lost or gained. I doubt I'm the only person who finds the scale traumatic and daunting.

Honestly, it didn't take me long to realise that not fitting comfortably into an airline seat or seeing a picture of myself on Facebook and wanting to hide away for the rest of my life, was much more of an indicator than staring at the pounds jump up and down on a scale.

A year ago to the day, I looked like this and it devastated me

A year ago to the day, I looked like this and it devastated me

I don't know what I weighted, but certainly, hips don't lie.

When we got together for parties, two things happen with my friends ... we dance like no-one's watching and we take pics like everyone is.
When lugging around extra weight, both are very unpleasant and I remember hardly being able to breathe, from the being too unfit and overweight to dance and trying to breathe in the whole damn time for fear of what the photographs would look like.

Screw the scale! A year a got to the day, I re-framed my goals and turned them into a purposeful promise to not do the things I wanted to do with such a heavy heart and body.

I had no clue that this acknowledgment & decision would be so life changing. It took a few month of still thinking the scale and finding the perfect diet would help, but then something settled and I stopped.

I stopped worrying about everything except one pair of jeans, one thing I knew was bad for me and one thing I knew was good for me.
I hung the jeans on a hanger, like I wore the every day, knew that anything with refined sugar was bad for me and that I had to get up and move with some form of exercise. That too, took a few months and would stop and start, going back to craving bread or a slab of chocolate at midnight. I would drag myself around a few block, tell everyone I hated gym, throw myself on the ... but then I stopped for the last time.

I stopped and did something so extra ordinary, so in line with what Project Me is all about ... I gave myself a chance to do it my way, in my own good time.

I STOPPED LISTENING TO EVERYONE AND TRUSTED MY OWN PROCESS!! ... Yes, it's that difficult to do as humans.

July 2014 in the Netherlands and you can see the bits that were shoved into an airline seat

July 2014 in the Netherlands and you can see the bits that were shoved into an airline seat

It still took another few months, what with everyone carrying on about cutting out carbs completely or never touching a fruit again and only losing weight if you feel your muscles tear and your body feel like it's going to cave in.

Then one day the blinkers went on and my way kicked in. I thought about what had worked for me in the past and I knew that food as natural as possible worked and I loved to dance.

I didn't tell anyone, except who I wanted support from and I knew wouldn't question my methods. I hardly blogged about it, except for the profound realisations that my process brought my way and although the jeans button up after only being able to get to my hips ... I can't breathe in them just yet, but I finally feel like my choices worked and after acknowledging my own transformation, from such a simple life decision, I was so excited to share.

I did it my way! I didn't care what anyone else said ...

If goddess made it, I could eat it. Yes, that simple ... as natural as possible for 80% of my day. I love chicken sausages, so I didn't stop eating them, because I made up my own rules. I did cut out all stimulants and haven't had coffee or any kind of processed sugar for that 80% of the time. Would you like the scientific formula for how I got to the 80%? Yeah well, I thumb sucked it and it worked for me.

Dance and walk ... that's what I love to do, so I went out and bought an exercise step for those good old fashioned aerobics steps classes I used to do years ago. I got 2 and 4 kg weights and bought a very good pair of walking shoes. In 10 minutes, when this post is finished, I will be dancing around my bedroom, hopping on and off the step and thinking that my 4kg weights need to go a little heavier. Every second day, I do this and if I don't feel like it, I just put on music and dance, then once a week I walk with a very special and supportive friend of mine ... and then we go for breakfast.

A year later and i feel like a princess

A year later and i feel like a princess

It was the same dear friend's birthday party a year later and on Saturday I felt like a princess. No ... I felt like a dancing queen.

I could actually dance. I felt lighter (literally) and had one of the best times I have had in years. All the dancing around my room, when the world said I should have been at a gym and eating whatever I wanted, with my 80% rule ... it all paid off.

It pays off every day that I head out into the world and feel confident in the formula that I worked out for myself.

I climb on a plane in less than two months time and I plan to wear those very jeans to a dream country music experience. I plan to do this with confidence and self pride that I did it my way ... my time.

This is a tough one to explain, but don't even listen to me or try figure out my formula for you. Take my word that shutting out the noise of the world and finding the faith you have in your own choices for what works for your body is the only way to do it and then start to listen to yourself and your body.

My real advice is to ignore the scale, because a picture like this, when all I see is fit, fab and happy, could never be overshadowed by me being able to answer the next person who asks me how much I have lost ...

I feel fab and I don't need a number to prove it!

I feel fab and I don't need a number to prove it!

 

 

 

The up side of being let down - Project Me post 1062

It's easy to keep sane, fit, in routine, positive, healthy ... all that good stuff, when life is all sunshine and roses. It's not that easy when life feels like it's picking on you from all angles.
I just did a post, bitching about Monday ... but it's Tuesday. That's a pretty clear indication of how out of this world it was *sarcasm*.

Everything seems to be failing me lately, from technology to people seeing when I need them. Communication is frustrating, confusing or non existent and I have spent the last few days trying to keep my head above water while the world clings onto the impression that Jodene can handle anything.

I sent this to someone special today:

WP_20150210_001Then I left it lying on my desk and before the hour was through, I was staring at it and reminding myself to JUST BREATHE.

I have no clue when I got so busy again and when I held so much work on my plate, all due for one time. It's less of a complaint and more of an astounded question seeing as though I am awake at 4am and working after having meditated within the hour.

Somehow, I still find my days filled with frustration because it's me against the world.

Disclaimer: I know that I sound like a martyr and for today, I'm going to allow myself this. I've come a long way from the insecure, codependent, scared girl that I used to be, but it doesn't mean the emails that don't get returned, the promises not kept, the one sided support and the late night catch-ups aren't beginning to gnaw away at me.

Bitching over and time to pat myself on my back. Okay, it's more like dance around the room, give myself a big squeeze and kiss my reflection in the mirror.
Martyr may have kicked in, but my saboteur didn't. It's days like these where I would have hunted down comfort food, lay in bed for hours to avoid starting the day, been to stressed to exercise and lashed out at the world for not caring. Instead, I became conscious of the parts of myself I have worked so hard at bringing out of the shadows and into the light.

I focused on how much better I felt on a good day when I exercised and held out that, on a bad day, it might lift my spirits. I half trained, but I sweated and my heart rate raced up, which made me feel proud. I was starving and did crave sugar, so I reminded myself of how good I feel without it and I made an alternate (healthier) plan. I worked with a new found order and shifted the old patterns of making everything a priority. I reminded myself that I have come through so much, when I felt like I was going to sob from frustration, disappointment and hurt.??I spoke my truth every step of the way and nothing became dramatic of a mess that would need fixing when the waters calmed down.

I'm still behind, lost, upside down ... but I'm also sticking to what I figured out really worked while the going was good, so I'm sticking to that. It's not a walk in the park and it took me years to finally get right, but I did and so will you.

The Project Me key is really watching yourself when times are good and making the most of those highs, so you have a reminder of what you can get through and how you survive what is thrown at you. Just remember ... be so very kind to yourself, because there are some days when you are the only one who is.

 

The importance of doing anything - Project Me post 1061

It's late and I'm tired. It's been a day of running around and not getting to my work until after dinner. Not wanting to consume myself in work, like I used to, there's dragging myself to dinner but then so grateful that I did and now forcing a blog post because I set an intention to blog at least twice a week and I want to stick to that. There's no negative feeling when pushing some writing out, but it did take a very long process and really being conscious about my patterns to finally get a very clear life lesson.

We get so focused on doing the thing we set out to do, on a to do list or through intention. We tick things off and only when those things are ticked off, do we feel a sense of accomplishment.

I started to get into the routine of waking up and doing my breaths to start the day and some meditation. ?I then swap my days between exercising or doing some writing. There are rules everywhere ... so many minutes of exercise with a certain push to reach a goal. There are guidelines on how many words should be written in a day or an hour. It's everywhere and if we give less of ourselves than the expectation of the world, it doesn't feel good enough.

I'm tired of not feeling good enough in the eyes of the world, so I haven't blogged about my morning routine, until I was sure that it was working for me and the results can be seen.

My book isn't close to finished and I still have to do some jumping and squishing bits of myself into my jeans, but life has become clearer, more productive and I can feel the changes on the physical, mental and emotional levels.

Not because I did something particular, but because I did anything ... anything to stick to an intention I set out for myself. Some mornings I only manage to focus on my breathing and 5 minutes of mediation. Other mornings I can't write one word for the book, so I potter around in my thoughts to gather what I may use in the pages to follow, when I feel inspired. I have done 10 stomach crunches and kinda waved my arms at my sides for 10 minutes before getting distracted by pretty much anything.

anything project meYet, every morning I wake up with intention and I remind myself that everything starts from self love and keeping my word to myself ... so I do.

Then there are the days where I have a powerful meditation, that takes me into a space I can feel is far from what I am aware of, I write thousands of words and pour with sweat and I push my body to the limits (my limits).

Times have been tough ... we are in a financial corner for the first time in years, while we wait for cash flow to settle. I have had loss, sadness and a broken heart. Family drama, friend drama, boy drama ... everyday drama!! Yet, I've gotten through everything with a consciousness and bravery that has definitely stemmed from my just keeping my word to myself ... not on the days that I do something, but on the days that I do anything when I usually would have had any excuse in the book!!