I haven't used blogging as my own form of therapy in the longest time. Admittedly, I know I have neglected the entire process and power of writing and it's left a void in the bond with my Project Me story. Between expressive Facebook updates and splashes of life lessons all wrapped up in 140 characters, I have been fooling myself that pouring my heart out in writing isn't needed.
I'm working with the most amazing coach. It's been so long that I don't know if I told you that. John coaches me through business, my reality and life and I guide him through the amazing world of social media. It's a perfect partnership of exchange for what we both find very daunting at the moment. One of his suggestions was to wake up in the morning and just write. Write and write until it's all out. It doesn't even have to make sense, as long as everything is just written out and the day can start afresh. I have been resisting that for a while, but instead been doing very specific daily visualisations.
I wake up every morning and visualise my perfect day. I start from imagining waking up with someone who truly and honestly loves me. I include the healthy options of meals I will eat and even imagine jumping out of bed to get to my home gym and love the feel of burning muscles (despite hating the reality of that). I add in all the things I want, like the rows and rows of shoes to the busy day filled with lectures to huge corporates and staff all coordinating the social media publicity, while I still select the right influencer for each client. And of course, there's a PA ... she calls me early in the morning to run through my day, while I indulge in a healthy breakfast,?engulfed?in success and love.
I'm still waking up at 5am though. I'm still waking up with uncertainty that hits me first.
Since the breakup, life has changed so much that it's been like roller coaster ride in the centre of a funfair. Wherever I look there are loving, happy people. I'm surrounded by moments that are taking my breath away because they are what I know I deserve and what I what I have worked so fast at manifesting. People that I look up to and admire and telling me how my life journey is inspiring them and I now wear my glasses permanently because of the gush of compliments that has made me feel more beautiful than I knew possible.
I've stopped weighing myself and give my half hearted attempt at gym, but I'm feeling better than I have felt about myself in I can't remember how long. Chances are, this is the best I have ever felt about myself .
I'm still waking up at 5am though!
I'm still waking up with uncertainty that hits me first.
Writing until it all spews out it supposed to be so therapeutic. So is screaming or smashing something. I have to pick something because I constantly have a looming anger that I can't carry around forever. I don't want to carry it around forever because happiness has done knocking at my door and is now hovering around my heart just waiting for me to make space for it.
Having someone love you (or you think they love you) and being lashed with betrayal when you put your heart and soul into it, is not a small hump in the road. It potential smashes the road to such a degree that you need to find an alternate route ... one that could potentially get you very lost in the world. A dear friend of mine saw my ex and thought it would help me to let me know that he said he's happily moved on. Mostly, he seems to be relieved that he has no one to report to or have someone nagging him anymore. That's when the anger hits me ... when love is labeled as nagging and chains that bind. That's not the only thing that angers me. There's a lot all?heightened?by the fact that I can't shake the feeling that he got away with so much by getting to stroll out the door with one car load of crap, and missed out on the thousands of conversations I have wanted to have with them. None of them very loving and supportive ... because I did that.
This isn't the place to write all of my anger out, but it is the home of my thoughts and my project me story ... which I truly attempt to live each day with courage, consciousness and a sense of humour.
I'm doing that and it's showing in my physical, the rewards of my success at work and in my life ... but ...
I'm still waking up and 5am ...
I'm still waking up with uncertainty that hits me first ...
This morning I'm going to brave doing a different kind of visualisation. I'm going to put this person in front of me and I'm going to have the conversation I have rattled around in my brain and my body for so long. I'm going to spew it all out. I'm going to swear and curse and spit. I'm going to hate and rant and rage ... because a 5am wake up call from the unconscious has been going on a little too long and I'm only prolonging true,?reciprocated?love by avoiding the emotional turmoil that I'm afraid will emerge if I just let it all flow out .... at 5am!!!!