I'll go into all the finer details of today's 'project body' weigh-in on Sunday, but today is about my attitude more than my activities. I don't have a tattoo on my back for nothing. It's not symbol of the goddess holding the moon for nothing either. Everyone always asks me which goddess and I usually stutter in avoidance of having to explain myself, but the explanation is beautiful.
I have been meditating for years (in spurts) and still have to live what I teach when it comes to that point. It was pointed out to me by Greggie during our Tuesday night pow wow. I'm the teacher who reiterates how important it is to push through on what you know is good for you when times are tough, yet I totally suck at it. The first thing I always give up when the wheels start to fall off is my meditations, tantra and goddess work. I've made every excuse in the book and mostly blame not living on my own even though I consciously chose to move with my mom ... so that excuse is just another excuse.
I'm sure it's no news to you when I say that we all avoid what will give us the most confidence or power because then it makes up have to stand up and do something. I find that confidence and power in the combination of my meditaiton, tantra, dragon rituals and goddess work.
Last night's full, eclipsing moon gave me the biggest slap on the back of the head and I must have come across as totally disconnected during dinner with friends last night. I couldn't believe it! I couldn't believe that a few years ago I would have had a totally different experience and last night I half acknowledged the moon. I was aware that there would be an eclipse and before I would have had a whole evening planned. The dinner wouldn't have even interfered. It would have involved a special moonlight bath with my moonlight soap, candles, incense and meditation. I thought about it but just let it pass like all the other full, new and quarterly moons.
Only when the edge of the moon started to turn a blackish red did every part of my being yearn for something that is so a part of my life. We say that we can't believe someone wouldn't give up an addiction for someone they love ... well I could totally relate last night. Not being able to face doing something that has been the foundation of my beliefs and the way I live my life, was a massive wake up call last night.
Miraculously, I woke up with a very ready attitude. I can't even explain it but it just felt like the familiar me. As if no time passed at all, I did my meditation, burned the incense, said my thanks to the goddess and received a message from a dragon. I did thinks I haven't done since I moved back home with my mom and I have no idea why I just couldn't bring myself to do them. Another thing that Greggie is trying to show me is to let something go and not be so hard on myself .... So I'm not going to even try and work out why it took so long. All I know is that it's back ... that part of me that I know makes me feel most powerful is back!
Talking about backs ... I would like to introduce you to the goddess that holds the moon on my back. Years ago I went through a rough time that literally made me not care about myself at all. I finally took a few steps to heal and found a teacher (well she found me) who taught me so much of what I know. One of my greatest journeys with her was through meditation where I went on a journey to meet my Higher Self. For the longest time all I ever saw was a faceless woman all covered in black who was hunched over and old ... not a very pretty sight for a Higher Self. For almost a year I couldn't see anything more than this faceless old hag. Then something changed ... within me! I started the journey of tantra (self tantra to be exact) and started exploring goddess work. Slowly the meditations became more intense and the woman started to change. To cut a very beautiful and long story short ... eventually the most magical of energies emerged (yes, this can all take place in meditation if you choose to make it alive and real) and one day she told me her name ... Leonette!! She has never left my side ... even in the times when I ignore her most of all!
Hence ... this day and this post is step one of getting over myself!
PS ... tomorrow is day one of water aerobics and I'm pooping myself but doing it anyway! I can't wait to introduce you to Patrick on Sunday. I also can't say I'm thrilled to post the weight, body fat percentage and whatever else Patricks measure and calculates ... but that's yet another step of seriously having to get over myself!