A hundred things I've learned about me in 100 days - Day 100

1. ?I can't believe it's been 100 days of putting me first, having fun and living goallessly.

2. ?It's not easy putting me first and I've discovered that I feel guilty when I do

3. ?No ... I panic that the person I'm not putting before me knows it and thinks I am selfish and spiteful.

4. ?I'm far from selfish or spiteful

5. ?I don't care if others think I am selfish, as long as I know I'm not

6. ?I've got it ... it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me as long as I think highly of me

7. ?I don't always manage to think highly of me

8. ?Mainly with my family

9. ?My family don't understand me and I'm learning to stop the fight to get them too

10. They will love my anyway, even if there are hitches along the way

11. Hitches that I'm fine with and don't mind the world knowing about, but that I have learned to respect about my family. They don't want the world to know

12. That's because I know that I can throw anything about my life out into the world without any shame

13. Yep ... I'm not ashamed of any of my choices and actions

14. When I am it's because I'm worried about my reputation

15. But I've come such a long way ... I used to be obsessed about my reputation and it stopped me from having so much fun.

16. I love having fun, which I used to hate because I always worried too much about my physical appearance to relax and just have fun

17. I'm pretty and sexy

18. Despite the broken to that takes forever to heal (not such a fun lesson to learn) and I can't wear my heals

19. The issue I've created around me weight is my own.

20. I had no choice but to accept that after the sexiness emerged and men found me attractive ... weight and all

21. So now I'm officially doing this for me. I don't need to lose the weight ... that's proven! I want to ...

22. Pity the scale says I've picked up 4kg since the beginning of this year ... now that's a shitty thing to have learned

23. Eating ice cream so often might not be helping that too much

24. But I'm proud of myself for enjoying gym

25. And swallow my words ... doing weight training is important

26. Pity I sabotage my good efforts so often

27. But have learned that being angry or irritated with myself only fuels it more

28. So I've become very tolerant with myself

29. Even though I have the ability to manifest three bouts of flu in 100 days

30. It's one of the ways I know I manifest everything in my life considering I used to have flu once every two years ... at most

31. I've also learned that despite the neurosis of everyone around me, I know when to take my tissue salts and vitamins and when to go to a doctor.

32. I need a doctor even though I haven't been to one in about 12 years

33. No ... that's not true ... about 6 years ago I was diagnosed with borderline diabetes and I KNOW I should be checking into that ... which I am ... I am ... promise!

34. I know I'm eating ten times better than I used to ... yes there's ice cream and all that jazz, but I used to binge eat ... remember! So either something's medically wrong or ...

35. I'm holding onto the weight for some unresolved issue ... that not a question, by the way!

36. I've learned how my teenage years freaked me out and made sufficient enough impact to dent my self esteem

37. That's why it would be apt for me to manifest skin issues. I've gotto do it different as an adult because I hated myself as a teen.

38. There's nothing about myself that I hate

39. There are people out there who hate me

40. It's no reflection on me and a lot of reflection on them

41. Well ... then neither are the men who have lied to me

42. People lie to themselves and not to me, or at least ... it's not to hurt me

43. I have allowed myself to be hurt by lies and have an interesting shadow side

44. My shadow could take such sweet revenge on those who hurt me

45. I always tell Greggie my shadow thoughts because then I know I'm not afraid or ashamed of them

46. I never worry that everyone is the same and that every man will hurt me or every friend will betray me

47. I sometimes worry that I will be alone and then have a very sneaky way of convincing myself that I'm happy on my own

48. I AM happy

49. Because I know that everything is exactly as it should be

50. And that doesn't come from a spiritual belief that is forced and conscious

51. Since I've had to live every day so consciously, thanks to the blogging of project me, I have been proven over again that everything is always perfect

52. It's even perfect that all of the projects and ventures that Lifeology (that's Greggie and me) are running behind

53. As time passes I'm not the same person I was and it adds a new spin onto whatever I am trying to create, therefore today it better than it would have been yesterday

54. I can change things about myself when I want to

55. Like my obsessive nature that used would have been hysterical about time a few months ago. I love that change

56. Change is possible

57. So is anything I imagine ... wait ... I've imagined everything I'm doing with my life

58. I've manifested it ... because I can

59. Therefore I can manifest whatever I want

60. Money would be a great start, although I've learned the love of everyone around me while I've been without it

61. Abundance has nothing to do with money and everything to do with how I feel about what I have

62. Now's a good time to say that most of the cliche's are very true

63. But that a lot of self help advice is very wrong

64. That's where I know I can make the difference ... all I know is that everyone has to find their own truth and that can't be found by believing anyone else ... no matter how successful or happy they are

65. It's so bloody hard being happy all of the time

66. Wait ... it's not about being happy all of the time ... that's another total misconception that I've learned through this project

67. Having fun ... now that's something that should be going on all the time

68. That's how I've learned that my happiness will come and go, so will my courage and my patience.

69. My fears linger and some of them I am not even ready to face

70. Well ... I've attempted to face every one of my fears within these 100 days ... from climbing into an elevator to speaking my truth for the world to hear

71. I'm not here to a fearless life, that's not part of my plan at all

72. I'm here to live my life to the full and these 100 days have shown me how awesome it can be

73. Despite the broken hearted experiences

74. Yes, I've had those and have had to let go of two very special men, but the magical gift is that I've survived it and survived it very well

75. It's made me ready to take more risks with my heart

76. That has to go for everything then ... I guess ...

77. Grrrr for that realisation

78. Because time does not make a relationship or a friendship or a partnership and when it's time to move on ... it's time

79. Even when it meant I had to let go of the safety nets ...especially the financial ones

80. I've learned that it takes putting a lot of pride in the pocket and calming the ego to follow my dreams

81. I'm a writer who's living my dream and I won't stop until I'm published and have a voice amongst the crowds

82. Everyone wants to call that fame ... and only my ego wants to say that it's not, but of course I want it

83. Because I love what I have to say.

84. I believe in what I want to share

85. I have learned that moving back home at the age of 35 can be extremely though

86. Mainly on my sexually fun and active life

87. I am learning to be proud that I have one ... especially the secret world of internet dating, cyber sex and naughty midnight chats ...

88. That people always seem to be envious that I have or confessing their own ... so I've learned that I'm not alone and it's fun

89. Fun and not shameful ... so how come it's in the collective that anything too 'fun' should be shameful. I'm so glad I noticed that and am not falling into that collective belief

90. On that note ... I've learned not to fight being sucked into the collective but rather to accept that it exists and that I'm very much a part of it

91. Especially the collective of being born Jewish, but knowing somewhere deep inside that I'm far beyond a religion

92. But that's where I've learned to laugh at myself, which has been the best medicine ever

93. I've also learned that my friends laughing at me has given me the best insight into my personality

94. And that someone will love me despite the fact that I leave cupboards open and snore

95. I'm less afraid, less uptight, less focused on time

96 I'm more alive, more awake, more conscious

97. I have other 265 days of project me to go

98. I won't give up because I haven't given up so far

99. I'm going to have fun because I've had so much fun so far

100.It's a bitch being goalless!