1. ?I can't believe it's been 100 days of putting me first, having fun and living goallessly.
2. ?It's not easy putting me first and I've discovered that I feel guilty when I do
3. ?No ... I panic that the person I'm not putting before me knows it and thinks I am selfish and spiteful.
4. ?I'm far from selfish or spiteful
5. ?I don't care if others think I am selfish, as long as I know I'm not
6. ?I've got it ... it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me as long as I think highly of me
7. ?I don't always manage to think highly of me
8. ?Mainly with my family
9. ?My family don't understand me and I'm learning to stop the fight to get them too
10. They will love my anyway, even if there are hitches along the way
11. Hitches that I'm fine with and don't mind the world knowing about, but that I have learned to respect about my family. They don't want the world to know
12. That's because I know that I can throw anything about my life out into the world without any shame
13. Yep ... I'm not ashamed of any of my choices and actions
14. When I am it's because I'm worried about my reputation
15. But I've come such a long way ... I used to be obsessed about my reputation and it stopped me from having so much fun.
16. I love having fun, which I used to hate because I always worried too much about my physical appearance to relax and just have fun
17. I'm pretty and sexy
18. Despite the broken to that takes forever to heal (not such a fun lesson to learn) and I can't wear my heals
19. The issue I've created around me weight is my own.
20. I had no choice but to accept that after the sexiness emerged and men found me attractive ... weight and all
21. So now I'm officially doing this for me. I don't need to lose the weight ... that's proven! I want to ...
22. Pity the scale says I've picked up 4kg since the beginning of this year ... now that's a shitty thing to have learned
23. Eating ice cream so often might not be helping that too much
24. But I'm proud of myself for enjoying gym
25. And swallow my words ... doing weight training is important
26. Pity I sabotage my good efforts so often
27. But have learned that being angry or irritated with myself only fuels it more
28. So I've become very tolerant with myself
29. Even though I have the ability to manifest three bouts of flu in 100 days
30. It's one of the ways I know I manifest everything in my life considering I used to have flu once every two years ... at most
32. I need a doctor even though I haven't been to one in about 12 years
33. No ... that's not true ... about 6 years ago I was diagnosed with borderline diabetes and I KNOW I should be checking into that ... which I am ... I am ... promise!
34. I know I'm eating ten times better than I used to ... yes there's ice cream and all that jazz, but I used to binge eat ... remember! So either something's medically wrong or ...
35. I'm holding onto the weight for some unresolved issue ... that not a question, by the way!
36. I've learned how my teenage years freaked me out and made sufficient enough impact to dent my self esteem
37. That's why it would be apt for me to manifest skin issues. I've gotto do it different as an adult because I hated myself as a teen.
38. There's nothing about myself that I hate
39. There are people out there who hate me
40. It's no reflection on me and a lot of reflection on them
41. Well ... then neither are the men who have lied to me
42. People lie to themselves and not to me, or at least ... it's not to hurt me
43. I have allowed myself to be hurt by lies and have an interesting shadow side
44. My shadow could take such sweet revenge on those who hurt me
45. I always tell Greggie my shadow thoughts because then I know I'm not afraid or ashamed of them
46. I never worry that everyone is the same and that every man will hurt me or every friend will betray me
47. I sometimes worry that I will be alone and then have a very sneaky way of convincing myself that I'm happy on my own
48. I AM happy
49. Because I know that everything is exactly as it should be
50. And that doesn't come from a spiritual belief that is forced and conscious
51. Since I've had to live every day so consciously, thanks to the blogging of project me, I have been proven over again that everything is always perfect
52. It's even perfect that all of the projects and ventures that Lifeology (that's Greggie and me) are running behind
53. As time passes I'm not the same person I was and it adds a new spin onto whatever I am trying to create, therefore today it better than it would have been yesterday
54. I can change things about myself when I want to
55. Like my obsessive nature that used would have been hysterical about time a few months ago. I love that change
56. Change is possible
57. So is anything I imagine ... wait ... I've imagined everything I'm doing with my life
58. I've manifested it ... because I can
59. Therefore I can manifest whatever I want
60. Money would be a great start, although I've learned the love of everyone around me while I've been without it
61. Abundance has nothing to do with money and everything to do with how I feel about what I have
62. Now's a good time to say that most of the cliche's are very true
63. But that a lot of self help advice is very wrong
64. That's where I know I can make the difference ... all I know is that everyone has to find their own truth and that can't be found by believing anyone else ... no matter how successful or happy they are
65. It's so bloody hard being happy all of the time
66. Wait ... it's not about being happy all of the time ... that's another total misconception that I've learned through this project
67. Having fun ... now that's something that should be going on all the time
68. That's how I've learned that my happiness will come and go, so will my courage and my patience.
69. My fears linger and some of them I am not even ready to face
70. Well ... I've attempted to face every one of my fears within these 100 days ... from climbing into an elevator to speaking my truth for the world to hear
71. I'm not here to a fearless life, that's not part of my plan at all
72. I'm here to live my life to the full and these 100 days have shown me how awesome it can be
73. Despite the broken hearted experiences
74. Yes, I've had those and have had to let go of two very special men, but the magical gift is that I've survived it and survived it very well
75. It's made me ready to take more risks with my heart
76. That has to go for everything then ... I guess ...
77. Grrrr for that realisation
78. Because time does not make a relationship or a friendship or a partnership and when it's time to move on ... it's time
79. Even when it meant I had to let go of the safety nets ...especially the financial ones
80. I've learned that it takes putting a lot of pride in the pocket and calming the ego to follow my dreams
81. I'm a writer who's living my dream and I won't stop until I'm published and have a voice amongst the crowds
82. Everyone wants to call that fame ... and only my ego wants to say that it's not, but of course I want it
83. Because I love what I have to say.
84. I believe in what I want to share
85. I have learned that moving back home at the age of 35 can be extremely though
86. Mainly on my sexually fun and active life
87. I am learning to be proud that I have one ... especially the secret world of internet dating, cyber sex and naughty midnight chats ...
88. That people always seem to be envious that I have or confessing their own ... so I've learned that I'm not alone and it's fun
89. Fun and not shameful ... so how come it's in the collective that anything too 'fun' should be shameful. I'm so glad I noticed that and am not falling into that collective belief
90. On that note ... I've learned not to fight being sucked into the collective but rather to accept that it exists and that I'm very much a part of it
91. Especially the collective of being born Jewish, but knowing somewhere deep inside that I'm far beyond a religion
92. But that's where I've learned to laugh at myself, which has been the best medicine ever
93. I've also learned that my friends laughing at me has given me the best insight into my personality
94. And that someone will love me despite the fact that I leave cupboards open and snore
95. I'm less afraid, less uptight, less focused on time
96 I'm more alive, more awake, more conscious
97. I have other 265 days of project me to go
98. I won't give up because I haven't given up so far
99. I'm going to have fun because I've had so much fun so far
100.It's a bitch being goalless!