There's a picture of me as a little girl, pulling a face just like this. I remember the day clearly. My father was teasing me and then wanted to take pictures before we went to school. Too late, he had laughed at me ... I was sulking until the cows came home.
Don't laugh at me!
Well that's not entirely true ... don't laugh at things that I am struggling with. Yes, this goes out to my mom who does her best to try make light of it and throws fuel on my spitting fire or self sabotage. When my back was at it's worst she would see the funny side and I would feel like a burden. Now she's laughing that we are sharing a house and she is going to lock herself in her bedroom when boys come over ... so no I feel like a burden. It's bullshit, I know and there are a million reasons to laugh at the very situations that are there to serve me well, so it's not your fault mom. Don't go changing anything ... keep making fun of life until I catch a wake up and see the gift in it.
It came about when my very dear friend, Twinkletoes, plastered over Facebook that he was going to crap on me for not telling him personally about the house. He always calls me about anything exciting before he splashes it on Facebook and I failed to do the same. That's because there are a few things about me that even my closest at heart don't know.
Greggie has a glimmer of understanding and jumped in to explain to Twinkletoes why I am not gushy over the house or the boy. I can vaguely remember what he said but it settled my guilt a little and gave me time to regroup and not be nasty to myself.
There are things we need to understand about ourselves in order to express them to the ones we love and then there are things we need to understand about ourselves in order to decide if we need to do some changing or not.
The sulking I can work on. Actually I need to pull myself together and live a little more of my 'project me' lesson ... the sense of humour part in courage, consciousness and a sense of humour.
The inability to express myself when I'm unsure of how I feel about a situation or a place or a thing ... well that I need to explain to the ones I love because that internal time with myself is very important. If I force myself to communicate I'm going to lose that time with myself and in all honesty I make so little time for myself.
That's another side of me that no one really knows except for my noisy mind and me. Carly Simon sings a song that says "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me!"
Being conscious every day and telling yourself the truth the way that 'project me', my journey of self discovery and my Tuesday nights does, is bound to open the pandora's box of self awareness. Trust me ... there are days that is sucks big time and I literally sulk. Don't talk to me, don't try make me smile, don't tell me things will be okay because I know that! Just piss off and leave me alone.
That's another things I have slowly had to explain to my friends. I'm not afraid that I will fail, I might get frightened of things I have to do but I take it on anyway. I don't cower away from the truth but it stings like a bitch and I want to ring a friends neck when they say everything is going to be okay. Don't stop saying it, because once again its stuff I have to pull myself together about.
When Bipolar ran me through her suicide attempt I sat there with a mouth full of teeth and the only thing I wanted to say was 'well done my brave friend', but she knows that. She knows how well she's done. I didn't make the silence any easier and I can imagine my friends going through the same thing when I express my fear or crisis but know I will get over it in the end. Anything they say comes from a loving place and I need to learn to understand that and accept it.
So thanks to my my precious mom who tries to make light of my crisis and my friends who just want to share in my excitement or my other friends who only want to make me feel a little better in any way they can.
I can't guarantee that I'm not going to sulk ... coz it's kinda cute in my own personal opinion 😉