Attention: Want it! Don't want it! - project me day 141

The tattoo is healing so nicely thanks to the nappy rash cream (yep, that was the instruction from Pepi), a whole lot of care and attention from my gentle mom's applications of the ointment, Greggie's super thick applications and my brother's 'slap it on and smear' ones. I've also kept my hair tied up, considering the feeling of one hair touching it sends the coldest shivers down my spine and I don't feel like greasy hair for the next few days. I've also kept it open and worn low back t-shirts in the middle of freakin' winter. Needless to say, it's very exposed and drawing attention.

I love attention ... yes, I wouldn't be blogging about my life if I didn't.

So, the suck attention of my exposed tat caused a rumble in my family when my one sister spewed her disgust at my gorgeous masterpiece. We have to remember that tats are not very Jewish and that under the mumblings of unspoken words, my siblings think that it is an insult to my father. The very man who forced my first muscle down my throat and tried (but failed) to get me enjoy snails ... eeeewww! Now that's not very Jewish, is it? It took me a while to calm down and get through my dinner with the hovering of my tat over the dinner table. I didn't even want to eat her soup, but that's just he reaction of my 'bratty child'. So, I took myself off to the bathroom and looked over my shoulder at my glazed, creamy tattoo and remembered all that it means. Truth ... being one of the greatest meanings and guess what? My sister spoke her truth. She has a right to hate it and she didn't hide ... yay for us and our honest relationship. So, I put my attitude down and returned to the table to melt the ice and have a great evening with my family.

I had clean forgotten how much I just love teaching and have a confession that I shared with Greggie and had to hear myself say. I had decided that I was doing him and Lifeology a favour by teaching?archetypes. Yesterday, while captivating everyone and commanding attention as I summed up the student's characteristics in ways that stunned them, I was forced to realise that I have the most unbelievable gift when it comes to teaching ... most things, but?definitely?archetypes. I had decided that this would be my last one and I was passing the torch to Greggie ... why? Because somewhere along the line I decide that the world needs me for other things and I move on without thinking of myself. It's a bit of the unhealed 'rescuer' in me. I've done it with nearly everything I teach, from business management, to meditation and now this. But the way I felt when I taught caught my attention and as 'project me' goes ... I had so much fun that I could have done a 'whoop whoop' right there in the midst of it all.

Greggie took the students through a guided meditation, which is something I haven't done in well over a year, if not longer. I've become accustom to doing my morning meditation without even climbing out of bed and it's been a process of watching my thoughts and sometimes remembering to take myself off to my 'happy place'. My Guides, my fairies, my special unseen friends and my 'higher self' always come to visit me, but it's like hanging with friends and sometimes the wonderment is forgotten. Not this time ... if ever I've needed to remember something, it's right now as I step into the world and want and need attention in order to thrive in my life journey and within my life purpose. And there she was ... my higher self ... with long flowing hair and dressed all in white. She reminded me of a time when I was so ashamed of who I was that I shy'd away from any attention, love or limelight. Holy shit ... I've changed, because she's changed. When I studied archetypes we always did meditations and the one set was a whole process to meet the higher self. In the beginning she was all adorned in black with a hood and her head hanging down. I remember my?devastation?when everyone else was sharing stories of the beautiful images and I was so riddled with shame that I couldn't see her at all. She got my attention yesterday and reminded me just how far I have come!

Muffins ... I've been craving a bran muffin and there's nothing better than a Saturday afternoon with my best friend at our favourite hangout. It does happen to be in the middle of a busy shopping spot in a Jewish neighbourhood and I do happen to have a super sensitive back with a massive tattoo!
I could feel the first pang of 'Oh My GOD ... what did I do?' I'm smart ... I know it's not my stuff and just the ego trying to scare the bajeebers out of me, reminding me of the fact that a whole lot of aunties and cousins and friends of friends hang out in this hood. Luckily, a combination of self worth and the damn scratching of label against my skin, forced me to drop the jersey and expose the tat into public for the first time.
Right .. I knew people would notice ... But I didn't expect to get stopped by a sixty something old lady who just had to comment on my tattoo. She thought it was beautiful, but I must be very bold and confident to have had it done. Um ... I paused ... I AM! For the rest of the shopping experience, including the trip to the toilet where the girl stepped back while washing her hands and had a good look ... I heard the word 'tattoo' countless times. The cashiers, the security guard, a daughter ... hmmm ... that's a lot of attention.

The hysterical part of all of this is that I used to shy away from any attention on my body at all. I am still curvy and out of the 'required size' to be considered thin, at all ... but I know I am sexy! That's not a size ... that's confidence, feeling, knowing and self love ... now I've done something that draws attention to my body ... of all places, my back, which happens to be attached to my juicy bum! Woo hoo 'project me' ... If you've been following my blog from the beginning of time you will share in my acknowledgement that all the 'body crisis' has been long forgotten as I slip into the new phase of self acceptance and knowing ... I'm loving every inch of me!

There's this guy ... he found me on a dating site that I half heartedly joined and I actually only paid to be able to read his message. It was months ago that we were chatting and sms'ing every day and then the next thing he fell off the planet. In my usual style, I got irritated and deleted his details from the dating site ... and then just as he left ... he's back! We are chatting every day and he's a caller and not a texter and it rocks! I've stalled meeting him a bit mainly coz I haven't washed my hair in days, but also because I can't lie that there is a bit of apprehension from my memories of the past. Stalked guy and I chatted for ages before we met and after we did, he vanished. It happens, I know ... but I am liking this guy and the good old fashioned and genuine attention.
The giggle is that I can't remember what he looks like at all and thanks to a quirk in my personality, I deleted any record of him at all. Greggie reminds me that I must have said yes for a reason and that this is the whole point of the big adventure. We shall call him Genuine!

On men ... I confess that I like to be?wooed! The Jock did it, Mr Big did it, Genuine is doing it ... I like to know that I have captivated someone's attention and then the effort to meet begins. I don't need begging ?and it's not ego ... It shows the qualities of a man ... well, for me it does! I like a man ... and thought that I could give 29 year old a chance, but the lack of attention after drawing me in has become nothing but?frustrating. He's been sitting with my number and I've even been bold enough to ask when he's going to use it????He comes online ... flirts ... draws me in a bit more and then he vanishes again ... leaving me lacking in the follow through of attention that makes a man appealing! And now ... I'm done!
So done that I did it again ... I politely said 'goodbye' to 29 after trying to have a conversation where he would say something sexy and then vanish for over ten minutes. Then upon return I would tell him that it's not a decent conversation and he'd beg me to stay and chat more ... with another sexy comment and then gone. Spurts of attention from 29 annoyed me to such a point that I felt my blood boil ... and I did my goodbye's and deleted him. Gosh ... it didn't take more than 30 minutes for him to realise that I had removed him from my life to avoid my own temptation to throw myself at him ... and now he's?devastated! I have to learn to distinguish between my brattish deleting of someone on me standing in my truth and knowing that someone is genuinely not deserving of my attention. Over a month without a phone call and a whole lot of sexy talk ... that's not the attention this girl is after.