When I'm at my nastiest to myself, I try convince myself that I have no right to share my story my story with the world, in the hope of Project Me becoming a realistic and workable "map" to surviving all the self help that's flooding the world.
I look at the others who are happier than me, further down the line than me, stronger, more organised, more accomplished and I find it difficult to rationalise why the world would want to take any kind of guidance from a woman who still has broken pieces and recurring life lessons.
Stuck is a place that I find myself in often. I burst forward with enthusiasm, blog about it, definitely make heaps of progress, but then I get in my own way again. How dare I write a blog post, write a book, get onto a stage and share my story, when pieces keep falling and I take two steps back many times?
I look around at the others who are guiding the human race through the maze of life and none of them seem like they have anything to still learn or work through. They forge forward, churn out book, blog posts, happy mantras, positive affirmations, perfect smiles. They aren't the only ones who do it ... my friends, my acquaintances and all the self-help, life coach, change masters never have a Facebook post that hints at sadness, fear or confusion.
I am the only one who gets lost in my very own messages that I know the world is waiting to hear? Am I getting it wrong because I have stumbled and fallen?
When last did you read a post or a book or an article from someone who has already been recognised in their field, and it's a confession of still having broken bits? If you have one, please share it with me, because it will make me feel so much better.
I've fallen quiet. Every day I remind myself that I am losing readers who won't wait around while I'm lost. I am getting messages from people, saying they don't see me Tweet or post a profound Facebook status and my page hasn't had any activity in a few weeks now. That's a true sign of allowing the flaws to show.
Yet, in my quiet times, when I question my very life purpose, there's no part of me that can fake it. Yes, I've faked other stuff, like walking into a room with a brave smile, when I was petrified inside. ?I've faked feeling pretty and soaring with success ... BUT I CANNOT FAKE HAPPINESS!!!
When a life purpose is filled with the calling to assist others with change, fears or guidance in their lives, I do not trust the ones who have faked it so much that they can't tell the truth about how happy they are .
Worse ... they don't know how happy they are because the faking has been so much that they don't know the difference between what they are teaching the world and what is really true. I don't care what anyone says ... no one is happy all of the time. No one fixed completely. No formula is perfected. No one mends broken to such a degree that you can't see the scars ... NO ONE!
Yes, we've become a generation who fakes happiness, success, love, strength, bravery to a point that is way beyond the affirmation that is supposed to reprogram and enlighten us. That's because everyone has forgotten about the conscious part ... the enlightenment part. Everyone is so stuck on getting to fixed that the formulas are half baked, the truths are just lies that someone said we should tell ourselves and happiness is as unsatisfying as a faked orgasm ... which some people have convinced themselves is the norm or is all that they are worthy of in their lives.
Happiness, just like the orgasm, should never be faked ... of which I've faked neither and today I know that's what will set me aside from all the rest. That's what my life purpose is all about, no matter how long it takes me to get there!
You are being very hard on yourself but I understand. Just remember if you don't keep failing you are not growing. Perhaps you have gone as far as you can on this journey for awhile. Maybe you achieved your purpose and it is time to move to another stage. It doesn't mean you have to give it up but perhaps explore other passions which will help you re-ignite the fire in you.
I have put a link to a series that I am writing about my ADHD Coaching Journey over the past 10 years. Although I have made huge strides and I have largely found peace and contentment at age 60, I still fail regularly and have nightmares about past transgressions and humiliations. But I have learned that every single one of us has pain even when it looks like they lead a charmed life. Take care.
Hi, Pat. It took me a while to reply, because I did take that advice of yours and I stepped back for a while. It was great to do so and I realised that my blog needed a revamp, which I am in the process of doing. Content is beginning to flow again and I'm super happy. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Well done on your new blog and best of luck with the next phase of your growth. Exciting times ahead for you without a doubt.
Thanks so much Pat and for taking the time to comment. I'm excited about the next phase and hope to see you around as my story unfolds.