It was about this time last year that I found myself in the exact position I feel I am in again today. As it draws near the end of the year I reflect back on the vision I had for myself and my year ahead ... and I begin to panic.
Another year has passed and some things never change!
I'm still single. I'm still battling with my weight. I'm basically the same weight I was this time last year. My book still isn't published. It's not complete yet, to be honest. I'm still living at home ... oh, the list goes on and I totally panic.
'Project me' is nearly a year old and if I've learned anything from this time with myself, now is the moment to throw it all into action and save myself from repeating patterns.
I'm not saying that today I came up with any solutions or that I know how to really handle this time any different from the last, all I know is that I'm not the same girl I was when I started 'project me' at the beginning of this year. That's gotto mean something? Right?
Tonight is Tuesday ... My night with my mom and Greggie. Our night to do our 'work' on ourselves. To hear ourselves speak our fears, truths and ... more fears. I can feel half of me wanting to run away from tonight and the other half wanting to time to come so that I can listen to my own madness and remind myself of just how far I have come and that this time last year is no reflection on this moment right now! But for the moment, I'm doing the best I can to just not panic!
I never roll over and surrender, so today I did do things to keep me moving forward. I hauled out the novel, Ephineah and have edited the first chapter.
I spoke to my sister and we are going to join the water aerobics class at the gym together.
I asked my brother to go with me while I drive for the first time since August.
I am announcing two additional sponsors this month ... can you hear that I'm talking all the positive I can to just not panic?
Oh, to add to the panic, I lost Saphirah today. I'm only learning that kitties love to hide away whenever they feel like it and I had visions of her being flushed down the toilet and on spin cycle in the washing machine. Thank heavens for Huster Girl and Robbie who kept me both calm and giggling while I waited for her to re-emerge. Jeez ... no wonder I don't have kids.
I'm supposed to be meeting with a Facebook friend tomorrow. Well, I was supposed to meet with him today but he shifted the day. I am also supposed to be meeting with The Jock tomorrow ... I'm going to have to play the time game and not let anyone down ... which is totally ironic seeing that I'm fitting both of them in and seeing them when it's convenient for them. So, I'm a little bitter about it at the moment, but that's also because I'm panicking about related things. I haven't me FB friend and am worried that over a year of chatting will come to an end after we meet. I'm also worried about seeing The Jock after all this time. We have never just been friends.
Let's not kid ... I still panic every day about my back. I stress that I am going to do something to set me back. Yesterday I leaned forward and there was a stabbing pain exactly where the pain had originated from months ago. I was frozen with fear ... I totally panicked. It took me a while to calm down, finish getting dressed and wait for Greggie to fetch me for a meeting. We both had the same thought ... to call Dan and go for a body stress release treatment as soon as possible. I just couldn't make the call without Greggie, I was in that much of a state.
Of course I got through the day and Dan slotted me in at the end of the work day. Of course it's not the original pain and of course his treatment helped me wake up this morning with only a tinge of a memory that yesterday ever happened.
With so many 'of courses', there's no need to panic!