Now that I've found a system that works for me and I don't have to measure my food or cut out anything, I finally feel as though food is my friend. I'm also beginning to watch the patterns of what I do when I want to eat and how I handle it.
Let's say that the last few days have been no less than a mild crisis when it comes to writing, career and showing the world the real me. So food is my addiction when I am dealing with shame and I have discovered that interesting things about my life choices and personality shame me.
"Project me" is my push to be conscious about everything I do in my life and thanks heavens for that. Without it I would never have noticed the reasons why I shovel food down my throat after I have done anything that shows glimmers of my bold personality. I mean really, I have been tweeting more and being a whole lot more 'me' and with teach cheat I have had a cracker and cheese. Can you image the food fest when I posted my blog on Organic Orgasm and told the world about my sex drive crisis? I think there were an additional 5 crackers that came with the word, Masturbation! Silly as it may seem, this is the addiction I have created.
So I discovered the weight watchers points system and it is slowly teaching me the quantity of food I need to fuel my body for the day. I have even managed to still deal with my addiction and eat 5 bowl of salad instead of 5 slices of bread ... quantity and constant shoveling of food into my mouth totally settled the chaos. You can just imagine how proud I am of myself that I am slowly finding solutions to my issues while I definitely share more of my bold personality with the world.
Well, there is always a day that tests that theory and shakes the foundation of what seems so simple. Today is the day and I'm writing about it because tomorrow will be more interesting. I have 26 points for a day and today I think I have eaten 40. It began with breakfast at Greggie's house where Twinkletoes arrived with chocolate filled croissants and then I went on to make?lavishly filled omelettes with cheese, bacon and tomatoes and mushrooms fried in butter. It didn't end there after we ended up at Twinkletoes for tea and I had little samoosas and??lindt chocolate cubes. Oh, it didn't end there ... when I got home my nephews were here and I tucked into the popcorn, shrimp chips and stood with my sister while she cooked dinner that I will be indulging in later.
To be a little more honest, I'm in a little low self esteem about money and it doesn't help that my back is acting up again. I couldn't ask for a better business partner and best friend because Greggie keeps on reminding me that my health is more important and that the money will come. It will come. The result is that I am getting emotional about it and trying to force myself not to have to prove myself because my partner isn't expecting it at all and neither is my mother, under whose roof I am living. It's me ... I need to prove it to me and it comes with a price. That price ... being kind to myself.
I say that to my friends so often: "Be kind to yourself!" and now it's my turn ... hence the food guzzling day! Hence the reason why I'm sharing it with you, because tomorrow is the key more than today.
Tomorrow is the day where I wake up and know that i went over my points and that over the next few days I need to eat 20 points to make up for it. It's not about cutting anything out, but it's about my greatest lesson this year ... to not start over! If I eat unconsciously tomorrow again, it will carry on day after day and then I will feel as though I am starting over ... but if I wake up tomorrow and just carry on counting points then I will have a very big and brave 'project me' moment.
You do know that the vicious honesty cycle continues and because I was so brave in sharing this all I want to do is EAT? EAT!
Your are very brave for letting us so deep into your world and for doing whatever you can to be the person you want to be. I have followed your blog from nearly the beginning of it and | have never once seen you give up.
You are my inspiration!
Now you are my inspiration hun! Thank you so much for such a beautiful comment and for never leaving my side through my long journey!