I can't believe that in two days time I will have started 'project me' a year ago. I can't believe that I blogged every day this year ... well except for the ones that got lost somewhere along the line and the times that my incredible best friend had to help me when my back just would not allow.
I know that on the last day of the year I'm going to?reminisce about being goalless yet purposeful, but my day was filled with reminders and realisation that I am, with pride and self worth, actually achieving what I set out to do.
I had such an incredible Tuesday simply because I woke up with a great desire to pick something up and for the rest of the day I had the reminder that everything happens in its own perfect time.
After months of promising, battling with my will and my body and then turning the promises to threats, I finally had the urge to finish the novel, Ephineah. My back isn't perfect and sitting for hours isn't ideal, but I have also learned that I do have the ability to listen to my body. I might not be great at following through on what I hear, but I have also learned that I do respect and love my body and my talent. So besides the fact that I am ecstatic that I edited three and a half chapters yesterday, I am equally as thrilled that I rested, played and stopped all in good time.
I love my novel. I adore that story and I can't believe that I have been afraid of how complicated it would be to tweak a character and elaborate on one or two conversations in the book. Every time I tried to start it seemed like such a mammoth task, but all of a sudden it's flowing like water.
I'm just as content about the fact that my body doesn't look what I expected it to by this time down the road on 'project me'. I'm still single and a lot of the business ventures aren't where I expected them to bed. However, it was our Tuesday night gathering and one that my mom, Greggie and myself are proud to state is our form of therapy. Everyone has nagged my mom to go to grief councilling and countless people ask Greg and I where we get to offload when the world offloads onto us ... right here, on a Tuesday night.
Sometimes I have these?epiphanies and then my first reaction is to wonder why the hell it took me so long to realise something about myself. My reasoning is because I sometimes assume that 'project me' should be keeping me so conscious that I have these super self-healing powers. That's where my unwavering gratitudes goes to my mother and Greggie for keeping me grounded enough to realise that everything happens in its own perfect time. Last night was one of the most profound nights of all. My first reaction was to slip in the old pattern of feeling bad that more attention was paid to me last night. Oh boy, next year I have work to do on that one. It came out that I even eat what I don't want to, God forbid I inconvenience anyone or worse, draw attention to myself being different.
Greg asked me some very interesting questions and a whole lot of realisation jumped up and screamed 'welcome to reality chick!'
When asked about how I express my anger. You know that blank look? Well that's my response. Anger? What is anger? I can remember being angry with Greggie once ?in the friendship and damn pissed off with My Hero when he went and died on me. Besides that I don't do angry. Well, that's what I think ... but now I'm wondering whether some of the obsessive eating might be my way of expressing it. The eating has been a bit out of hand but this time it's different. I'm not doing it unconsciously. I know that next year is going to be huge (not the body size, but the work and the dreams coming true) and so I chose to chill out during the holidays and that totally included eating. I also came to realise that I am watched a lot in my family. Well to be fair, everyone watches what the next person is doing and for that reason I have shy'd away from doing anything that will push my to have to be the outspoken and different child who wants to do it my way.
I know ... all in one night, right!! But the most incredible realisation of all is when I got to remind myself how I woke up one day and stopped smoking and how I let go of my house and my old partnerships to follow my dreams. I have handfuls of examples where I can prove to myself that I can do whatever I set out to do, that I don't fail and that I do love myself enough to bring my body to health, my dreams to reality and my heart to love.
And for all of that ... and a few little milestones that I will share with you in tomorrow's blog, I am packing up the champagne and going off to my Knight's house to spend the day by the pool. So move over rain clouds ... this girl has a whole lot of fun to be having.