Far too much thinking - project me post 934

18 February 2013
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Considering how dramatic I used to be, I'm proud to say that my dramatic meltdown was more like one episode of a soapie, instead of an entire season, including the reruns.

I've kinda had to force myself to sit down and blog, because the episode doesn't feel like it's exactly over. So let's call this an ad break, shall we.

It really has been like cramming an entire drama series into 7 days (the last time I blogged) and it's all been hinging on too much with still too little sleep. The couple of night's sleep were thanks to an anti-inflammatory but that couldn't go on forever, so it's been back to 4am wake ups over the past few days. All except one night ... Friday, when 5 very special single gals and I were treated to a night at the Fire and Ice Melrose Arch hotel. It was a very fitting end to a week that was overshadowed by drama and Valentine's so I slept right through.
Okay ... it was thanks to too much white wine and bubbly and then only falling into bed at 2am that I slept way past 4am.

Wow, the night with the girls was so needed and I could feel that I left a few of my worries behind. I keep on thinking, "don't sweat the small stuff" because a lot of it is, but it's all the small stuff that makes it far too much at one time.

Okay, I'm rambling on ... so this is what's happening:

Greggie is in full swing with his new contact and after much?preparation to handle things I usually didn't need to in the business, I thought the gods would have allowed it to begin a little smoother for me. Instead, it?immediately?began with me having to make a decision that would lose us a substantial?amount of money.
Before, Greggie would have written the email, had the chat with the person, responded to the contract we couldn't sign ... and on and on. So I wobbled my way through and finally got the email saying that our services wouldn't be needed. The upside is that Greggie and I both agreed on our?decision?and I got to have that proud Project Me moment of putting my self worth before the money. Still, so much drama to begin the new chapter with.

Money ... oh, Greggie handled that with the clients too and instead of an easy time receiving a payment and submitting an invoice, both have been an absolute nightmare. It's been all about chasing, calling, giving it a breather, chasing ... calling ... and still both haven't been resolved. That one brought me to tears and I got to the point of truly feeling like my side of the business just isn't generating money.

Because this too shall pass, I let myself fall apart a little, but have kept working on what I'm most passionate about. The social media publicity is really fitting so well into my world and I'm on a mission to get the service out there. The drama ... because there seems to be a lot of that lately ... is that everyone wants to trade the services instead of pay for them. Another thing I've convinced myself Greggie is better at than me, but it's good that he's so busy with his work that I can't wait around for him to jump in and save me.

That's work ...

Then there's the issue of technology that has had me hating my move from Blackberry to Samsung. Data is so expensive and I've had to figure out how to be super smart with when and where I use my Samsung. Then, just to make my life that much more frustrating, the power went out at 2am and through the night, between the emails and social networks doing their automated things ... well, I woke up to all my data being used up again. That's it ... now I have two phones. Yep, I'm one of those people who lugs the Blackberry around just for emails and BBM! Annoyed much!!!

That's technology ...

I'm trying to get past everything with my ex (that's what I call him now) but with each new set of girl friends I sit with, another one tells me he was messaging them and poking them when we were together. I didn't think I would add this bit, I know if I don't spew it all out, I'm still going to have sleepless nights. I can't begin to tell you how angry I have been over it. I'm beyond trying to analyse or rationalise it. I'm finally just angry!!
I've also let someone back in. Just as friends, but there's a connection none the less.?Immediately?there is games and drama and I'm trying so hard to watch my words and not say things like, "MEN!!"

That's men ...

Family is well, just oi! There is so much going on and I'm really concerned that all I'm trying to do is take care of me and that's shouldn't be the right attitude. This is one of the biggest project me patterns I have to break. Putting me first is hard enough, but when it comes to family ... it's crazy tough!

That's family ...

My poor car is so sick! It cost me a fortune last month and we are still paying it off ... yet there is still a noise and to be honest, I have been too scared to take it back to the mechanic. Greggie keeps on reminding me that it has to be done so we must just get it done. He can do that ... be calm and drive me forward to do it. It usually ends with me crying as I put down the phone from him and cursing him for a moment that he hasn't considered how hard it is on me. Then I dry my tears and remember that there's nothing I can't handle and if it's too much for me then I'm not alone in the world.
Oh, then there's the chapter of fines rung up by my ex ... and me getting pulled over by the cops. Batting of eyelashes and hissing about it not being my fault got me off, but it's going to be interesting to get rid of these fines.

I know it's a long post and if you are still reading then I absolutely adore you for allowing this all to spew out. Wow, I didn't realise how therapeutic it would be. So there's one last thing.

13 years ago, on Valentine's day, the most beautiful man I have ever known died. We were in school together and remained friends for the longest time. I loved him ... a lot! I think he knew, but now it's doesn't really matter. ?Anyway ... I keep on priding myself in getting over the drama of his death and I managed to do it for a good few years. This year brought about a whole new drama with a totally crappy Valentine's (least of all because I'm single again) and all I could think about was my hero. I fought back tears the whole day and when we suppress anything it all comes out in our dreams. So there I was ... in his arms, chemistry like I had never felt it, happy as I don't think I have ever been in my waking hours. The madness of a dream that left my heart far, far away when I woke and realised that it was just a dream.

I can't get him off my mind. I can't get my ex off my mind either. I can't stop thinking about the responsibility of my business needing to be a success for my family as well as for me. Thinking ... thoughts ... thinking ... thinking ... far too much ... thinking!

Maybe after this, I'll sleep!

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