I've never had such a long gap in blog posts before.
Maybe because I've never had to blog about such a tough time before.
Maybe because I haven't gone through such a tough time in a very long time.
I move house tomorrow!
That's already up there with the most traumatic life events, but it hasn't stopped there! Emotionally trying is the understatement of the year ... a year that seems to have put a lot of people through an a very tough time.
I'm the girl who believes that the sun, moon, stars and planets do impact our lives and while everyone was joking around about the end of the world in December last year, I was bracing myself for what I believe it truly means. The end of a consciousness and a new dawning of how we need to think and be as human beings. There's no time to go through life not taking responsibility for how powerful our choices are and there's no way we are getting through this without unpacking our past and only carrying with us what we need.
So the last few months have been all about unpacking the past. Issues have crept up that I should have put down when I was a little girl. I've cried as if I were a pre-teen and thrown tantrums as if I were a teenager.
Packing has dragged up stuff from my ex. Literally, shit that he left throughout my home. It's all made so much of my dad's stuff surface ... and I had to get rid of both. We can't cling on to material things and in my case, we can't burn them either. I've just had to gently let go.
It hasn't been all bad, but the good seems to have arrived at a time when it's taken more energy to appreciate it than I thought I had in me.
Our business is booming with new clients and I have found an assistant who has slowly begun to relieve me of work so that I can grow our business even further. Slap in the middle of my personal turmoil though ... Like really slap in the middle of it.
My diary is a marathon of meetings, training, events, being a guest speaker, flying to Cape Town, judging entrepreneurs ... all between packing up, moving, unpacking and settling in.
But do you know what I've battled with most of all? I've battled with the messages that all say the same thing: "It's you Jodene, you get through anything!", "Oh, you'll be fine, you always are!", "You're the strongest person I know, you'll get through this with ease" ...
This ... This person that everyone seems to know as so tough, together and fearless ... I feel like I'm still to meet her.
You're right ... you're all right ... I am and I will, but the last one to realise it me. I put myself though hell, feel like I'm going to crumble into a million peaces, get bitter and twisted when no one comes rushing forward to save me, can't see the light and have no idea how I'm going to make it through the day.
Then I do. I get it done and I get it done well.
It's amazing to see the world take chunks of time to focus on things like being grateful, when I have been ending my day finding at least one thing to be grateful for, for years. That's one of the key parts of Project Me and definitely what I believe this shift in consciousness is about.
There have been bleak days. There have been desperate days. There have been days when I have felt all alone in the world. there have been days I have felt like I will spend the rest of my days being all alone in the world ... but it always end the same. It always end with a touch of consciousness, a little bit of gratitude and a whole lot of faith!
It's been crappy and I'm petrified for the move tomorrow. I literally have my first night in my new space (with my mom ... we are moving to my sister's house and living in the flat there) and Friday morning I do training for a new client. I unpack on the weekend and have training for the next new clients on Monday. I organise the full social media publicity for an event next Monday and it must be done, while taking care of my current clients, 2 new clients and leave for Cape Town on Thursday.
Sometimes I'm hysterical and other times I'm excited. I think I can't then I know I can. I cry, then I laugh. I think I'm all alone in the world and then I feel so supported and loved ... I'm either going crazy or truly living.