I can't do this - project me day 175

26 June 2010

It's my blog and it's my project and I should be allowed to blog when I like. Um ... you think?
No ... I have to blog in the moment! Who thought of this blogging daily and telling the world my truth stuff?? I wish I had some irresponsible marketing dude to blame ... but I don't! It's me ... it was my brainy idea!

So I'm blogging ... but it took me the entire day to do it. Every time I started and had to spill my truth I would hear my ego say "I can't do it!'. I even dragged myself off to my favourite restaurant, Hodges, and tried to blog off my Blackberry ... but miracle of miracles, I lost the post. It was a naffy one anyway and avoided all the truths. I'm still feeling as though i can't do it and with every word I type my ego is shouting out so loud ... "I can't do it" ... but that's why I must!!

I can't believe how I resist blogging the things that I don't have any resolution to. It says so much about where I am in my own personal project and I need to have a bit of a look at why I'm not comfortable in the chaos.
I think that's half the problem ... because I relate not knowing as being out of control and in chaos. That's so silly ... that's the whole journey of life.

So, I woke up this morning in total chaos after having ended my day waiting to hear from 'the guy' ... hmmm ... best I name him! He really was an out of the blue surprise and I can't remember going 'wow' so soon after setting eyes on someone before ... so he'll be MY WOW.
Anyway ... My Wow did the one thing I can't deal with last night ... he started communicating and then left me hanging. Out of the blue I received a message to say that he was officially breaking up with his girlfriend and he even went as far as to ask me what my plans where. I had plans ... ?I was in the midst of my plans ... but I still told him that I didn't have plans. ?He told me he'd let me know ... and ... NOTHING!
I didn't want to be a wet blanket while with my beautiful friends, but the last time I felt so anxious I was waiting to hear whether I had passed my last year of high school. ?This was third promise to me that it was going to happen and then not hearing left me feeling afraid and frustrated.
Sleeping through anticipated knights like these are never fun and my head was tossing between ... 'he did it/he didn't do it again' and back to he did it ... then back to 'the bastard didn't do it'. It's exactly like waiting for test results ... well in my case at least because I hated school and could never guarantee a pass. But I would feel as though I ?had passed but then worried that being confident would jinx the results and I would fail.

Needless to say I woke up tired, upset and still frightened and had no intention of doing anything but lying in bed in a heap. This is where I can pat myself on the back ... I've always know the difference between wanting to just lie in bed and chill and wanting to hide away from the world ... and when it's hiding time I have always managed to get myself up and out. Greggie has helped me understand that it's sometimes OK to hide ... but today I knew that it wasn't. I had to get up and not mope around waiting for someone to sort his life out ... even if I'm holding out that that someone will be someone special to me.

I did it ... I did get up and I did go out, but I didn't have the best time. I dragged myself home and I lay on the bed without even managing to feel inspired by the Country music. I did have one thought that made me giggle though ... coming from a Jewish family it's always very amusing that I love music that sing so much about Jesus and there is no prettier song than "Jesus take the wheel' ... I'm currently babysitting the parrot and chuckled at the thought that my mom might return to the parrot singing, "Jesus take the wheel" ... tee hee.

That's a woo hoo for me ... I am still laughing. I know Greggie is worried about me and I'm not laughing as much ... but I'm aware of it and I just have to remember 'project me' and keep telling myself the truth and making sure I have as much fun as I can in this time of not knowing.

He did it ... I'm also relieved to say that he didn't end his relationship for 'us'. He did it because he got a glimmer of 'project me' by knowing me and told himself the truth too!
I'm seeing him tomorrow ... after a moment or two of thinking that I couldn't do this and him thinking he couldn't do this either. This? What is this???

I don't know ...
It's in my nature to turn myself into the teacher and try find a lesson to share with the world right now, but i can't do this! I can't offer anything because I've never been here before. It's my first time at not having to know who we are and what we are and where we are going. Even if I don't ask it of the other person ... I always have to have the answers in my head. I don't ...

That makes me very?vulnerable! Very insecure and makes me want to run for the hills screaming "I can't do this!!"

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