I'm supposed to be blogging about #projectbody. I even went so far as to start the post, but then my day hasn't gone according to plan from the start. So I'm sitting on my dad's side of the bed (I guess no matter how long he's been gone, it will always be 'his'), my country music is on and I've traded in the healthy green tea for my ritualistic comfort English tea for this blog.
Yes, I still smell of smoke and the little black pieces of burned paper are only settling to the ground now. I did it ... I burned my vision board. Who does that right?
Well let me go back a few years, then a few days and then you'll see why I just gave myself permission to set fire to my vision board.
I created my vision board well over 7 or 8 years ago. It's amazing that when I stared at it a few minutes ago, I knew that my vision was right on track. Everything that was on that board still spoke of my potential and my dreams.
Well, let's go back a few months to clarify that. When I originally did my board, I was still influenced by others who were genuinely showing their love for me and telling me that I would be great at this and wonderful at that. Most of the this and that related to me being a mother and my board was covered with pics of motherhood. It was also created at a time when I was single and had never experience love before and now I'm in the midst of discovering all that love has to teach in a very special relationship.
So a few months ago I took scissors to my board and cut away the things that didn't really apply to where I am in my life right now. I stuck the bits and pieces up again and was truly amazed at how solid my vision for my life.
As i sip on my comfort tea and pause to listen to a country song about rain and corn, I reflect on a few weeks that have left me bewildered about my relationship with myself.
A few months ago, in our Tuesday night feelings sessions, we started doing an amazing exercise where we put together a list that would ultimately describe our self worth. This list is there to turn to whenever life gets a little wobbly and we forget all of the characteristics that we have to rely on about ourselves.
Well, that's what I thought the list was for, but now I'm beginning to realise that I'm only scratching the surface of how much of that worth I am using in my life. Finally, we have paying clients, amazing opportunities, I'm losing weight with the right attitude and Pat and I know that we can get through anything.
Then why am I in the worst state I have been in, in a long time?
I've found myself is a state of fear and anxiety over the last few weeks, that even going to the shops on my own or sending a letter to a client without Greggie checking it is distressing me. I'm crying at trailers of movies and dreaming about my life in chaos. Poor Pat and Greggie are dealing with an emotionally unstable woman at the moment and I'm so grateful that both of them have the patience to know that it's temporary and I'll come out on the other side with the lessons I need to learn.
Amazingly, for the way I was feeling today, I should have avoided getting out of bed and wasted the day away. Instead, I crossed every single thing off my list that I have been procrastinating over and putting off. I tidied the office and sorted out things I have been shoving away for another day. My to do list is nearly complete (and things have been on it for months) and Monday I can start a new week with nothing incomplete.
Crazy space right?
Well I think that's the whole point. I get the feeling that something big is changing and I'm feeling down because it's the lull before a very big and exciting storm of growth. It's either that or I'm going slightly mad, so I'm sticking to my knowing that my self worth list has shaken something in me that's waiting to burst into a life that's bigger and better ... a life that's been on my vision board for ages.
So then why did I burn it?
Because of who I was when I did it. Every time I look at it I can't get past how much I've changed and I can't seem to shake how important a new and fresh energy is right now. I've been thinking about it every time I look at the board and then I keep telling myself to get over and focus on what's important ... my vision!!!!
That's just it ... my vision is all about energy. It's about how I want to feel and the images are just ideals of what I wake up and work towards each day, but if I have a house or a cottage or a villa doesn't matter ... I will have my dream home. That home is build on every bit of energy I put into it and at the moment, my energy is change. No, it's changed. It's changed and I'm trying to adjust to it.
Energy is everything. That's what I have learned over the last few hours.
What we think is one thing, but what energy we feel is totally different. The same me, with a different energy has the same visions but I need a new board ... with this energy, that reflects the me who I have become.