I wanted to cancel - project me day 446

22 March 2011

My poor friends. I'm glad they have the esteem they have because everything I've planned over the past few days I have wished I hadn't. Well, that's not true. I have had a fleeting moment of wishing that I had cancelled but then I have remembered that, no matter what happens, I have the most amazing friends to pull me over that one nasty bump I can't seem to heave myself over.

I have reflected back on the time I have been blogging 'project me' and this seems to be the longest I've hovered in a space of insecurity, uncertainty and down right nasty to me. A whole pile of issues have come flooding back and although the issues are the same, the money situation is getting tighter. I seem to be questioning every decision I have ever made and I have even battled to blog. Amazingly, even though I only added songs and a brief note over the past few days ... I never missed a day of blogging. Therefore I never missed a day of 'project me'. Therefore ... I know I will be ok!

I also never canceled my friends, no matter how much I cried before the special events started. The first one being the Pagan celebration of Mabon, which happens to be Thanksgiving in my world.
As I explained to my special friends, I am always thankful. I never miss the blessings and I never relinquish responsibility for exactly where I find myself. 'Project me' has reminded me of this every day. I am also not part of the positivity movement and can't wear rose coloured glasses when looking at certain situations in my life. So thanksgiving had an interesting spin on it for me. I was most thankful that my friends embrace my practices and get so excited to part-take in them. I was equally thankful that we celebrate these moments (and all moments we are together) with the merriment that the goddesses expect of life.

It was equally amazing to watch each person slip into the space of gratitude and embrace the very reasons why I found the magic of celebrating these festivals with as much tradition as possible.

Of course, in my crowd, it eventually all goes south and fits of laughter and hysteria reigns. In those moments when we become shamelessly joyous, I am thrilled that I never canceled.

Yesterday, my house had no water and no electricity at another point. It rains into the house and clouds were hovering and there are boxes of half packed items scattered everywhere. That almost stopped me from the impromptu dinner my soul was craving. Money is still tight and no one ever seems to mind, so why did I get myself so stressed that the people who have seen me at my worst, would see me at my worst?

Of course, I'm thrilled that I didn't cancel. I don't know if there are even pictures to prove the mayhem that we create when we gather together. I'm sure if you saw the pics, you still wouldn't believe it.
There are no words to thank my Greggie, Twinkletoes, Hustler Girl and Ponkie for being the most incredible friends a girl could ask for ... thank you for not being insulted every time I told you I wished I had canceled you and thank you for giving me so many reasons to be so grateful I didn't.

I know that this too will pass, but in the meantime ... thank you for being my strength and the light that keeps my path bright as I take each step.

3 comments on “I wanted to cancel - project me day 446”

  1. Friends are like stars, they tend to shine the brightest in the darkest of times. Somehow they often point the way too... But only if you know how to read them.

    But hey... 😉 I'm just sayin'
    My recent post God Help the Outcasts

    1. That's beautiful and very true! It's amazing how the right friends at the right time manage to spread so much precious light and make it all seem that little brighter!

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