Admittedly, I can't blog for long today (being halfway through day 152) because I've managed to waste more than half of it forcing myself into positive spaces ... but that's for tomorrow's blog.
Today, I just have to get through this so that I can finally do some work for the first time in a good few days. I miss my sparkling personality and spunk for writing and getting through the days with a positive attitude. That's why I did the fun blog yesterday and found all of my favourite things. Oh boy, did I have fun! I felt the little ray of "everything's going to be ok" come bursting through the window and ... the phone rang!
Yep ... just as suddenly as it was all going so well, it went in the opposite direction thanks to a call from Genuine. I rely on my intuition a lot, even if I don't realise it. It was blazing in my face though, because the night before I sms'd him instead of calling ... just in case he was busy. HE WAS! For some reason I have the gift of getting the truth out of people ... oh bless this gift, considering it usually leaves me having to spill my truth. So ... Genuine was cuddling on the couch with another girl ... which is fine! However, he keeps telling me we have a connection, yet he's been stalling to meet. Two phone calls a day has been the ritual since before I got the tattoo and for the past few days he's been couch cuddling.
I have the archetype called the companion, who is always the side kick and the friend. I'm always the girl that the guy is calling to find out how to spoil or schmoozle another girl. I've had The Jock cry on my shoulder about his ex and Mr Big ask me advice about his current flame. Text Guy and I worked hard on a friendship and now that he's go a girl, we don't speak anymore ... and now Genuine wants to ask me what I think of the cuddling that didn't lead t kissing. OMG ... NO MORE!
I'm not that girl anymore ... I don't want to be that girl anymore! With all the courage I had and fighting back a whole lot of tears ... I told Genuine to go away and sort himself out. I don't want to be the companion and the friend. Not when I meet someone on a dating site and put in energy to get to know them. I have my friends ... my beautiful straight, male, non sexual friends ... I don't need more. I'm not collecting Ken dolls!
This girl now found the space to realise what else I'm not ... and I'm not a?quitter. I don't listen to other's opinions of me and forget my own truth. I felt like Thomas the Train who dragged himself up the hill, but by the end of the day I had collected my medication for my blood sugar, picked up an inspirational movie and stuffed my face with the last unhealthy, self pitying meal.
'Project me' has been an interesting few weeks, especially since the tattoo and the shattered enthusiasm and self esteem seem to have come along at the same time. I spent most of last night thinking about the girl that I used to be years ago. The one who took tablets to calm my nerves and who ate myself sick out of fear and to avoid anxiety. I thought about the years of singleness and hiding away from anything remotely related to having to be sexy or vulnerable.
I went to sleep not sure how I was going to feel better or what I was going to do to make it different and not give up on 'project me' ... but all I did know, is that I'm not that girl anymore. Somehow that settled any lingering fears and fell asleep slightly hopeful for day 152.