I have 126 unread emails, 85 social media updates and 5 missed calls, all staring at me on my shiny new phone and I have no intention of getting to any of it until I have gotten to me. That's a ridiculous statement, considering it's something to 10 pm and me time should be more than curling up into bed, exhausted and anticipating the hours of peace and quite.
I've been there, done that and burned the bra ...
Me time used to be zoning out and playing mindless games on my phone or flirting with absolutely un-interested men on random dating sites. When both of those became like a drug that had lost its effect, it was choice time. Either do something valuable with the hours where I needed a break from work, or become a confessed workaholic and stop moaning about an unbalanced life.
December was crap! I spent it having realisations that not making time to get fit, eat healthy, read a book, cook a decent meal, find time to write, publish my books, find more clients or value myself more than the men I had been dating. Amazingly, focusing on the chaos and setting intentions to be kinder to myself on every level, turned into a life changing month. After spending between Christmas and the new year tossing out the junk food, energy sapping clients, half committed men and disrespectful relationship with my body, I was ready to tackle a new year, with new intention.
Some people call it new year's resolutions but I called it living with integrity!!
I have watched myself attempt to live a happy, conscious life and I have also watched myself live completely out of integrity. I prefer the former!!
The key is to watch, without judgement, and see the impact that both doing something loving for yourself and not taking care of yourself does to your day, your esteem, your relationships.
I use 3 benchmarks in my life ... a pair of jeans, my bank account and the current country music song on repeat. Seriously, this is my scientific formula for life!
They used to fit me and now they don't. They used to be way to tight and now it's time to find a belt. It was so flush that I could spend the equivalent of a month's groceries on a concert ticket halfway around the world and it was a drop in the ocean. It got so drained that I would do a silent prayer that the person I was with would generously pay for dinner. I'd dance around my room to the upbeat music and use line dancing to get my heart racing & burn a calorie or two. I'm sitting on my bed, tissue in one hand & waiting for Jesus to take the wheel, which would be completely ludicrous for the Pagan, dragon riding girl.
The past two months have been all the conscious, loving stuff. I've stuck to the balance of gyming every second day, eating (my version of) healthy, getting to bed at a decent hour, finding the balance between being overly (yet graciously) committed to my client and having no need to call the beneficial friend.
As the year crept to an end a few months back, the business was stuck with some interesting financial challenges, which is not surprising for a growing phase. I did my usual ... I cried and threw my toys out the cot and straight at my very patient and loving business partner. Then I picked them all up one at a time and I grew stronger. I handled clients, staff, situations that I always thought we far beyond my scope of business savvy or emotional capacity.
It exhausted me and I grumbled around my Greggie for a weeks longer, until I saw the rewards of my bravery. Consciously I watched the responses from the Universe, as I puffed out my boobs, stepped into the world and boldly did it my way.
I'm not a bra burning feminist and I'm certainly not sexist ... I love men! I'm surrounded by them. Granted, some of them look better in leather and lace than I do, but they still all have balls. Nope, I don't want those ... It's taken a long and very scary road in business, relationships and life for me to realise how very grateful I am to have boobs over balls.
Surrounded my men, who I love and respect, has made me a stronger and more confident woman because I've had to make myself strong.. While protecting them bits down there from failure, financial struggle, confrontation, risk, heartbreak or hurt. I consciously watched myself puffed my chest out, stepped out of the shadows of the men I wanted to be my Knights and I felt myself take on the world.
It's still with tears, girlie meltdowns and dreams of a cowboy on a big green tractor coming to save me, but with every day that I have woken up with the sun, focused on my health and my happiness, I feel as though I have built myself up into a warrior women.
Warrior women have bad days too and over the last week I've had the clear reminder of how easy it is slip out of integrity and into THAT space again. I struggled to tap into the warrior, fumbled through dealing with work issues while the bank balance dwindled, despite being in line with the risks I had chosen to take alongside my business partner. I made the long avoided call to the beneficial friend, worked late, slept late, exercised once ...
But then I caught a glimpse of my boobs!
I reminded myself of how good I felt in the jeans, being grateful for the cash that flows and dancing around my room to a country song ... and I wanted that back!!
It's not a lot that our bodies ask of us ... Feed ourselves right, sleep when we're tired, drink more water than caffeine & booze, move so we feel our heart beat blood to the tips of our toes, DANCE, make love to someone who has a more than glimmer of care for us and let our work reflect our passion and life purpose.
I'll flesh that intention out more tomorrow ... but for tonight that's a healthy enough reminder for us all, boobs or balls aside!!