It's all in the head, but I don't have to stop it - day 166

17 June 2010

In a flash I can think of countless times that this has happened to me. My mind can keep me occupied for hours and I can go on a tangent about how all men are the same and that I keep on attracting the same kinds. I can start to figure out what is wrong with me and what I have to do differently so that this doesn't happen again.

I can kill the hopeless romantic in me and tell myself that it's because I felt a connection and knew that there was something special and that it's not a good idea to jump into thinking these things too soon. My mind would have a total field day with taking the initial things that I was worried about between him and I and I can bash about my intuition and any knowing of myself by saying that I should have acted on my 'negative' feelings from the get go.

Now I can't concentrate and my brain is taking full advantage of the hopes that I'm clinging to ... the ones that might have him realise what he's going to miss out on or that facing his fears is worth the risk. Waiting for the phone to ring or an sms to come through ... and when my phone does make a noise my brain first decides that it will never be him but it's also chanting "please let it be him, please let it be him!" ... but it's not!

This is my 'project me' gift to myself though ... ramble on dear mind!

If I try shut the noise in my head up then I will be blocking out a part of me that has stuff to say. A scared of never meeting the right one ... frightened that it's going to happen again and again ... don't know what I'm getting wrong voice that is real to me. My thought are a part of me and a part that needs to be heard just so that I can see how irrational they are. Just so that I can see how little I think of myself at times ... and then so that I can take my very afraid brain and all my thoughts and start to tell myself some real truths.
You know ... the ones about how I had a 'love at first sight' moment. I got shown that you can meet someone in the least expected moment when you are dressed like the marshmallow man ... on a day when you are so frustrated that you can spit venom and all they see is the inner (and outer) beauty that shines?through.
Knowing that those moments can last ... just a moment ... and learning not to cling onto it because forcing it does not make it any closer to my truth.
I had fun ... I got swept away in a moment and then reality set in. Our true lives emerged and we both handled them the only we we know how ... but if I had not let my mind ramble, then I would have shoved my truth into a dark corner and wasted the whole beautiful experience and covered my sadness, dissapointment and fear with turning it all on him and saying things that the mind loves to spew out ... "what a jerk!", "what a liar!", "coward", "player", "men are all the same!" ... yes ... my mind has done that too ... but only long enough for me to stop and listen to those rambling and see how it keeps me safe from having to tell myself the truth ... what's that?

I don't know ... my mind won't shut up long enough for me to find the damn answer ... just yet 😉

4 comments on “It's all in the head, but I don't have to stop it - day 166”

  1. LOL...thats brilliant...i have many of those days the point that i can not focus on anything at all! so you place sugar in the fridge and milk in the cupboard!....but the truth, i had to teach to love and respect me!....and thats something i have to re teach myself all the time!...cause sometimes i get so caught up in the head E

    1. So happy that you are making sure you put yourself first E. It's never an easy thing to do! And the worst thing that will happen is that we forget the milk in the cupboard ... lol!

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