Yep, it?s the morning of day 104 and you haven?t read anything about yesterday. I didn?t blog and you?re wondering what eventful evening put on the breaks to ritualistic late night (and attempted early night) update on ?project me?. It was eventful ? as a matter of fact it was so exciting that I?ve woken up knowing I that my little project is huge ? it?s life changing ?
I did nothing ?
Yep, I got home after a every eventful day ? (hang on, one thing at a time) chatted to my future brother-in-law while I made dinner that was well within the points of a healthy day?s eating. I then sat at the dining table and ate ?. OMG ? no laptop, no television ? I ate and savoured every mouthful. It get?s even more eventful as I climbed into my mom?s bed and did ?. Nothing! Wow, the series flash forward is awesome and the reason I say it with such gusto is because it?s halfway through the season and last night was the first time I had ever watched without a laptop open. It?s the first time I focused, drank tea (I?m drinking more green tea of late, by the way ? it?s a better addiction!)
If it weren?t for my open and honest friendship with Greggie and our ability to be emotionally intimate with each other then I wouldn?t be doing what I?m doing right now.
My uptight personality has wanted to blog in the morning for a few days now ? it?s wanted to experience not opening up the laptop at night. But noooo, dare I change something I said? Dare I give myself the break ?project me? is all about and totally take the time to relax after a full day of making the wheels of my reality churn? No me ? not Jodene! Nope ? she?s gotto stick to her word and blog at the end of the day just like she said ? bullshit!!! No ? that?s for me ? I speak bullshit!
These are the two states I got myself into ?
1 ? China Doll reads my blog in her morning ? that?s my evening ? OMG, how can I inconvenience anyone. How can I change what I?ve gotten the world used to? Hmmmm ? Isn?t ?project me? about putting me first? China Doll?s gonna be just fine and so will the anyone else that I ever (in my perception only) inconvenience for my happiness. I mean really ? she?s the one who tells me to get a life most of all ? so I?m getting one my friend!
2 ? I have friend around the world and most of them I have made during my late night writing, working and now ? blogging! Now I?ve decided that I need a break from this freaking laptop and I?m all in a pickle about them ? hmmmm ? what am I in a pickle about? Them moving on to find another late night chatter? Come on ? I?ve made friend! I know that ? they know that ?
I also have to watch that I don?t create the next anal personality trait where I REFUSE to go online at night!
I?ll be fine ? I?ll be blogging in the morning!!!
Poor Greggie ? I have these pre conversations with him in my head and I get answers like ?you committed to blogging at night!? ? yet, the real conversation never goes as planned. The real conversation tells me that he thinks it?s a great idea and the real person smiles because he?s proud of his friend ? so I?m trying to learn to have the real conversation with my real friend and not the make believe one in my head!
I?m so proud of me this morning that I don?t quite know what to do with myself! I?m awake and listening to the morning traffic only begin to drown out the sound of the early morning orchestra or birds. I?ve meditated and I?m planning to be at gym by 8:30. I feel good!
So ? let?s blog about yesterday ? shall we!
From early in the morning it had been hanging over me that we might have had a meeting with the creative team for the children?s website. Yep ? we had it ? and I was actually nervous. I?m the client and I should be making them nervous, but I?m so fragile about everything running late that I didn?t know what I would feel if I didn?t see a huge amount of progress.
At the same time we don?t have our scheduled meeting with my Knight this week and the frustration of not having my new website and blogs in now gnawing away at my patience.
While dealing with those two things I had the thought of driving to an unfamiliar hospital with an unlicensed car to fetch my oldest sister who had a gastroscopy and is known not to handle sedation very well ? (put this one on pause ? I have more details)
Oh ? and I had to make the appointment with the doctor to do all the blood tests and check the state of this body out ..
Those combos usually bring on frustrated eating ? but there?s something different about my relationship with food over the last few months ? it?s not the security blanket it used to be. Thank God ? it was a damn heavy blanket!
Wow ? wooo hooo and yippee ? the meeting blew me away! It totally settled my heart when I saw the progress and more of all of our hard word come to life. It?s gonna be okay and I was totally reminded that it might be running behind, but it?s totally worth it for what the creative team are developing behind the scenes.
In the meantime, we have launched the second post to Step Aside and I must remember that it was the plan the whole time ? pre launch, teaser campaign ? all is good Jodene, all is good!!!
As for my website and blogs ? Jeez I?m so stoked at myself and how well I?ve learned to use WordPress. It made me realise that my Knight doesn?t have a fortune more to do and that I might be up and live much sooner than anticipated! That will so make me smile ? I?ve been dying to share my new logo and colours and blog topics with the world. I feel like a raging bull in that little cage waiting to be set free and bounce and buck for the world to see. Hmmm ? or is that yet another cowboy fantasy ? you know I dream of meeting a real cowboy? Have I ever mentioned that? Oh ? and if he can sing and play the guitar then it?s an added thumbs up the fantasy ? the rest shall remain my dirty little secret 😉
Where was I ? she blushes ? oh, right ? so it?s all falling into place.
Except for the little hitch of the realisation that it?s harder to wind down a business than expected and it?s even harder to adjust to the realities that time does not make a relationship at all.
My car is still not licensed, despite having the money to pay for it ? my hands are tied because of my ex-ex partner (yep ? I had this guy who I thought would come in and make all my dreams come true until I realised that that was my job) hadn?t paid his portion of the car license for a car that should have been out of my company name nearly three years ago. Why wasn?t that done you ask? ? I ask that too!!
So with hands tied I needed to fetch my sister from a hospital that I haven?t been to. I ate driving as it is and now my car is unlicensed. I hate break the law ? trust me ? I?m such a freaking nerd with that one that I get butterflies in my tummy at the thought of doing anything that?s not law abiding. All I needed yesterday was the problem with the license sorted out or a lift to the hospital so I didn?t have to deal with all my stresses and the additional stress of having to be Florence Nightingale to my sister. I don?t do Florence well ? no well at all ? my family actually laugh at me! When my dad was sick I was never shy to say ?If it?s a Florence thing call another kid? when he bellowed my name. I?m not fiddling with drips or checking how healed something is or dealing with woozy sisters ? why you ask? Because ? um ? I don?t know, I?ve never quite figured it out! It?s not even because I don?t want to. Maybe I think I?m not equipped to. Thankfully my family understand and leave me to cook for them or fetch for them or ... fetch them! If only I didn?t have an unlicensed car.
Well that didn?t go very well and sadly, by the end of the evening, I had realised that friendships aren?t made of time, that I can?t rely on everyone and that I?ve seen who will be there for me and make sure that (at any cost) I don?t drive around feeling anxious and helpless.
My brother ... who pretends not to care, but so does .. .well he came with me to fetch sis. He told me how to drive the whole way! We kept telling me to be careful ... watch traveling distance and even let out a shriek once in anticipation of a pavement that I so had seen! I called him MAX the whole way ... my dad would have done the exact same thing ... there is never a truer statement ... the apple does not fall far from the tree. Which I'm thrilled about because I smiled the whole way. I usually have my dad screaming in my head anyway ... telling me to watch the corners and nudge my way into traffic ... it's a bond we'll always have, so how can I not smile that my brother lives the legacy and totally freaks me out while driving!
So a new chapter has begun. I feel like I totally turned a page yesterday ? with excitement I exclaim that some of the events where awesome and with sadness I realise that some were real and tough to accept, but either way I know that project me was just the best idea ever ? because I?m conscious and I?m choosing and I?m having fun! Oh ? and when I heard of a friend?s plans to make something happen on a certain date with a very specific goal ? I realised ? I?m GOALLESS ? woo hoo!!!