Mine isn't a jealousy thing. Sometimes I think I would be grateful if it was. Instead, mine manifests into a desperate need to drive myself even harder than I already am. I'm still adjusting to the reality that my lesson is to slow down a little and that I do work hard enough ... smart enough still needs some work, but the dedication is more than there.
So days like yesterday are not great for me then and to sit here today and smile at what I did with it is a massive 'project me' achievement.
When it rains it pours and when every little drop questions my abilities, growth or achievements against someone else's perception or accomplishments ... well then it's more like a hail storm.
One of the most important lessons that I think so many of us need to learn is that we never have to justify ourselves. I spent most of the day trying to work out if I've taken that too far. In business isn't there a lot of justifying? And when the work day is filled with looking at other's blogs, websites and stats or asking the questions about the value of my blog then my 'you're not working hard enough' voice booms out at me.
I got home from work and cried from mere exhausting at all the brave new things that just one day was filled with. I handled a business meeting differently, am sending a quote for something I have never had to quote on before ... the value of my time, and have been surprisingly healthy while dealing with the build up to my sister's wedding and the looming move. Those are a lot of reasons to be proud of myself, but when the call came in and my friend with back problems too is doing so much better than me, the competitive meany in me kicked in again.
"Lazy!" "Overly cautious!" "Wimp!" ?... those are just a few of the words that I was calling myself and if it weren't close to bed time I might have just gone to the gym straight away. It took me ages to calm myself down and remind myself that everyone heals differently and that I'm where I should be.
The reality is that it has been time to get moving for a while. It's also been time to be a little bolder in the business world and start?beating?on my drum. It's also time for me to start charging those who need my attention ... and there is a lot of that!
Greggie is great at reminding me that each day all I need to do is one thing that scares me ... and so this morning I got up and finally drove (first thing) to the gym (second thing). I put my Ipod in my ears and hit the track. With the first few steps I started to tell myself that I haven't exercised in months and months and that if I just did 2 laps it would be awesome. The music filled my ears (Your sex is on fire!!) and lap one, two and three were pain free and great! Before I knew it I was heading to lap six and humming along to the music. By lap 8 had I had to promise myself to stop at 10!
Can you see that competition isn't only with the outside world?
I couldn't believe I was there, walking, sweating, pain free and proud of myself and I didn't want to stop. I can't figure out if it was my attempt at making up for the gym I've missed or worry that I would not be able to train in the?future?again. Either way, that mean side of me began to kick in and it took every ounce of?consciousness and self love to stop at 10!!
I did and it made me want to cry once again! I am not?exaggerating?when I tell you that competition has filled my household my whole life. It even went down to who could make a better omelette or outshine the other for who a parent would listen to. I'm sure it happens in a lot of families and I'm sure it always lingers in other households too. Thanks to so much self?reflection I have become aware of it and I'm 'project me-ing' myself through it ... one step around the track at a time!