I've had responsibilities in my life, but none are more frightening than my mother's parrot for the next four days. Yep, there is a love that a parent has for her children and then a greater love for her grandchildren ... but then there's the love for the parrot. It works both ways actually, because if my mom has been gone too long Albie (that's the parrot) get a little twitchy and makes her way out of her cage and off to look for her companion.
Hence, I've been a little neurotic and found myself lying in bed this morning waiting to hear any noise from Albie to settle my Soul that she hadn't died of a broken heart or gone wandering about. I'm a wreck ... I feel like I'm guarding the Mona Lisa!
It gets worse! I paper clipped all the cage doors just in case she realised that mom is out of town and left the?satellite on country music so that it all felt very familiar and she wouldn't feel the separation anxiety.
So my mother is away for four days and I have a smidgen of time all to myself. No television and the ability to prance around naked. I also have time to have a few quiet conversations with myself, which I don't get to do when my mom is about because I run from those very conversations and consume myself in my time with her to avoid it.
It's hectic in my head ... it basically never shuts up and I spend my time focusing on what I can do in order to fix something about myself or my life. Something's always broken! Something always needs work! Something always needs healing and attention. If I had to see myself as completely content in the moment then I don't quite know what I would do with myself.
Realising that has made me realise that I might not be getting 'project me' 100% right.
Here's the challenge with me ... I love realising that I am not getting something right because then I have something to fix. I am a teacher of life after all, so who better to have a broken life that constantly needs fixing in order to be a teacher who has lived and practices what I preach. That's a lot of pressure to put on myself and it's a very tiring?existence.
All of that makes me not as goallesss as I thought.
Thank the Gods for Greggie because he's managed to make sure that I don't totally destroy how far I have come over the past 173 days, but he has helped me identify that I might still be very focused on the end result more than on just being in the journey.
So that's my challenge ... to be in moment and be able to blog about it because some of my greatest gifts to myself emerge during my blogging time.
Here's a little?confession?that I need to hear myself say ... ?I always wait for the confusion, scary stuff or insecurities to settle before I blog about them. I never blog in the moment or until I have found the good and can share the lesson. That's far too goal orientated for 'project me'.
There is chaos and confusion and some totally unresolved issues ... but that's for tomorrow because I might have had the realisation today but I also have the courage to say that I'm not quite ready to throw myself into spilling my truth in a space of limbo ... so rather, I'm going to be in limbo and promise myself that tomorrow I am going to ... oh no, wait just one second ... ?I just set a goal! damn this living thing is tough!