Although I am very conscious of not planning my healing too much, I have to confess that today was a much anticipated and calculated turning point in my healing. I have been taking anti-inflammatories for just over a month now and have popped a pill at 9am with a little too much blind faith.
I don't really understand what it's doing and certainly don't know how my body feels without the medication but today was my third body stress release treatment and I wanted to see Dan without having taken a tablet for 24 hours. When faced with such?excruciating?pain the fear of ever feeling it again becomes overwhelming and so I had my version of an anxiety attack as the minutes ticked past 9am and I hadn't taken my pill.
I am well aware that my addictions don't extend to medication so I haven't been worried that I won't be able to stop taking them. I have seriously been worried about the pain. I can't ever experience that pain again ... well, never say never! I had a little chat to myself and asked the famous question: "what's the worst that can happen?" I was comforted by the fact that I have a better understanding of what is happening as my vertebral disk heals itself and I kept reminding myself that in an hours time I would be with Dan and having my treatment that has proven to be so crucial in my healing process.
As always, my mind was settled after a short chat and the treatment was a little more intense. Without having to express it, I knew that Dan was able to work with more intensity and my mind began letting go of the anxiety.
I love Dan's approach because it's all about learning to have a relationship with my body and he doesn't throw out that safety net of saying when tablets should be taken. He sees the value in them and gave me the opportunity to learn to listen to my body and not be so afraid of it.
I still haven't taken an anti-inflammatory after going for lunch with Greggie and sitting for a good part of the day. I am thrilled ... woo hoo!!
The only bitch is the headache I have ... damn mean headache!! Not one of those I am going to be able to sleep off ... oh well, the headache powder is a far cry from the kick-ass meds!
Sadly, the rest of my day has been a little frustrating because I keep promising myself that I will churn out a blog or article but I can't get my head space right because I am not comfortable enough when I sit. It's one thing to slip into 'project me' mode and type this blog in a few minutes, but it's totally different to slip into teacher mode and write. My 'project me' work is very focused on being kind to myself during this limbo stage of being better but not well enough to indulge in the passion of my writing.
Greggie has been my saving grace and I can't thank him enough for continuing to network and create business opportunities for us. He is a guest speaker at the cup for CANSA at 93 on Jan Smuts this Sunday. He has given me vision and encouragement and gently coaxed me to make a hair appointment and go buy a pretty outfit for the occasion. It's amazing how I have allowed the pain to scare me off from the things that I pride myself in, like my hair and flashy top that always frames my very precious tattoo!
PS ... I'm thinking this long road calls for another tattoo in 2011!