I'm not surprised I woke up with a literal pain in heart at 5am. Yesterday I felt as though my throat was swelling with all the anger and frustration I was holding back at spewing onto the people I know I love, but didn't want to at all. Close to bedtime I could hardly breathe and I went to having dug deep for some gratitude. I didn't try scrounge around for gifts and lessons, because sometimes it's not the right time to understand the messages from the universe.
Incredibly, my day started with one of the most special Tweets, from a beautiful friend, who is constantly and unconditionally tucked inside my heart.
I was feeling the love, working was passion & excitement, until wounds were slashed open all around me. Dramatic? Yes ... it was one of the toughest days I have had to endure in years.
I have kept to my promise that I made to my mom and I've never aired my dirty family laundry in the blogging space, but the laundry is truly soiled and bitterly sad to accept.
While I watched nastiness and the misuse of social media tarnish my father's surname, that some of us truly carry with pride, I also had a friend pick on my one brand account, so I was literally fighting for sanity and to clutch onto some ounce of love for humans.
I could go on, but the hours got worse, until we had mopped up as many tears as we could and bandaged hearts just to get through the night.
Then it was time to Tweet about any #ProjectMe lesson I could have taken from the day and when I tried to, a message came up from Twitter saying that my account had been temporarily suspended to prevent others from malicious or spam content I posted. An email followed, saying they were investigating my account for the same reason ... and all of a sudden I didn't feel like loving anymore.
By the time I climbed into bed it felt like I had lived 3 days in one. It felt like the days that follow the death of a loved one.
Today would have been the birthday of my real life superhero. He started out as the most misunderstood guy in high school, but for whatever reason, my heart was determined to love him and I did. Maybe not as much as he should have let me, but we ended up really loving each other (in the best way we understood). He was murdered by a colleague nearly 15 years ago and you would think it got easier.
In two days time, my dad will have left us 6 years ago. After yesterday, it's the first time I'm grateful that he's not around to see what has become of us without him.
So the sun is rising and I have to face the day with a little more effort when it comes to love. Letting go because they have left my human space is one thing, but letting go because I have to protect my heart, is something I had better get my head around quickly.
Ouch! This sounds sore Jodene. I'm sorry that you're in such pain. Sending you love and light from a place of knowing that this too shall pass. Warm hugs and big love!