When I started ?project me? one of the things that I knew I wanted to start having fun with, become goalless about and change without becoming obsessive, was my weight. In the first post I wrote, over four months ago, I shared a story with you about a very (maybe a little too) honest friend who told me that I looked like a hippopotamus.
Well, that hippo has downscaled this body into a decent enough form and my prettiness has emerged, even if it was always there. I couldn?t see it through all the kilo?s, but the more I did the more I knew that I could lose the excess weight.
I?m not doing it because I don?t think I?m sexy ?? I know I?m sexy!
I carry my weight well and don?t fake my confidence. I have a better time naked than most girls and guys with less of a body mass index count than me and I have an awesome sex life that is not tarnished by needing lights off to hide the cellulite or hiding under the covers to hide the fat rolls.
So, what?s the crisis then?
I used to have all this shame around my body and about my life and I would obsessively binge eat. While you were tucked into your bed after midnight, I was devouring a loaf of bread with butter and peanut butter and syrup! ? A night!!!
We know there?s a sugar imbalance now and that it can be fixed in two ways. The long natural way of changing what I eat and exercising or going onto medication ? and still eating in the correct way and exercising.
Problem ? I am eating according to a low GI diet that is suited for diabetics and I am doing exercise. So why the hell had I picked up yet more weight when I stood on the scale at the gym?? OMG ? every time I stand on this freaking thing I am heavier ? but weight (Pun!!)? ? I said one of my things was that I never stand on scales ? so why am I doing it?
Because I?m trying and I?m scared and for the first time in my life I?m slowly learning that it?s ok to ask for help.
I have to jump ahead of time to when I got home (sobbing) and called Greggie to tell him of the chaos and ask for the company to pay something out for me AND ? get sympathy from my best friend.
Nope ?? I didn?t get much of that! I got the reason why I am grateful for the open and honest friendship ? which did only kick in after I was so pissed off at him for not supporting me, for questioning me and for not understanding what it means to try and not succeed ? oh ? and for not being fat!
He wasn?t really concerned that I had picked up more weight ? I wasn?t supposed to be weighing myself in the first place and we had discussed that when u start weight training you do pick up weight as muscle mass increases.
He didn?t understand why I was telling him about a personal trainer that I had booked to see today at 10am, when it is very clear that in trying to be purposeful I am also not wanting to fall into the trap of someone else coming in to rescue me. I know I spoke of my friend who sat and had lunch with us and didn?t eat what he wanted to and is suffering through his diet regime ? I know I will never become that person ? but through sobs I did remind Greggie that I am the way I should according to my sugar issue and I?m still not looking any better. Let?s face it ? additional weight is so not good for sugar.
From the beginning I have said that this is to be healthy and happy ? and I don?t think I?ve changed that ? I just know that I can?t stumble around in the dark anymore.
Greggie also pointed out that in my hysteria I have managed to make my sugar issues much worst than they are, considering the doctor did not feel the urgency to put me on medication and said I could control it with food.
Then the brat in me kicks in ? I don?t want to talk to him anymore and I?ll talk to someone who has a bit of heart and a bit empathy. I don?t want to ask for money because it takes enough to need the extra anyway ? and ? I?m cancelling our movie arrangements for later! Done!
Well, doesn?t that just show all the issues bubbling over?
Once everything gets calm and I tell Greggie how awesome it was to talk to this trainer and how I only want to see him once before I take my power back and how I am doing this to avoid becoming obsessive about food and my body (because he says he can see some stuff creeping in again ? and so can I) ? I know my reasoning is not as out of whack as my emotion are.
Honestly ... It was too freaking cold for me to feel like going out, but the ego did love the little tantrum for a bit! 😉
I'm also taking full advantage of Mercury retrograde and blamed that for some of my hysteria too ... but then again I do know that it's the perfect time to be going through these issues!
I have questions that go beyond why I?m emotionally carrying weight! At some point I have to speak to the sides of me that are holding onto all of this and gently say ? ?Get a fucking grip!?
For the other part of me who is having fun, living goalessly and loving life ? I want to know why low GI is more complex that just eating anything ? low GI and why fat clings onto your body when your sugar is out of what and if super circuit is all I need because I love it so much ? and I?m going to see a personal trainer to help me understand these things more because the bottom line is that I?m tired of fumbling around in the dark!