Oh crap ... I've regressed!
Okay, that goes slightly against my belief that we can never go back. Well, we can never go completely back, because each day we learn something and should be that little bit wiser and more progressed. That's great in theory, but seriously, I had to admit that I've fallen back into some really bad habits and gotten consumed by things I worked so hard at turning around through Project Me.
Let me catch you up to speed. When I started this project me journey ... way before the blog, in 2004, I was an overweight workaholic without any direction.
Let's get the positive out the way ... I'm definitely not directionless anymore. One place where I have worked so hard and really maintained my focus has been in setting the compass in my life and working, passionately towards my dreams. I'm on track and I'm loving it!
Let's get to the other stuff!
We all have repeated patterns that keep on creeping up back to haunt us. There are dozens of self help books that are supposed to explain it and some are even supposed to help us get over them so that the past doesn't come back to haunt us.
Well, I have managed to get past the two biggest hurdles in my life as yet: The workaholic and the over eater!
I don't have to explain either, but I do have to tell you the space that I am currently in, where I'm finally sitting and staring at my life in absolute dismay.
That picture mortified me.
I've picked up all the weight I worked so hard at losing and if you had to take a glimpse into my average day it would be sadly obvious that the workaholic in me has flared right back again. It's manic! It's late nights. It's binge eating to get surges of energy ... it's a mess!
Every day I have been waking up with the full intention of finding a glimmer of balance. I start off with all good intentions and by the middle of the day I'm drowning in the workload and craving anything to spike my sugars. Then I'm working at night and wishing I wasn't because of the part of me who remembers what it's like to have balance ... so I eat.
I love what I do and wouldn't do anything else, so I canceled out depression very early in the game. My mind then started to play tricks on me (as it does best) and I started to watch the determination and then the desperate craving for starch and my NBF .. cappuccino!
I wasn't finding time to do anything I want to do. I just bought a mountain bike at the beginning of this year and have ridden it 3 times. I want to go to yoga just once a week and have not been able to get there once. I plan to wake up early in the morning and get a touch of exercise done, but I'm too exhausted to even think ... I must be sick!!!
Yep, that's what I did. I convinced myself that something was out of whack and I took myself off to the doctor. Interestingly, and not to be dramatic at all, he did find a slight heart fibrillation, that he said a little asprin should keep in check.
But back to the drama of the blood tests and the fact that I had totally convinced myself that the cravings were either linked to diabetes or low blood pressure. I was so ready to pop a pill that would stop all the cravings and help me to calm down to half of the manic energy I run on all day.
Yep ... I'm normal. Every test result came back clean as a whistle. My sugars surprised me most, because of the weight I'm carrying, but Murphy's always a sneaky bastard!
So this is the doctor's diagnosis: I work like such a crazy person that my body thinks the surges of energy are equivalent to me running a marathon. Then I crave things, just like an athlete who would want to replenish their body, except I'm not doing much moving besides running to meetings.
When I asked him what he could give me for that ... oh yes I did!!! He told me to take natural calming tablets to take the edge off and CALM MY LIFE DOWN!!!
That's so much easier said than done!
I have no idea where to start!
I could list a dozen thoughts right now ... but I have to end this post because I have work to do.
But, jokes aside, something has to give. I pride myself in encouraging others to live their project me by being conscious, telling themselves the truth, facing their fears, doing something different and living with abundant happiness.
That was my biggest frustration when the doc filled me in ... because I am happy! Well, for the most part!
I look at people who publicly do these days of gratitude or their countdown to their eating plans and I think it's the last people want to see. I don't see the need in making it public (despite my life being so public) but then I think that maybe getting through each day with a touch of exercise and no crazy eating will be encouraging if people support me along the way, because I'm really feeling like I can't do it on my own right now.
It's scary! I'm miserable! I have big opportunities ahead and it throws me onto stages and into the public eye ... and not one thing in my cupboard fits me ... so I'm turning to you for some guidance. Not on what to eat or how to stop working, but on whether it helps to put it out and get the encouragement as one day at a time I begin to reclaim my project me journey?