I've had long, sleepless nights. It's been going on for nearly 3 weeks and I'm sure it's not helping my state of despair at the moment. The last thing I want to do is lie awake a mull over all the things that are already taunting me during my waking hours, so I'm not a happy camper.
This morning there was an upside, thought.
I'm so used to waking up, starting my morning with my blessing for waking up, going straight into my breathing and then doing my visualisation with my dragon and my wolf, before even getting out of bed. Years ... I've been doing this for well over a decade and I'm so grateful for every day that I have started this way.
This morning, because I had been lying awake for so long, the thought of being in that bed for one more second was pushing me to desperate frustration, so I did something different. I got up, ate breakfast first & made myself a cup of green tea, before lying on my yoga mat and starting to take my breaths. I hadn't gotten through the first one, when I reflected back on a vital conversation I had on Sunday.
There is an amazing esoteric shop that I go to for all my candle & incense and the assistant has gotten to know me pretty well. She gets my love of dragon and wolves, makes sure I have the candles I need for the changing of the moon phases and goes into a little more detail of what's happening with the planets every time I'm there.
I popped past her before seeing a dear friend who was up from Durbs and literelly had 5 minutes in the shop, so I asked her what I could burn and which colour candles I should use to help me out of the miserable state I was in. She asked me what was going on a I told her about the bitter failure I felt, in the personal side of my life.
She stepped back behind the counter and sent me home with nothing. She told me simplify everything. Don't do the routine I'm so used to and not to do my yoga breaths, but rather just take big, deep, breaths into my chest and out. Don't try so hard and don't force the visualisation. Just be quite. I've heard this so many times, but I'm not that kind of meditater, so I've never listened to anyone who suggested it.
This morning I did. I listened to the birds and my cat purring right by me. I was surprised at how little mind wandered and found it easy to push the thoughts out.
But then I heard it.
A question ...
What if the only Self Help steps we are meant to take is to walk in FAITH with ourselves?
Here's the catch. For months I have been working on the 5 breaths of Faith, which I wanted to form the an important part Project Me. I haven't mentioned it, because I've had the "old" Project Me tools that I have used for as long as I have been on this journey and I was trying to shove the Faith breaths into one of the steps I have been walking for decades.
Then ... the second question came ...
What if we are meant to be a little broken a lot of the time?
Well!! I can't even explain what happened in that moment, but I thought about one of the cornerstones of Project Me, which is CHANGE.
Then why has everything changed, except the tools that helped me change all those years ago?
This is my favour part ... I have no ideas what that means, to be honest. So I'm going to take it day by day and blog about it as well as make voice recordings to journal this profound realisation ...
Self help, spiritual tools, all that stuff must have evolved too. Maybe not for everyone but certainly for me and for the right people out there who want to learn from my Project Me story.
I'm stuck because I've changed so much, but I haven't allowed myself to let the tools I use change at all. I was even going through the process of retyping a workshop I taught in 2007 and I really thought I could rehash those tools all these years later.
I figured them out as I went along and I trusted the process, which was the birth of Project Me and now it's time for the rebirth ... a process I'm going to trust again.
I have to extend thanks to a friend, who is also a stranger.
I've never met Rajat Dutta, but he's been the one person nagging me and pushing me to bring this Project Me book to life. Raj does some incredible work and his website says it better than me.?www.quicconsult.com, but his offering to me and many others is that he turns voice recordings into text. He keeps telling me to just record my thoughts and he'll help me bring the book to life. I'm sure this conversation started nearly 8 months ago, Raj?
So with that support and this uncharted waters I find myself in, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Some of it, I'll blog about while the rest becomes this book that I've also been so bitterly disappoint in myself about.
Raj has an amazing ebook on social media and it's been one I've thoroughly enjoyed, so I'm sharing that along as an additional gesture of thanks:?http://my.bookbaby.com/book/smecoaches