It must be amazing to be in your late 30's and to find our old diaries that you wrote when you were a teenage. I'm sure the laughs would be many and a part of me wishes that I still had those diaries to reflect back on. It's totally different when you flip back to 365 days ago and it's almost a cut and paste day. I kid you not!
Where do tears come from? was my blog post a year ago today and I'm tempted to stop blogging right now for fear of even having to deal with the chaos I've managed to cause over the last few days.
In a nutshell ... I've fallen to pieces!
I found dozens of reasons to hate the trip to Cape Town and most of them were pure frustrations about not being able to do what I set out to do ... all because of a sore back and a crappy internet connection. After a nasty pow-wow with Greggie last night I finally decided that tears were in order. For some reason I always manage to act tough and make a hundred excuses for my irrational behaviour until I finally burst out crying and the real issues come rolling off my tongue ... or down my cheek.
It's simple! I'm feeling totally?inadequate?at the moment and because of that the victim in me feels as though everyone and everything is turning on me. Well there goes the laws of attraction because now everything really is turning on me and ... well now there's drama!
So I was sobbing 365 days ago and I'm sobbing again. Incredibly, one of the reasons I was sobbing all those days ago decided to rear it's head and say 'hi!'
Some of you will have been around for Mr Wow and others are about to be introduced to him. At the soccer world cup opening game I sat next to a guy 12 years younger than me and it was literally love at first sight. We both felt it. Everyone round us felt it. It was a whirlwind of emotion and I was backing off because of the ago. Of course, My Wow was totally loving the age thing and he finally got me settled into being okay with it. The connection was incredible and so I gave in to it all ... only for his friends to give him enough reasons (and mockery) for him to back off. I started to fight for him and we both had our moment of total heartbreak, but when I realised that his age was causing the problem I let it go. I left a part of me with Mr Wow, but eventually deleted him out of my life (that means Facebook) and erased all his numbers.
You know when you get the Whatsapp and you have to ask who it is because you don't have the number? While you're waiting for a response where does your head go ... well mine went to every man (I had that hunch) that has been around for the last few years, but it never went to Mr Wow! When he said it was him my heart skipped a beat. He was the reason I was crying a year ago today and he's one of the reasons I went to bed sobbing into my pillow last night. Granted, finances and lack of business opportunities does overshadow him, but I recall some of those tears being shed about work a year ago too.
If one more person tells us that it takes two years to see the success I'm going to ... um ... I'm just going to!! We don't have another two years and that's scaring the living daylights out of me.
If one more person tells me that whoever gets me will be so lucky I'm going to ... um ... it's not pretty! I had someone who told me just how lucky he was to have me. I could see it, feel it, touch it, taste it and in a flash it was gone. So don't tell me about the next one when I'm still not understanding what happened with the last one. Granted, there were men after him but that experience made me realise that I could have it all ... and for a moment I felt as though I did!
Tomorrow is weigh-in day for 'project body' and I'm feeling like it couldn't come at a worse time. I know I've picked up a lot of weight since my back injury and I'm worried that if I was crying last night and today ... I'm going to crumble tomorrow morning at 7:30am. I also comfort eat and I have?committed?to learning to overcome that. NOW? Now when I feel as though my whole world is upside down and feeling as though I haven't moved forward in 365 days!!
Yes, Jodene ... now! After all, that's what 'project me' is all about!
PS ... if there is any guy out there who can tell me why you would make contact a year later and say that you were thinking of all the amazing times because it's a year since the soccer. Is that just to toss a girl's world? Does it mean anything at all? Is there compliment in that? Is there hope? Is there ...
Note to self: Today was an incredible day for Lifeology chick!
Oh Jo...Sometimes a year isn't enough. Sometimes a lifetime isn't enough to get over a breakup. It just shows you how much you didn't hold back, how far you jumped and how much you felt that it still hurts after all this time. That's saying something about you sugar, even if it hurts like hell, it shows you were brave and you lived a little, when most people wouldn't have. So you cry, you feel it all, because you've LIVED this year, you experienced love even if it didn't turn out the way you hoped..
I love you babe, and I'm ALWAYS here whenever you need me.
My recent post Shes been introduced
Oh my friend, of course this made me cry! Thank you so much for such precious words and for knowing me so well. It's been ages but I'm back in town now and just can't wait to catch up with you and connect with the energy that you give me ... that always helps soothe my fragile ego!!!
I hope you are good and I miss you like crazy!
Oh my gosh ... here's your comment and I really thought I had responded but that was to another one!
Thank you so much for your very true words and I think that giving ourselves permission to cry is the best gift.
Thank you so much for being patient wit me now hun ... I just need to find my feet and settle into my old self again! Lots of love
Right!! in relation to your PS: No guy would get back in touch after a year and give you all that rubbish and not be after something(if you know what i mean.) Whats done is done, history is HISTORY! and should be left well alone. I would say that am not your adverage guy so maybe I am wrong...but I doubt it. Right! Hold your head high and get on with ye Project Body!! Oh and If you have ever loved in the past - it never goes away you just have to learn to live with what happened and carry on forward - you can never go back in my opinion. I still love my childrens mother after been split/apart for over five years but whats done is done - there can be no way back despite my longing for having the life I used to have. Anyway am prattling on lol good luck with everything...till next time x
My recent post GM3–PROJECT KILL GHOSTWORLD
hmmm... 365 days ago huh? A tough time all round it seems.
Although a wise person once said, "if someone is stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let them go." 🙂
To which I'll add my line, "You F***ed off... so, stay F***ed off!"
To answer your PS: "I don't believe that's a guy/girl question. Mostly you have to ask yourself what it is that they want and do you want to be a part of that. Intentionally to toss your world up side down? I don't think so. Perhaps a pang of regret? Real question is, do you want to hang hopes on a regret? Or should it have really been a case of it's either right or wrong, not a year of pondering. But hey, always take it as a compliment that someone still thinks of you. 😉 "
🙂 xox
My recent post Total Eclipse of the Heart
Okay, I know my blogs are currently showing how fragile I am ... but this really made me cry Robbie ... thank you for reminding of what I deserve and who I am. I think single has been hanging around a little too long so I am not in a state that I won't find someone. It never lasts very long but they always seem to creep back into the woodwork at these fragile moments!
Thank you my friend!
That's a very sensible and true answer to a very complicated question! Thank you hun!
I did decide not to carry on the conversation and let the past stay in the past!