Today is the first morning in nearly a month that I've woken up without annoying butterflies in my stomach and apprehension at the forefront of my mind. It's even more annoying to wake up this way considering I really couldn't say that I'm loving exactly where I am in my life.
I totally live in the now, cherish every moment, have fun (which has now developed into chatting to the butterflies that have set up their camp in my tummy) and wouldn't change much at all. I put a lot of the annoying butterflies and lack of enthusiasm down to Mercury retrograde for long enough and eventually even Miss Universe (remembering that we are all our own Universe) had enough and threw me into a corner. That corner being our Monday morning meeting ... that was actually happening late afternoon because I had my hair done during work hours. I own my own business ... I'm allowed.
So then why am I even mentioning it? Because, over the past few weeks I've been thinking that Greggie is working so much harder than me. We've both gotten to the point where everything is about to be launched and I've had my realisation about having stifled the teacher ... yet it seems to be the waiting game and I seem to be dabbling (without direction) in all little bit of work here and there.
Thank heavens for truth and a safe friendship/business partnership, because without it my brat wouldn't have emerged in the midst of our meeting. The brat who stamped my feet and said 'I don't wanna' and 'This isn't fun' and 'I'm not doing that'. My bratish tantrum is actually laced with genuine frustration and the need for attention and to be heard and understood (slipping into teacher ... that's the energy of the brat in an archetypical sense, who is merely fight for love and attention). The worst thing I could have done to myself is taken the annoying butterflies that surfaced during the meeting and the annoying feeling that I wake up and not burst out into childish tantrum during our grown up meeting. But I did, and I gave myself a huge gift ...
Once again ... thank heavens that Greggie is the adult on days like this and got the brat to talk enough sense until we found common ground and I felt as though I had vision again.
Greggie actually said that it seemed as though I had nothing to do while he is knee deep in deadlines and I had my moment of feeling useless. My first reaction is to blame the fact that I'm not working like I used to ... you know ... the crazed workaholic.
I got home from work and told my mother 'no?unnecessary?television'! To which she even told me that we don't have to watch some of my favourite programs ... and so re-emerged the brat.
I called my Knight like 5 times within a few hours with all these questions about meta tags and SEO and how to do's regarding my website. Yet, while sitting in my bed working into the night last night, I didn't have the usual reactions. The TV didn't annoy me and become my distraction (even though it was one), I didn't work too late (in actual fact I had one of the earliest nights I've had in ages) and I loved every moment of preparing some content more content for the launch of the websites.
I listened to but didn't play into the ramblings in my head that this should have been done weeks ago and I empathised with my little brat who had felt all lost and stifled because I was feeling a little directionless.
In between, Text Guy called and I watched myself have the?ability?to slip into brat, because we don't speak nearly as much as we used to ... and ... brats fight when they feel the need for attention.
The younger man also found time to fill up some of my evening and my brat was bursting to point out that he's the younger one and I'm the old duck ... yet he needs to be asleep by 9:30. I didn't let the brat get upset that the person she wanted attention from keeps on wanting to sleep instead of play ... I don't know what to do with it, but being a brat isn't going to help much at all.
I drifted off to sleep reflecting on the relief I felt from our meeting and with direction about how I want to fill my day today ... and today it feels mighty full.
I woke up without any butterflies or annoyance and feel totally purposeful all over again. There is nothing that I never wanted to do in the first place ... I just didn't know how to express that the direction we had chosen as a business wasn't one that sounded much fun and instead of having the courage to say what I needed to say, I decided that everyone around me knew best and I had to just get on with it.
That's not very project me! Throwing tantrum isn't 'project me' either ... but then again, if it were not for my ability to allow that brat in me to throw my toys out the cot ... I wouldn't be bubbling with excitement today and feeling useful, purposeful and oh so ready to have one of the most funnest days in ages!
PS ... tattoo, one week today!! Woo hoo and eeeekk (you're gonna be hearing that a lot)