My own 9 & a half weeks - project me day 509

'Project me' has been body focused since day 1. Not day one of the blog, but day one in about 2004. I remember sitting on the couch with my 'guru' at the time. We were both smoking (yes mom, I really did that) and we had just returned from the reality check of my clothing shopping experience. My friends had put money together and taken me out to buy new clothes because I only wore those XXXL stretchy black pants that stretched to XXXXXL with a little wiggle.

That day I realised I was wearing a size 46 (size 18). I know I've spoken about this so many times and that it's time to leave the past behind, but there is always a constant fear that makes it tough to put down. I'm now a size 40 which is a thrill for me, but it's also only a benchmark that I have been stuck on for a very long time.

'Project me' has shifted the energy away from any kind of weight issues to a genuine journey of learning to know myself and do what is best for my body and me. That's the bitching part ... I don't know what's good for me at all. We all have it ... some in relationships, others with career, someone has it with money and I have it with food and exercise.
Since the first day of blogging you have seen me try and figure out what is good for me as I've done a moment of weight watchers, a few days of weight less, no carbs, low cards, fat free ... blah, blah, blah ...

And then I injured my back and an additional fear put all exercise on hold. Every day I fight with myself because it's as simple as doing what's best for my body. 'Project me' is supposed to be that and there's one area of my life I just can't seem to kick start and it's riddle with fear.

Thanks to the support of SlimLab, I haven't had to deal with overeating and binge eating thanks to cravings, but now I'm finding myself in a new space. I don't know how much is good for me. I don't know what a decent quantity is and I wouldn't know what to eat when in order to not feel starving half to death at night.
I don't want to diet because we know that doesn't work. ?I don't want to be an unhappy sod who loves food but has to live on water and lettuce my whole life, but I also can't be getting it very right if I'm stuck on 40 like a broken record.

In walks two great sponsors who are helping me be filled with purpose but not obsessed with goals:
Slimlab has a 9 week eating program which I am going to start after Greggie's birthday week (His birthday is the 27th May for anyone on 'project me planet' who does not know that.
Skyetor photography offered me a sensual boudoir shoot ages and I've been avoiding it like the plague ... but no more!

The only goal I'm setting is a photo shoot date: 1 September 2011

The rest is pure purpose and a Sunday blog throughout my 9 and a half weeks of learning to eat with a sensible plan, gym with a moderate pace and incorporate my everyday life into it.

Trust me ... I'm shitting myself! I have said this so many times and attempted it many times more. The only difference is that this time I don't have any goal at all. I'm standing on the scale and monitoring my weight loss with that tape measure that stares at me every morning, but I'm doing this to know me ... and not to get to like me. I already love me ... now I just have to show me how much that love truly is!

So the weeks after Greggie's birthday will be the build up to sharing how the eating plan works and stocking the house with what I need. It also gives this broken toe the last few days to heal. Then it's a Sunday blog for 9 weeks and following the plan, (that works in 3 weeks cycles where calories drop in each cycle) facing my dread of aqua-aerobics (in winter of all times) and?ending in a sexy photo shoot!

Yikes! Gulp ... it's time!