My right to fake it - project me day 305

3 November 2010

I sat down to blog at about 11pm last night and had one of the most important moments with myself. Sliding my chair back, I knew that I had done enough for one day and that this could wait. I'm at the most crucial time of my healing because I am off all the strong medication and am still able to write. Two little over the counter painkillers saw me through the day and I could feel the push to do more.

Yesterday was beyond words for me.
I woke up with the usual pain in my butt that stops me from sitting and thinking. I was so determined to write though because I realised how rare it is to fight on and not give up. I have been watching my friend's Facebook status's the whole time that I have been out of action. I get sad! Everyone is either faking their happiness but falling apart behind the scenes, or not even bothering to fake it and wanting to throw in the towel. The faking it that is written all over people's words and actions is what pushed me to get the blog done.

It took me hours but I did it. I loved every single moment of it. I took my breaks, let my body rest and had my famous cup of tea. There are no words to express just how incredible my day was. I wrote. For the first time in over 2 months I sat down and became teacher, writer and blogger once again. I was me. I was the girl who has been faking it for so long but who always knew that this moment would return ... and it was a perfect one!

I did my version of jumping up and down with excitement and gave myself a huge big hug. Of course I cried and then I went to get the loyal pack of peas and sat them for a while.

I have two more blogs for Lifeology and two guest blogs to get through by the end of the month. I have worked out that I have to write on a day where I have no plans at all because I can still only do one thing a day. Staying home is frustrating me but the thrill of writing has settled that part of me too.

You do remember that Tuesday night's are the time Greggie, my mom and myself get together and have our time for our own healing. It's a whole lot of talking and we share our insight, truths and nurturing with each other because we give so much of ourselves to the rest of the world all of the time.
Last night felt as though I was being hen-pecked and not many people get to meet the brat in me. Greggie and my mom know it all too well. It's my defense mechanism when I hate hearing the truth ... and there was a lot of that last night. It's still about relationships and feeling comfortable in my own skin.

Being totally out of action for these few months has put such pressure on me to feel good about myself. I felt the need for food that protected my body from strong medication and ate so much more starch than I like. I needed some comfort food too and indulged (but with less addiction than in the past). I am fighting demons of not being able to gym ... and here is the kicker ... it's my sister's wedding in February.

I am not trying to pull a Kelly Osbourne and waste away. I'm not even trying to drop clothes sizes. I just want to feel comfortable in the beautiful outfit I have. I have shown myself that I have the right to fake it because I know I don't fail and I know ... you know, all the other positive things that are rattling around in my brain. Why am I so stressed about food and exercise then? I am meeting with a friend next Friday who is a Pilates instructor and I am hoping I can start to do something very soon. Yes Greggie, I am doing my tummy exercise ... as I sit here 😉

Every once in a while I get all girlie and upset that I'm single. It's usually worse when I speak to people, like The Jock. It's totally worse when he's so sweet to me. We had one of those chats yesterday. I can't lie that I have been a little sad that some friends haven't checked in on me and then the one who is supposed to be the jerk is the one who has been there the whole time. So I get pissed off with the world and think I am going to be alone forever. Greggie gives me 'that look' and my mother says all the special 'mother things'. Then it's all okay in the world again and I remember that I never worry that I will be on my own my whole life. I reflect back on the beautiful men I have attracted in my life and Greggie says: "Everything is exactly as it should be!" ... so I carry on faking it 😉

Alright, I'm off to my fourth session of body stress release therapy and I haven't eaten breakfast yet ... blog you later!

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