I'm watching how so many of my money and my self worth moments of crisis stem back to the believe that I wasn't responsible enough to follow things through.
I'm blessed that I can speak openly with my mom and that I don't have to rehash my life's issues with my siblings, but they will tell you that it was their belief ... I wasn't responsible enough to carry things through. My teachers didn't have much faith in me either and my life was pretty much a battle with having to fight for some kind of belief in me.
I'm now at the stage where I'm trying to get myself to understand that I don't need anyone to believe in me but myself, but it's a tougher ride than I realised. I'm getting very wounded by everyone's support for me because it sounds very similar to my family's lack of faith in a?whimsical little girl who lived in my fairy tale world.
My fairy tale world is still the same and only my age has changed, but I'm still feeling it. I'm still feeling people tell me I can't cope, I've taken on too much, I can't distinguish when it's too much, I don't know what to do first ... and my demon are all surfacing.
How do I know? Because I got out of bed at 9am today. I woke up feeling like a little school girl who didn't want to face the world.
Luckily, the combination of Vanessa A'wakan, Jax_Inspires and my own self ?worth, I got up and turned this day into something quite spectacular. I accumulated amazing prizes for the #FollowSA event and have set up some brilliant business meetings for the next few days. I'll be back on radio 2000 this Saturday morning and I will be talking about the charity Twitter auction hosted by Lifeology.
My downfall will only be one thing ... If I do anything to prove myself to anyone but myself. If it's not about me and I don't find my own self pride in all I have on my plate and all that I can do with it, without dropping the ball, then I may as well be that 17 year old again, thinking nothing would come of my life.
The only place this rule doesn't apply is with maths ... now that I suck at! No really! I admit and I really don't care. Well, except when I miss a week on this blog and discover I'm supposed to be on day 684 when I'm still hanging around on day 678 ... how? Where? What?
Either maths sucks or I suck at maths 😉