All the?preparations?where going swimmingly with 'project body' until it was time to put the numbers out there for the world to see. I'm getting support in so many areas of life because I've realised that I just don't trust myself to do the journey on my own. I'm so lucky to have the support I do but I've learned that sometimes people's help is the very thing that tosses my world.
It's not often that many people can talk about a strong friendship that started off as a ... to be totally frank ... shag! If anyone would have ever told me that The Jock and I would have blossomed into the incredible friends we are today, I would have giggled with laughter. Yet, he's never left my side and has been even more supportive from the moment I injured my back.
So this morning, when the friendship nearly fell to shred, I had to finally take a look at a part of me that has been lurking in the shadows for far too long. This is what I do ... I start by not knowing what to do and then I get help because I can't trust myself. I settle with the help I have chosen to get and the moment I tell someone the natural instinct is for them to give other advice, that so often totally conflicts with what I've been told. I then don't trust myself all over again and toll the original advice in total haste and panic ... that's why I am where I am with my body and my health today!
After choosing to turn to The Jock for support, which he gave with absolute love, I heard a totally different take on things and I sent him an SMS this morning to tell him he was wrong. Yes ... that person who always looks out for me and has proved his support for me over again, was absolutely wrong.
Do you see what I do? Because it took a while for me to notice!
I didn't say that I had heard conflicting stories and I was confused. I said he was wrong!
That's just one of the many examples I can give now that I have realised what I do. The worst idea on earth is for me to now beat myself up about this, so this morning I filled Greggie in (at the battery fitment center) and cried ... of course! I had already sobbed so badly while The Jock and I were screaming at each other and I felt horrid living with my mom and hearing me yelling, swearing and threatening to destroy a friendship. It took ages to stop sobbing and one of the biggest issues what when The Jock asked for my weight. I'm about to publish it in a magazine and online tomorrow and he has held my hand until almost standing on the scale and then I flipped out when it was time to tell him. How that must have hurt my dear friend who knows my greatest fears and has helped me deal with my body issues by finding me sexy and loving my body way before I did!!
Do you know what kept me that slight bit calmer while the world tossed around me? Watching my kitties cuddled up in the cupboard and staring at me while started to meet a beast that has been well hidden in my blind spot. I wanted to climb into that cupboard with them and hide away for the longest time but 'project me' just doesn't seem to allow me to escape the consciousness and the truth.
Hustler Girl has been nagging me for final details of the next Pagan festival, Yule! I've been saying I will get to it and today I was reminded by Greggie that it's actually on Tuesday. Holy cow ... I am usually so prepared by this time and it's also my favourite festival (what is now Christmas).
That realisation threw be back to reality and all of a sudden I had more to do for a Saturday than I could have imagined. I still need to finish the first article for Curvy SA but those damn body numbers have put on the brakes. So instead, I allocated what everyone must bring for the traditional Yule dinner and refreshed my memory on the need for acorns, pine cones and a very special piece of wood. Never before have I actually done the Yule log (and I will tell you about it on Wednesday morning) but today I wanted to go all out.
Most times, my brother and I are arguing about something, but when it's time for help he's there in a flash. The task was simply to find a pine tree and a decent sized log. ?Instead of hunting very far, I asked him to take me to the park nearby where someone very special knows me.
Sadly, this very old oak tree used to be full of life and standing so proudly. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him and love visiting him for a good old fashioned tree hug. My heart broke the day I drove past and saw that he had been struck by lightening and was too old and tired to fight on. Slowly, I watched my old man fall to pieces and now in the winter months he looks as if there is no life in him at all. I hoped with all I had that there would be a piece of wood from that tree to celebrate Yule.
This is where my brother always come to the party most of all. When I tell him it's a Pagan festival and my friend is a tree and I need a log to always remember him by. He doesn't flinch ... instead he calls strangers and they sawed away at a huge piece of the old tree (with my dad's old penknife) ... for like 45 minutes. I kept telling him we could find another one or make another plan, but he just kept going ... for me!
The Jock, my brother, Greggie (oh, we can't let that go unnoticed! Say well done to Greggie for being totally butch today and taking my dead battery out of the car like a real dude!!) ... they would all do anything for me and they do it so often. Without being unkind to myself, I have to?acknowledge?that my natural instinct needs work because their natural instinct has been unfailing with unconditional love while I have let that beast out to unconsciously communicate.