I can't believe the time. It feels like 5pm, but 9pm is drawing closer and I can't say I've completed one thing today. It's been one of those aimless ones, where contemplating life and wanting sit and talk to the ones smarter than me and ask them what the hell it's all about, has occupied most of my hours.
I've dodged blogging about life for a while now, because I'm never great at telling my story in the midst of a life lesson. I'm one of those teacher types, who needs to have experienced the answer, to not look the fool. But then on Saturday, when it was the coldest day of the year and I was on Aunty Duty, I managed to convince my nephews to watch Eragon, a very special movie to me. I'm not sure if I've told you that my cat kids are all named after the main characters in the book (movie) about Eragon, the last dragon rider and Saphira, his dragon. For as long as I have had a belief system of my own, only confirmed by my own imagination, have I known and loved dragons. This movie is as close to any imagination I have had of them and I needed that to get some clarity on life. At one point in the movie, Brom says, "one part brave, three parts fool". I've watched the movie a dozen times and each time I hear that, I have an intentional burst of bravery ... which fades away soon enough.
Today, my baby sister got the news that she's needs to prepare herself for her best friend to lose the fight to cancer. If I could, I would wrap her in the most protective bubble imaginable and save her from the worst kind of letting go, but I can't. Needless to say, I sobbed for hours.
There's no preparation for that, even though everyone has told her to. I, on the other hand, told her not to. How do you? What does that statement even mean?
I've been so sick over the past week. If we don't vocalise it and deal, it comes out in the body's forced letting go. I've been sick, because how do you let go of someone who wasn't brave enough to just let go and love?
I'm not a fool (okay I am) ... let's try that again. I'm not blind to what I do. I conveniently forgot to mention to most people in my life and certainly didn't find time to blog, while I was seeing someone for nearly 6 months. The whole time there was this war between us, of me being brave enough to throw myself in heart and soul and him being cautious and unwilling to leap. Surely at 41 I should know that the right one wouldn't have those convenient excuses. It's nearly a month down the line and where's the textbook now, for just letting go??
One part brave, Three parts fool ... that gave me enough of a shake up to realise it was time to physically let go, so at 3am on Sunday morning I was deleting pictures, connections on social networks and removing the other easy ways of letting go. Again ... buckets of tears!
I'm in the midst of the lesson. I don't have the answer for myself and my aching heart and I certainly don't have the answer for my little sis and her harsh waiting game and a letting go that no one wants to have to do.
That's all I have. Broken and incomplete!