My skin's gone a little south from stress and a little too much of the unhealthy yet comforting food. I have fallen off the enthusiasm bus of my daily walks. I have forgotten all I taught myself about eating consciously.
I haven't meditated for entire time I have lived with my mom. I have done one moon ritual and cleaned my crystals maybe twice.
Of all the emotions I feel, fear is at the top of the list. It's only one fear. The fear that these parts of me will never find balance and I will spend my life starting and stopping my routines, rituals and even my beliefs. Yes ... sometimes my very foundation of belief falls by the wayside.
Yesterday was Monday. No matter what happens, Greggie and I go out for lunch on a Monday. No matter how stressful, financially strapped or miserable the moment ... we always have our Monday.
Just over ten years ago My Hero died. At that time I had a very special connection to a Rabbi who was my teacher. He taught me a morning prayer and I?adapted?it to suit my beliefs. In the beginning I might have forgotten a few times and it took a while to decide the exact wording and timing, but for 10 years, no matter what, I say that morning prayer.
After going to Dan Hugo for body stress release therapy after I injured my back, he showed me morning exercises. He explained to me how they needed to be done first thing in the morning before I even got out of bed. No matter how I wake up feeling. No matter the fact that I can't drag myself to gym. No matter what ... I do those core exercises every single morning.
It's easy for me to list the things that I let myself down with. And I know there has been a lot about this over the past few weeks, but admitting the truth is one of the toughest gifts we can ever give ourselves. Then ... all of a sudden ... there is that moment where the light shines through all the truths that had to be heard. My light where the things I started to notice I do ... no matter what.
Some of those are beliefs, some of them are routine and some of them are ritual. The very things I fear I will never master in other areas of my life.
Currently, I am living on a construction site and half of my family home is packed up in boxes. Every day we get rid of another thing that belonged to my father. I am overwhelmed with excitement to have my own room and set up my alter after nearly 2 years. Do you think I could cut myself some slack?
I haven't been and I wouldn't have unless I hadn't of woken up this morning and thought: "It's Tuesday and no matter what, I have my Tuesday plans." No matter what, my mom, Greggie and I meet on a Tuesday. We speak our realisations of the week that has passed, (I usually cry) and we help each other find the good, the conscious and the brave in the days gone by.
Moving is stressful and I am only beginning to realise just how powerful that realisation is. So, I've dragged myself into a little girl comfort zone while I wait to be settled into my new and sacred space. But one thing I never have to worry about is that, no matter what, I WILL always do what is best for me. No matter what, I have routine and ritual that I have sustained for over a decade. Those very routines that I never had before and that I will never live without after.
It's amazing the gift you give yourself when you look back and see just how far you have come. Don't believe them when they say 'never look back' because, no matter what, there are gift waiting to become your pillar of strength from the realisations of yesterday.
PS ... that's going in the 'project me' manual!!