This is certainly not how I thought I would wake up feeling the day before my sister's wedding. These are the moments when I most realise the power of 'project me' and am so grateful for my space to express myself and remind myself of the values by which I live by: with courage, consciousness and a sense of humour.
I can't say I'm super?courageous?right now, nor can I say that I'm getting why everything is?happening?and I haven't found a reason to laugh as yet. But that's why I'm here and that's why you returning to read my blog and keep it alive and growing is going to get me through this wedding.
Yep, that's the point I'm at at the moment and it's sad because it has nothing to do with the specialness of the day, but for some reason this family is consumed with chaos at the moment. My challenge is to remember that the only chaos that counts is my own and that I can't take on anyone else's or try rescue anyone from anything.
Firstly (and because it always weighs so heavily on my heart at this time of year) my hero died 11 years ago on this very weekend. A few years ago I decided not to perpetuate my chaos and I stopped calling his and hearing about how, if only we had acted on our love for each other, he might still be alive. I have put that all down, but a part of my weeps terribly for him with each passing year. It's always perpetuated by another single valentine's and the glimmer of wonder if maybe his mother were right. With the power of my consciousness I know that question is irrelevant. Despite that all, I have to acknowledge that it will always be fine to miss him but it's not fine to cling to any part of the 'what if's'!
Carrying that around is a only made heavier with the void that can't be filled without the presence of my father. God, I miss him horridly right now. It's perpetuated by my uncle (his brother) who has come from overseas to give my sister away in his honour. He looks like him, sounds like him, gestures like him, walks like him, makes us laugh like him and says inappropriate things like him. It's been a toss up between staying with my uncle as much as possible to savour every moment of having glimmers of my father to staying away because its so painful to live those glimmers and know they aren't real.
Let's talk about some wedding chaos. My poor little sister!
She's already a fragile little person (and I don't say that with?condescension?at all.) She wants to please everyone. Doesn't want to hurt anyone. Wants everyone to understand why she has done things ... and at the same time she is a bride who is marrying the man of her dreams, who happens not to be Jewish. There's also limited money to have this little wedding and these two things seemed to creep in and cause pure heartache for her yesterday.
After a family member was done with myself and my mother about my future brother-in-law not being Jewish and my sister getting an earful about not being grateful (which I don't see by the way) I literally had to put her to bed. You can't blame her. She's done the best she can with what she has and no one has the right to question any choice that anyone makes. I never though I would say it on this blog, or anywhere else ... but why is it the most religious who judge so harshly.
This is the same family member who I have been anticipating seeing because of the tattoo, but never mind that, my mom decided that while our family was being frowned upon she would just throw in that I have a mother of tattoo on my back and if anything offends anyone, they are free not to come to the wedding.
My sisters and future hubby have had to replace the following people within weeks and days before their wedding: The best man (who can't get off work), the bridesmaid (who is a being a brat and won't help my sis sort out a confusion with the dresses ... have you freakin' eva????), the master of ceremonies (who was one of my sister's best friends but literally stole business from her just weeks ago), the dude conducting the service (because he got U2 tickets) and the wedding coordinator (who called last night to say she's going to Cape Town).
I'm so proud of them. They threw out the traditions and the rules last night. They realised that everything isn't cast in stone and instead of my sis going to stay somewhere else two night before the wedding, they realised that now is the time they need each other most of all and they woke up together today. Well done kids!
Oh ... the builders drilled through their roof yesterday ... just to add fuel to the fire ... but I did giggle at that one 😉 Ok, so I haven't lost all of the laughter.
The most hectic of all is that on the way home the one sister that we need to keep calm in times like this was hijacked. They smashed the window on my nephew's side (with his twin brother in the back seat) and climbed over him to get his mom's cellphone. Why is it always the one's who need the extra protection? He's had such a rough time! He was hysterical and kept calling my mom with such fear in his voice. He's cut on his hands and legs and my sis is bruised ... day before the wedding. And the sad thing is that I was waiting for something to happen ... not because I'm the prophet of doom, but because I know these things sometimes and trust me ... it's not always an easy part of a personality to have! Well, I guess that's where the courage comes in ... ?right?
I might not conform to religion at all, but I have always said Psalm 91 ... That's what has been happening this whole time. Enemies may be at your door, but they will never go beyond the threshold. Some say it's angels, my sis says it's my dad ... I just know that I've always believed it and it's carried me through!
So I have some pulling of myself together to do (does that even make sense?) and it's starting now. Mom is on the phone to sis and my nephew doesn't sound great and my bride sis and her future hubby have made me breakfast ... so it's smiles (even if I have to fake it) and the last things to do before the big wedding day.