Numb from bum to toe - project me day 256

There are different kinds of numb. The ones that attack the nervous system and the others that seem to attack the emotional fiber of your very being. Well that's what I've been experiencing the whole day today.
This post is going to seem full of frustration and the truth is that it is. I'm so used to always being positive and keeping it all in perspective because I believe that it's humanly possible to live that way. So ... in perspective ... I'm officially, totally and utterly numb ... emotionally and physically.

It's official that a nerve is trapped somewhere between my spine and my butt and it travels all the way down my right leg so that I constantly have pins an needles. Like all day ... all night and all day again. Yes, I've checked with the docs and as long as I can pee and it's only on the one side then eventually the nerve will let go. In the meantime it's making everything numb and taking away the little sparkle of personality I seem to have left.

Depression ... it can't be avoided when the body is in physical pain and where does my head go when I'm depressed? To my?nemesis of course. This morning I lay in bed and cried that I couldn't wake up next to The?Jock (just because he's the nemesis ... I know, I know) ... but I cried none the less. I think I was just looking for any excuse to cry because the tears were as numb and my bum.

Greggie was the bomb once again and arranged lunch and some quality time together. Well if quality time can be considered to equally numb friends sitting staring at teach other and pondering the smatterings of life? It's usually that one of us is all chipper while the other is a bit flat but as Murphy would have it ... we were a bit like numb twins today. I'm guessing it's planetary ... or at least it's a good excuse.

I could also be talking total crap because I'm taking tablets for the first time in nearly a decade and my body must be completely out of whack ... it's messing with everything and my emotions most of all. I mean really ... I called The Jock sobbing because I missed him! He's officially a taken man and I decided he was the strong person I needed to rely on ... that shows how numb I am. I don't think I know myself when on drugged up high.

Did I tell you about the?pethidine? So the nice Jewish doctor who does the house call and charges and arm and a leg says I should be floating for about 12 hours, pain free ... hmmm ... having never touched a drug before I waited in anticipation for the my first 'high' experience ... and nothing! I swear, not even a wave of wofty?hallucination ... not even an ounce of numb!

I think I've had my first trauma for the first time in years. I'm bitchy, I'm cranky, I'm pissed off that people are happy and now I've decided that it's fun being numb! I don't have to care and there's no way of getting hurt in numb. Ok, it's?seriously?the drugs talking and I am so grateful that I don't read my blogs back to myself because in a few days when the pain has subsided and I realise that I'm entitled to let it all fall to pieces I will have to apologise to a few people for being so numb that it made it sounds as though I don't care about them and I will apologise to myself for thinking that numb isn't ok at certain times in one's life!!

I'm sure there's 'project me' positivity in there somewhere ... I'm just to numb to see it right now!

Good God I sound cranky 😉