For the first time ever I wrote an entire blog entry and deleted it. Why? Because it sounded like an agony aunt column and I didn't have an agony aunt day.
Okay, some people might call it a little loopy, but I'm sure I'm not the only person who spends their day talking to themselves.
Seriously, like: "Right Jodene, you've woken up feeling so much better than yesterday and you thought you'd feel worse. When are you ever going to learn that you are actually on the mend? Silly girl!"
Yes, I call myself 'silly girl' often, but it really is a term of endearment .... really it is!
I had a fat conversation with myself about my low immune system and that fact that I'm not going to lose all my followers if I tell them that kitty gave the whole family ringworm. Yes, it's gross and itchy. Honestly, it's made me a little depressed.
I had a fantastic conversation with myself over breakfast and decided that I need to find a 9 to 5 job.Yep, at this point the madness set in and I totally tried to convince myself that being single, living with my family, dealing with weight issues and a lack of money stripped me of all rights to follow the career path I have chosen.
After getting stuck on chapter 4 of the novel and deciding that one stupid sentence is going to fail me as a writer, I decided that it might be time to change the conversation I was having with myself.
Shame ... it's a terrible thing. It's something that we do to ourselves all the time and so very difficult to stop. Most of the shame we carry around is all self inflicted and the kicker is that it is usually masked by an addiction. Hmmm ... now the conversation got interesting!
My addiction is food and there was?definitely?shame - but I was eating a healthy bowl of oats, sipping on green tea and making an equally substantial grocery list, all while scolding myself. My story has been out there long enough. Cravings are my biggest fear and my greatest torment and I haven't had them for 48 hours.
Do you believe in?synchronicity?
I do! I believe that as soon as you tell yourself a truth and decide to do something different then the Universe (Yes, you are that very Universe) sets the stage for you to 'just do it'.
Last Tuesday night I made that choice when I spoke my truth to Greggie and my mom and by Friday morning I had taken my first Slimlab tight 'n tone tablet.
Yesterday I had such an important and totally synchronised chat to Niel who is the incredible sponsor of the Slimlab tabs. Yet again, I spoke more truth and set the stage for more support from the Universe. I'm petrified of my cravings. That's what makes me thing I don't have the right to do what I do ... I can't say no to the cravings! But then I realised that there is such an important lesson in that very truth.
Yesterday I asked for help and took advice. Me, the teacher!
When did I think that I needed to do so much on my own? What was so hard about saying, tell me what to do?
Niel knows me and I think I could put money on it that he will say something has changed. He'll tell you about this stubborn girl who didn't need help, was always right and wouldn't listen to anyone. He'll tell you that if ever I'm going to make changes, it's now ... because I'm doing something totally different. I'm being vulnerable. I'm being real and I'm asking for help.
How nuts is that ... right?
I'm doing the same thing with Greggie and with my mom!
I chose not to drive because that is nutty. I know that I will know when I am ready and that does make me a good teacher.
I went shopping with a grocery list of the food that I love to eat, and what do you know, it is healthy,?nutritious?and totally nutty ... really nutty, like almond and cashew nutty.
Besides shopping I can't say I have done anything at all. I didn't finish reading my book. I didn't catch up on the recorded TV programs. I didn't drive the car or go for the walk. Instead, I 'project me'd' ... I was totally conscious and let my mind sound nutty for a while because I spoke some sense. I did something different and something that scared me. I made a list of nutty goals and then remembered that purpose is far more important, so I tossed the goals and had fun instead!
So that's why I totally deserve to do what I do ... Totally?goalless, absolutely purposeful!