If I don't do it and say it then I'm not dealing with me in the true light of 'project me'. Yesterday I had a gorgeous blogged planned and when my very special and innocent friend, Irvin Sammons, sent the photographs to me I fell apart. I ended up simply posting my Christmas Country song for the day and then scurrying off to bed.
We all have shame and I just happen to carry mine in a very physical way. When I started 'project me' and in my attempt to be goalless, I did a lot of focusing on the positive aspects of me. I don't have any issues saying that I'm pretty and can even carry a very confident self off in the bedroom. I love my eyes, am proud that my boobs are real and look fantastic in the right bra (thanks to Oprah and my gay best friend).
However, there is a distinct shame around certain parts of my appearance. Firstly, I am still adjusting to having lost so much weight that I don't see how far I have come. This makes me frantically want to hide any evidence of imperfections in photographs. That's pretty impossible considering we are a camera snappy crowd and my blog needs personal pics of me.
Secondly, I become neurotic about how a pic must be taken of me and the photographer always has to be standing above me. Here is the shame out there for the world to see. Do you see the chin? Now do you see that distinctly looks as though I have a double chin? Bottom line ... can you see how chubby my face looks? That is soul destroying for me ... if it sounds dramatic then more the reason to finally admit the photographic chaos.
Boys meet me and think I'm pretty and sexy. I can't deny those facts about me either. I know that who I am is skin deep ... blah blah blah ... it doesn't take away from the shame I feel and from the horrific image I have of myself at that point.
If you don't believe me then just as my friends. Ask them how picture taking loses its?spontaneousness. Ask poor Irving, who is a professional photographer, the potential I have to ruin his esteem in the process.
The irony is this: I have started dealing with my food addictions and shame issues. I have graciously accepted SlimLab and the supporting product to assist me along the journey as I deal with the underlying and deep-seeded issues and I decided to take pictures for the blog to show my progress. Then, in the complete opposite of 'project me', I fall apart when I see what the camera shows me.
Alright, I do have a bone to pick with Irvin ... he can't sit on the floor and take an upshot of my poor shameful chin. Besides that he ?is a brilliant photographer and I would love him as an official sponsor to track my 'project me' progress as I face one of the greatest demons of my life. If anything ... I'm waiting for him to tell me to suck eggs because of the stress and chaos that is caused by something that should just be fun.
So that's it! If I didn't post one of the pics that made me cry and if I hid what is going on from you then I am only perpetuating the shame and I will have had a day not worthy of 'project me'. I have come too far and have seen the rewards in telling all my truth, making it conscious and real and then doing something about it.
Huge! This is huge! I like a boy and am in a state that he might see this pic and think "um, no". How horrible? But I had to tell you that too ... just to demonstrate how very huge it is to splash my fears out there for you to see ... double chin and all!
Irvin, if you will still have me, I would be honoured to have you capture my life for the world to see 😉
Christmas Country countdown: Seeing as though Carrie cleaned up at the American Country Awards held last night in Vegas ... day 18 is dedicated to the queen of Country, singing Do you hear what I hear?