If I don't do it and say it then I'm not dealing with me in the true light of 'project me'. Yesterday I had a gorgeous blogged planned and when my very special and innocent friend, Irvin Sammons, sent the photographs to me I fell apart. I ended up simply posting my Christmas Country song for the day and then scurrying off to bed.
We all have shame and I just happen to carry mine in a very physical way. When I started 'project me' and in my attempt to be goalless, I did a lot of focusing on the positive aspects of me. I don't have any issues saying that I'm pretty and can even carry a very confident self off in the bedroom. I love my eyes, am proud that my boobs are real and look fantastic in the right bra (thanks to Oprah and my gay best friend).
However, there is a distinct shame around certain parts of my appearance. Firstly, I am still adjusting to having lost so much weight that I don't see how far I have come. This makes me frantically want to hide any evidence of imperfections in photographs. That's pretty impossible considering we are a camera snappy crowd and my blog needs personal pics of me.
Secondly, I become neurotic about how a pic must be taken of me and the photographer always has to be standing above me. Here is the shame out there for the world to see. Do you see the chin? Now do you see that distinctly looks as though I have a double chin? Bottom line ... can you see how chubby my face looks? That is soul destroying for me ... if it sounds dramatic then more the reason to finally admit the photographic chaos.
Boys meet me and think I'm pretty and sexy. I can't deny those facts about me either. I know that who I am is skin deep ... blah blah blah ... it doesn't take away from the shame I feel and from the horrific image I have of myself at that point.
If you don't believe me then just as my friends. Ask them how picture taking loses its?spontaneousness. Ask poor Irving, who is a professional photographer, the potential I have to ruin his esteem in the process.
The irony is this: I have started dealing with my food addictions and shame issues. I have graciously accepted SlimLab and the supporting product to assist me along the journey as I deal with the underlying and deep-seeded issues and I decided to take pictures for the blog to show my progress. Then, in the complete opposite of 'project me', I fall apart when I see what the camera shows me.
Alright, I do have a bone to pick with Irvin ... he can't sit on the floor and take an upshot of my poor shameful chin. Besides that he ?is a brilliant photographer and I would love him as an official sponsor to track my 'project me' progress as I face one of the greatest demons of my life. If anything ... I'm waiting for him to tell me to suck eggs because of the stress and chaos that is caused by something that should just be fun.
So that's it! If I didn't post one of the pics that made me cry and if I hid what is going on from you then I am only perpetuating the shame and I will have had a day not worthy of 'project me'. I have come too far and have seen the rewards in telling all my truth, making it conscious and real and then doing something about it.
Huge! This is huge! I like a boy and am in a state that he might see this pic and think "um, no". How horrible? But I had to tell you that too ... just to demonstrate how very huge it is to splash my fears out there for you to see ... double chin and all!
Irvin, if you will still have me, I would be honoured to have you capture my life for the world to see 😉
Christmas Country countdown: Seeing as though Carrie cleaned up at the American Country Awards held last night in Vegas ... day 18 is dedicated to the queen of Country, singing Do you hear what I hear?
Jodene... You and Greg made a pertinent point about my photography when we were in Salt Rock... I show the truth through my pictures. And although at the time it may have seemed heartbreaking to me... and believe me it was... it was a point that confirmed my love for photography right there and then...
I've come to my darling Nikon and my eye more than ever over the past few weeks, knowing that I'm going to capture pure soul essence... Agreed, what I see is a work of art... although the person on the other side may not think so...
Let's just clear a few things up about the chin saga.... There is CHIN, there is SHADOW, there is DOUBLE CHIN and there is NECK....
After our rather destroying talk last night, I send a few pics to other togs (photographers) for crit).. And they came back with.. WOW, STUNNING, AWESOME CAP, and and and...
And to be noted here... I made reference to 'double chin sagas'... all of which went straight past that one to the actual subject,...
So taking a good look at the pic above.... there's no double chin - it's chin, neck and shadow... but that wasn't where my focus was lying... look a little further up the face to the most beautiful eyes that carry so much love... the wavy hair... with one of the most stunning background setting you could have ever asked for.....
Putting them all together... I see a woman with one of greatest hearts around....
Let us fight about the pics.... Our friendship and love is far deeper than ever thought of....
Okay ... so I'll just burst out crying now!
I know, I know ... I'm focusing on the most pathetic details when there is so much good and beauty, but that is what shame is! That's why I did the blog and posted one of the pics in the end my friend ... because I knew what I did to myself and I knew what I did to you! I have also taken today to have a good look at the pics and I can see what my insecurities did. They are not bad at all ... they may be real but they are not bad!
I couldn't have said it better so I will just say it again ... Let us fight about the pics ... our friendship and love is far deeper than ever thought of ... love you my friend!
OH... and to add on to this... It's not "Oh the shame" it's "Oh the realization!"
Well... not that what I say really matters 😉 I think you're just perfect as is... okay so I must confess that I have a soft spot for girls in glasses... but...
Anyhow, it is the imperfections that make us special (kinda like Harlequin Quartz - it's the imperfections that make it so beautiful). Never want to change that... it is what makes you uniqe (well just like everyone else).
But someday you'll look back and realise that no matter how you may have seen yourself, how awesome you really did look. But hey, I'm just sayin'
Firstly, what you say does count ... a lot!!!
Secondly, who wears glasses? Tee hee!
and then, thank you for that reminder my friend. I know that I am having an overly dramatic time of late and project me is sure to bring up issues that I have to get over more than rectify. After all, what if there is nothing to fix?
Jo I love this picture of you, you are glowing and think you should be very proud of just how far you have come in the last few years re your weight.
So stop being so hard on yourself. I also have poor body image right now but realise that it is not going to change overnight and I will have to
work at getting myself to a place I am happy with but for now this is me 🙂
Love u lots
Thank you Kimmie. I know that you have been along a lot of this journey for me. I had to do the blog because it's the chaos of the mind right now, but I do know that it's not as bad as the ego is making it out to be.
In the meantime, I look at the pics of you and think there is nothing at all that you have to change about yourself ... don't you love that? LOL
I love you too!
Jo, you are a very beautiful and very brave lady. I think it takes a lot of courage to point out the faults that you see in yourself. When I saw your photo, my first though was how happy, confident and carefree you looked. You glow. Perhaps not how you see that photo but we are always our worst enemies. I do admire you and well done for sharing, not many of us can or would. Lots of love xxx
Sorry it's taken so long to reply Mands, I've kinda been getting over myself.
I think a lot of the stuff stems from school days and I really should put it down now ... so thank you for such a beautiful message and for reminding me of the things I sometimes forget.
Thank you for reminding me how big it is of me to actually share my life for the world to see ... you have no idea how much it means to me that you took the time to comment and spread some light on my chaos.
Lots of love to you too 😉
Ah Jo, is it wrong to be glad that I'm not the only one who does this? I will do whatever I have to to get out of pictures of me, no one lets me, but I make damn sure I make it painful for them. How dare they take pictures of me when I look so terrible! How dare they make me sit there and pretend to enjoy having evidence photographed of my failure!
When I look at you, I don't see these supposed imperfections and it makes me wonder why you do. Because you are one hell of a woman, amazing in every sense, and something so trivial as a 'double chin' shouldn't take any of that away. It doesn't define you, because everyone is blown away by the rest of you that nothing else matters to us. It's the same thing people says to me almost daily, yet I can say it and see it in others, but I can't feel it for myself. We are our own worst critic after all.
We both have to work on this...maybe we can do it together? :*
My recent post Im sinking
I don't even know how to respond to you my very precious friend, and after just having read your blog post I think that you need a little reminding of just how brave, beautiful and incredible you are.
As a matter of fact, you look so gorgeous with your new hair that I'm considering following in your sexy footstepsl
Hang in kiddo .... you are gonna be just fine ... and yes, we ARE in this together already!!!
Love you my friend!
Thank you and I love you too! MWUAH.
I think you'd look hot hot hot in red hair!!
My recent post Baby stepand maybe a leap
Watch this space babe ... there is a big change on its way 😉
Well Irvin just about had me in tears too.....I understand that shame all too well. He is right though Jo, you are a woman with one of the greatest hearts I have ever come across!
Thank you so much for the comment my friend! I know that we have had many chats about this shame and how it impacts our lives. Thank you for always believing in me and for showing me what it means to follow your dreams no matter what. Send my love to Mitch and have an amazing time together my darling friend!