No, I'm not!
With tears rolling down my face, in the office of one of my clients where I'm laying it all open, because if I don't then I have no right to be the blogger, the inspiration, the friend that so many people have come to know me as.
I would have been silent for so much longer, if the Tweets didn't start filtering in from some amazing human being who noticed that I've been absent online for the past week or so. One special humans in particular, who entered my life through a Tweet, found the hole I was hiding in and hollered into it for the world to see.
Aaah, my Spiced Weasel just wouldn't let it alone, would she? How perfectly I tried to dance around the truth, which only sparked a flurry of other people noticing my silence and asking me where I was, how I was and why I was hiding.
I am hiding!
I'm hiding away from anyone who looks up to me or cares for me or believes in me because I've had the saddest thing happen. For the first time in well over a decade, I've forgotten how to believe in myself.
I was going to absolutely avoid blogging until I found a ray of anything to hold onto, but then my dear friend, Joanne, told me that this is exactly what Project Me is about. This is why I do have the love and support that I do, because I let the world see me vulnerable and I tell the truth of what it's like to be all the things that make us human.
I didn't believe her!
Then my bestie took me for dinner and instead of sitting with the girl who has the never give up attitude and who always find something to pull me out of the positive, he found me fighting every positive thing he tried to point out about what I have achieved, how I have changed and where I am today in comparison to when he first met me a decade ago.
Yesterday I was with yet another friend, who praised me for the journey she has watched me live online in just this year alone and I faked my positive smile and self pride.
Because the space I'm in doesn't stem from a lack of pride in what I have achieved as a business woman or a friend. I would be stupid and ungrateful and undeserving of any more gifts from the Universe (know that we are the Universe) if I didn't acknowledge where I was and where I am now. My achievements and my work is the reason I have managed to get out of bed over these past few days, when all I've wanted to do is hide away, with my cats, who love me without knowing anything about me except love and caring.
So what's the problem then?
I'm drowning. I'm drowning in my own disappointments of personal failures. The only way I can describe it is that girl in a country song who dreams of leaving her small town her whole life and she just never manages to leave. I could go into the drivel ?of all the elements that I feel like I let myself down, constantly, but single, overweight, gymspirationless, living with mom & never getting to spend even an hour of my day on what I want to do most, kinds sums it up. I'm not looking for sympathy, empathy, a hug or a message that reiterates how much I'm loved or admired and I'm certainly not looking for any of that motivational, positive, self help jargon that is so easy in theory. Especially now, when I think the formula that I'm wanting to offer the world is failing me ... my very own Project Me doesn't seem to be working. Not today or this past week or year, but for over a nearly all my life.
My Joanne also told me that it's not a bad thing to show the world my broken, because maybe that's what ?they need. Someone who has broken bits, but still has great success or elements of happiness to share with the world. So I'm the person who's willing to show the world that we are all a little broken a lot of the time. Yay me!!!
That's all I have!
My blog posts usually make me feel better ... this one didn't! I'm not ungrateful, I'm not clinically depressed, I'm just a girl who is discovering how very human I am and that is so much harder to overcome some things in our lives when others flow so easily!
So for now ... no, I'm not okay!