Pain in the butt - project me day 241

30 August 2010

That's literally where the pain has settled itself. I feels like I'm sitting on it and when I told the chiro I felt as though a sumo wrestler should sit on, she didn't think that was the wisest idea. I feel as though I'm running out of ideas but she seems to have faith for the both of us that my body will heal.

It's a pity that there aren't other remedies for the other types of pain in the butt that I have to deal with. Like:

When I'm stressed I cough. It's this type of asthma thing that I chose as an additional kicker with all the other drama in my life. So my butt hurts like hell, but when I cough it feels as though someone whacks me in the ass with a hammer. So I try not cough because of the pain but the whole back issue is making me cough because of the stress it's causing ... pain in the butt.

I'm most comfortable lying down and have finally discovered the only couch in the house that totally relieves my back and that I can balance my laptop nicely on my knees while my feet are supported on the armrest. Yay four the thought of hours of writing again ... if only the chiro hadn't have burst my bubble and told me that lying flat all day is the worst thing for my back ... damn, pain in the butt.

All my deadlines are self inflicted, except for the one little blurb for the newsletter that goes out tomorrow. I takes the smallest spark of enthusiasm and I just can't seem to find it. Come hell or high water I have to have those two sentences at Greggie by midnight. Of course it's my self inflicted pain in the butt deadline. At least it's the only one I've got so 'project me' is still doing it's thing. Actually, when I look at everyone else around me I can't believe how well I take care of myself and how little everyone seems to share their hurt, pain or fears with anyone. That has got to be a pain in the butt?

I had my hair cut today in the gorgeous Meg Ryan style. It's a pity that I cried the whole day and am totally not up to showing you how gorgeous it looks with puffy eyes. Such a pain in the butt that I got double the amount of tears than anyone else I know. Hair does look gorgeous though!

Greggie and I spoke for hours today. I knew I was going to cry way before arriving at him and even went to the chiro with no make up on. For some reason there were certain trigger points that she did some?acupuncture?on that just made me want to cry. Those needles are a serious pain in the butt by the way. At points I had to remind myself that I would be at Greggie in a few minutes so I didn't have to burst out crying and test my chiro's psychological?Councillor?skills. It's bad enough that she apologises every time she inflicts any kind of pain on me ... which is every half a minute.

It's a pain in the butt when Greggie and I share our realisations with each other. We have become accustom to being each other's sounding board while we ramble on and hear our own egos spew out pain in the butt truth. At some point even the most broken part of myself has to finally admit the realities.
Yesterday I had my first?official failed sexual experience (since I sorted out my sex life and healed the past that is). Seriously, like whatever I did I just count get this guy to the big finish. He kept on telling me not to take it personally and we both got into more and more of a state as the second past. The pain in the butt part is that before we got all heated he did admit to me that it was his full intention to just use me for sex because he was curious about what it would be like with someone who did tantra and taught about it. His pain in the butt moment was when he worked out that I am actually a decent chick and he couldn't bring himself to use me. My pain in the butt moment was that I let if get heated even after he admitted that curiosity outweighed attraction. The truth is ... It should have been a flopped experience because I was selling myself and my soul at that moment. The additional pain in the butt is that I felt it the whole time and didn't stop.

The most painful pain in the butt part is that I know that everything happens because we want it to and we need it to. I have no one to blame and don't want to go into hurting myself or punishing myself either. 'Project me' is about the consciousness, the fun and the truth and the pain in the butt part is that I don't have it in me to turn a blind eye to gifts I give myself with every experience. The pain in the butt is that I'm not stuck on making everything rosy ... I'm into telling myself the truth and sometimes that truth is harsh and ugly. It does give me the opportunity to do something differently though and that's the whole point of 'project me'.

The pain in the butt thing is that doing it different means I have to actually listen to the soft whispering voice of my esteem and not shut it out in hope of one extra blog, an additional few hours work, the promise of starting to be healthy tomorrow, or the desperate need for an orgasm!

10 comments on “Pain in the butt - project me day 241”

  1. Don't let one bad experience set you back, get back up on that horse!

    Oh and the dude that couldn't climax was definately due to his stuff not yours.

    He verbalised his intentions,and then probably felt guilt when he realised what

    a great chick you actually are it led to his performance anxiety. Douche bag!

    1. Sorry it took so long to reply Kimmie ... still got the pain in the butt.
      I think I needed time to process whose stuff belongs to whom and I wouldn't have the right to share my story if I didn't give him his issues right back! I'm still super sexy and a great fan of sex 😉

      Love you for all your unwavering support!

  2. Truth is always entirely neutral.

    Both 'rosy' and 'harsh and ugly' are your mind's choice of judgement. Totally free choice. Totally our responsibility. Nothing to do with Truth.
    My recent post Weekly Moos Issue 64

    1. It's all neutral my friend ... I then chose and took full responsibility and in that paradigm I call it 'my' truth!

      Wink 😉

  3. It was an awesome day, Jo. Sometimes a pain in the butt is what is needed to get up off it and start working through it. Well, in my case it definitely is!
    Thanks for the chat yesterday, my friend.
    My recent post Fear is a drama

    1. It felt the beginning of a new chapter in an already amazing story. We have a page turner alright ... even though some of those pages have stories of sadness, frustration and fear!

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