I started off with a hot cup of comfort tea to write my manic blog, but the tea's gone cold and the mania hasn't subsided. It's not clinically diagnosed mania. It's just an old pattern that seems to have raised it's ugly head for soon to be revealed and very obvious reason. But first ... I do need to remember that 'project me' was designed for moments exactly like this, so I am going to go and remake a hot cup of comfort tea.
The kitchen is a treturous place for an emotional eater like me and I would pick a night to have an emotional crisis when the nephews decide not to finish their pizza that is now sitting on their little Toy Story plates in the fridge.
This dumb ass question of 'what is soul craving'?' is?gnawing?away at my ego right now and only making the agitation worse. Why not give in and just have a slice of pizza? Well ... that's exactly what my ego would want. That's what always runs through the mind of the comfort food eater. There is a frustration that is heightened by the attempt to resist food that has no value or comfort to the soul at all, so we eat the food to avoid the additional?aggravation.
Clearly I usually want to kill someone with my bare hands until I get those very hands into some comfort food, but now that I know better and am really facing one of my biggest addictions it's more like I want to chew off someone's finger and toe nails and skin them alive.
I know ... that doesn't sound fun at all, but when I get through this and wake up to my bowl of oats in the morning after overcoming my crazy ego obsession with avoiding?frustration?by stuffing my face ... it will have been a magically fun ride.
Why all the frustration?
It's one thing when I don't get much in a day. I can live with that and have gotten over the guilt that used to drive me to work all night long. It's a totally different story when I set out to get things done in a day and don't manage to compelete them for reasons totally out of my control.
Firstly, today was officially the last day that I had a relationship with Reiki as the Master teacher. My final student came for her Advanced symbol and now I am officially all Reikied out. Well if I wasn't done with the Reiki I was reminded of why I gave up teaching when my dearest student arrived 40 minutes late. I'm not the kind of person to cancel because I know that?rescheduling is only going to put me out. I am also not the kind of person to ruin the moment and this attunement is a special moment for this young girl. That being said, I only sat down to work well over an hour and a half after I had planned to.
That's not the only hurdle ... the rest is all technology based.
I have finally settled into staying at home and getting work done instead of going to Greggie every day. I am much more productive in silence, but now I have a new crisis that is totally self inflicted. Because of my crazy-head make up and the fact that I have spent my life proving myself, I have to have a certain amount of work done by the meeting on Monday. No, that's not an?agreement?with Greggie. We have no deadlines. There is no point to prove. He doesn't care how I work or how much I get done in a day.
It's just psycho me who has set crazy ass goals and thing that have to be done by Monday so that I can say I've been working! Of course I've been working ... I'm an ex?workaholic. Instead of working like a psycho maniac I have toned it down to just maniac and it still doesn't feel good enough for me.
While I've been home in technology hell, Greggie has been making magic in dealing with some great potential clients. The greater it looks the worse my technology nightmare seems to be growing and does the anxiety, frustration and need to work till all hours of the morning ... if I get to sleep at all.
For some crazy reason my internet connection keeps dropping. Sometimes it's once in an hour and other times it's every 10 minutes. When that begins to settle the connections is so damn slow that I can't get anything saved online. When that finally settles down and chills out my damn computer switches off. It just decides it?s tired and the thing goes to sleep for a while. I can?t turn it back on too soon because it won?t reboot ? so I have to wait.
Just typing this blog alone I have had to reconnect at least 5 times. I could scream! I could smash things! I could eat glass and it would be less painful!
So I planned to get the following done today: Write to my Facebook group and tell them I?m shutting it down and they must follow me on my fan page. (Didn?t get to that ? damn connection!)
I was supposed to shut down that group and start doing some marketing on my fan page but that didn?t happen either.
It was too frustrating to write so I decided to do the tedious work of moving archived newsletters from my old website to my new one. Well wasn?t that just the dumbest idea on the planet. I had to press save every 2 minutes and because the internet is slow it took about 1 minute to save and by that time it disconnected. I seriously went a little psycho I tell you.
To make things crazier, I couldn?t get the formatting of the old newsletters to fit into the website and I couldn?t get hold of my Knight. Sitting around waiting for my laptop was like hell on earth. Can you hear the mania?
So very long story short ? I managed to load three newsletters and have? two and a half years worth to do. And now the mania begins. I?m finishing it tonight if it kills me. I have tried to convince myself that it?s ok to have a day of total unproductively but I can?t let it go. The weeks seem to be flying and I feel like I didn?t get done what I set out to do.
Workaholic patterns have kicked back in ? not even ?project me? seems to be able to get the desperate need to get finished under control. It?s funny because it?s still working in the food department so I haven?t totally lost my way ? but I?m finishing it tonight dammit!
PS ? I?m not tagging ? it will waste time on my psycho workaholic mission 😉