It's easy to keep sane, fit, in routine, positive, healthy ... all that good stuff, when life is all sunshine and roses. It's not that easy when life feels like it's picking on you from all angles.
I just did a post, bitching about Monday ... but it's Tuesday. That's a pretty clear indication of how out of this world it was *sarcasm*.
Everything seems to be failing me lately, from technology to people seeing when I need them. Communication is frustrating, confusing or non existent and I have spent the last few days trying to keep my head above water while the world clings onto the impression that Jodene can handle anything.
I sent this to someone special today:
Then I left it lying on my desk and before the hour was through, I was staring at it and reminding myself to JUST BREATHE.
I have no clue when I got so busy again and when I held so much work on my plate, all due for one time. It's less of a complaint and more of an astounded question seeing as though I am awake at 4am and working after having meditated within the hour.
Somehow, I still find my days filled with frustration because it's me against the world.
Disclaimer: I know that I sound like a martyr and for today, I'm going to allow myself this. I've come a long way from the insecure, codependent, scared girl that I used to be, but it doesn't mean the emails that don't get returned, the promises not kept, the one sided support and the late night catch-ups aren't beginning to gnaw away at me.
Bitching over and time to pat myself on my back. Okay, it's more like dance around the room, give myself a big squeeze and kiss my reflection in the mirror.
Martyr may have kicked in, but my saboteur didn't. It's days like these where I would have hunted down comfort food, lay in bed for hours to avoid starting the day, been to stressed to exercise and lashed out at the world for not caring. Instead, I became conscious of the parts of myself I have worked so hard at bringing out of the shadows and into the light.
I focused on how much better I felt on a good day when I exercised and held out that, on a bad day, it might lift my spirits. I half trained, but I sweated and my heart rate raced up, which made me feel proud. I was starving and did crave sugar, so I reminded myself of how good I feel without it and I made an alternate (healthier) plan. I worked with a new found order and shifted the old patterns of making everything a priority. I reminded myself that I have come through so much, when I felt like I was going to sob from frustration, disappointment and hurt.??I spoke my truth every step of the way and nothing became dramatic of a mess that would need fixing when the waters calmed down.
I'm still behind, lost, upside down ... but I'm also sticking to what I figured out really worked while the going was good, so I'm sticking to that. It's not a walk in the park and it took me years to finally get right, but I did and so will you.
The Project Me key is really watching yourself when times are good and making the most of those highs, so you have a reminder of what you can get through and how you survive what is thrown at you. Just remember ... be so very kind to yourself, because there are some days when you are the only one who is.
I love this read, Jodene - especially the last line - thanks for the reminder! As Dory would say, just keep swimming 😉
Hahaha, oh you have no idea how many times a day I remind myself to just keep swimming. Thanks so much my friend. I do hope that I'm becoming more real in my story with each blog post.