Walking up on a freezing morning for the second time in a row and I decided that gym wasn't on the cards. It takes ?a lot to make good excuses now that I'm so focused on being conscious every day and living in my truth. The excuse was easy enough to be convincing without it being too much of a lie. Greggie and I had the last day in the recording studio from about 2pm onwards and I couldn't also go to gym and cut the day any shorter.
My first day of trying to eat low gi as best as I could without having gone out and bought all the right stuff and the day started fabulously. I had all the right things for breakfast and felt that I'd be happily fueled till my mid morning snack arrived. I'm determined not to diet because that is so not 'project me' ... but that's also so not the family programming. I come from a family where the focus has been on food and the quantity that is eaten. Bless my dad, but he did use to watch how much we all ate and clearly that only made me eat more ... oh ... I'm not blaming because I know I'm a big enough girl to now know that I'm not the same little girl. I dealt with that years ago ... but I've always still counted calories without really knowing it. Hmmm ... when it comes to balancing out sugars, by the end of ?day 111 I had learned the hugest lesson.
I was freaking starving by the end of the day ... so bad that I was trying to stick to the whole low gi thing and nothing was satisfying me. I can relate to that need to want to eat your own arm and so the cry for help began. I've also grown so much that I'm happy to admit when I need help, so relaxed a little and gave myself the well needed rush of sugar in the form of a yummy bowl of my nephew's cereal. It did the trick and went to sleep knowing that it's off to an expert to tell me how to eat and sort this out.
Wow, have I changed ... my sister has been trying to get me to go to her?dietitian?for well over a year and my stubborn ass has not needed help at all ... 'project me' has helped me learn that a little sos won't kill the ego.
Writing is my passion, but I have this one little block ... I can't seem to bring myself to write the blog for Step Aside. I spent the whole of Monday fighting it and the whole of Tuesday ignoring it and half way through my morning with Greggie, I had to ask for help. So ... I've gotten myself in a significant enough pickle for a completely irrational and unecessary state ... I couldn't even put my finger on it without going into the fairytale land of 'make up crazy issues'.
It's new for me to go "HELP" ... and wow ... he responded with a smile and a "sure" ... no freaking way, is it really that simple? For a girl who never ever asks for it, it's incredible!
The build up to the recording studio was not as much fun as it should be. I tried to make it that way by mocking myself and my nasally sounding voice and was even meaner to myself by thinking about the ease with which a little girl shows me up on the confidence levels. In the recording studio she pops into the booth, reads here lines so well and makes her mommy and everyone around her so proud. The whole time I'm thinking that I can't believe I've been roped into doing voice overs at a time when we can't pay all and sundry to bring our children's website to life.
While doing one recording the mixing guy shows us something fun and manipulates the voice into a whole lot of different ways. You know when that black cloud just lifts? Well ... that is the exact help I needed to make all my troubles go away. So ... I can now merrily walk into the studio and say my lines and then my voice will be manipulated ... wow ... I can sound young, wise, excited, less excited ... anything but the way I know I sound when recorded.
I love my relationship with the Universe ... I didn't even know the help I would be getting ... but I got it! Um ... I always do!
Asking for help isn't so bad after all.
Money ... oh freak!!!
I think the hardest place to ask for help is when it comes to money issues. ?We finally have courses ready to start running and I'm so excited to be teaching again, but I'm also thrilled to be finally making some money. It's amazing how conscious I've become of the pennies and have tried not to create?unnecessary?issues along the way. It's been a very interesting part of 'project me'. I can feel how far I have come and after a lengthy conversation in the car, Greggie and I can give oureselves a huge pat on the back. We have these amazing projects on the go and have a passion and determiantion that always has people admiring us. Other people's admiration does help, of course ... but there is nothing like patting ourselves on our own backs to push that self esteem sky high.
So why I am I battling to express that it's been a rough financial month and I need a new car tire and to see the?dietitian?and ... and ... and ...
The final straw came when my sister sms'd me for money I owe her for a present we all bought together. I hate that about my family ... we always have to do this joint thing and saying no is not the done thing .. it's a piddly amount, but I don't have it! Greggie even took his wallet out and I said 'no' ... fantastic one Jodene ... that is a clear indication that I do need some help with the money and the ego stuff.
Now, that's the whole point of 'project me' ... at least I am conscious enough to see what I do and I have the opportunities to fix those moments of whatever the hell they are ... is it shame? or ego? or self sabotage? I'm selfish is I don't acknowledge that no one around me is selfish ... it's me, silly me!
Money is always an interesting one to deal with and I couldn't have a better business partner and family to sort this one out. I'm surrounded by unconditional givers ... that's just the help I get given, but I have to know how to use that help well ... um ... still thinking!!!