I have a friend, I call my dragon.? And as you can imagine, it?s not a very good friend.? For most of my life I?ve lived with anxiety issues, OCD and depression.? It makes doing normal every day things difficult.?? Luckily I?m a reader and escape into a magical world every chance I can.? I can?t begin to tell you how much books have changed my life and my way of thinking.? But I don?t just read them, I want to write them, and have been practicing now for 17 years.
All my anxiety problems hit me when I was 5 years old, pretty much over night.? Over time I got to the point of getting physically sick just going grocery shopping. It made my childhood very difficult and hard to enjoy.? Ok so it made most of my life before I found antidepressants, aka my happy pills, difficult and hard to enjoy. ?Things hit rock bottom in 2004 when I had my first miscarriage.? It?s one of the darkest times in my life, and one that still has an impact on me.? I became pregnant with my son just a couple of months later, but I couldn?t enjoy it.? When he was a year and a half, I had a total breakdown while brushing my teeth.? To this day I won?t speak of the thoughts I had, but it was like standing in a hard down pour.? I was hit with one horrible thought after another.? I scared my husband so badly he wouldn?t go to work the next day.? A few days later I learned that I?d been right about being depressed all those years, but had no clue I also had OCD.
It?s been 5 years now, many happy pills later, and while I still deal with the anxiety and depression every day, I?m so much better than I used to be.? I got to a point of not wanting to leave my house, I was sure that everyone was laughing at how over weight I?d become.? Then I started imagining all the things that could happen to me and my family on road trips, even just to the grocery store.? Every day became a nightmare, but once the pills kicked in that all changed.? All of it.? Nothing was completely gone, but it was manageable.? I wasn?t 100% cured, but for the first time I felt like I was me, like I wasn?t just observing the world from above.? It was the coolest thing, and even on my worst days, I can still see a difference.
Most days I don?t feel brave or like I?ve accomplished anything, most days I feel like a total failure because my depression and OCD still affects what I do.? But I keep trying, because I?m determined not to let something like a mental disorder dictate my life and the mark I leave behind.
My writing has gone OCD I have to admit, if I don?t write I notice my moods turn dark and my anxiety goes on high.? Like any writer, I want published, I want it badly and every day I?m a little bit closer.
Today I?m a stay at home mom of two miracle babies, having lost three in miscarriages, I?m married to a remarkable man who says nothing if I read or write all day, and I couldn?t ask for more.
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On a personal note, I have been following The Lunatic Cafe blog for almost as long as I have been blogging. I remember the day I joined the blogging community and glazed over the thousands of blogs. Very few caught my eye, but only one stood out because of the truth that laced every word.
Nikki lives with a mental illness that is beyond my comprehension. Her bravery came shining through from the moment I read her first post. So did her humour. Because I believe that there is always a reason to laugh, I have been a fan of her outlook on life and an admirer of her daily attempt at living life to the full.
Although we are thousands of miles away from each other and have never heard each others voices or given each other a hug, I would like to introduce you to one of my dearest friends. Her blog is nothing short of bold, real and a joy to read.