Damn my patriotism! Sometimes it?s not all that it?s cut out to be when something runs through your veins and is as much a part of your DNA as the essence of your being.
I?ve had one of those days where I?ve dealt with all the things that run through my veins but frustrate the living daylights out of me.
While in the moment I might as well admit that I?m a Lions rugby supporter. Yes, that would be that national Lions team. The very team that is currently playing the Sharks and just let a try slip through their hands ? AGAIN. It?s the story of their rugby career for far too long and I?ve actually been laughed at in public when mentioning that I?m still the patriotic girl (and they just let another try go ? grrrrr) who supports this unbelievably non-performing team. For a glimmer of time the Lions led the Sharks and I stared at the screen, savouring the moment and knowing that it wouldn?t last very long.
I?ve contemplated supporting another team. My dad was born in the Cape and I could very well turn my shouts to the Western Province team. Both my brother-in-laws support the Sharks and that?s close enough for me to buy a black rugby shirt ? but my heart won?t be having any of it. I have the heart of a lion, even if it?s the cowardly lion at the moment and even if it has the raw of a day old kitty.
As I?m writing I?m trying to work out why I?m putting myself through watching this diabolical game, but once again my response is ? I have the heart of a lion.
You can go ahead and laugh at me, I don?t mind because right now I?m laughing at myself. You have to admit that I deserve huge points for even daring facing the humiliation of the truth that flows through this blog, but I?ll take my chances.
While hearing the cheers of yet another Shark?s try, I reflect back on Saturday that so should have been filled with sunshine and fresh air. Instead, I sat by my computer the whole day and dug deep in into my heart once again. I have been determined to write my first letter of ?begging and pleading? better known as ??the pitch letter to the editor of a magazine. Which editor? I?m starting local and working my way up to the glossy covered one ? over time of course.
I might be eating my way through a stressful task, but my oh my do I feel like I?ve got the heart of a lion right now. Why couldn?t I be the girl who stuck to the first secretarial job I ever did? Why did I have to have the heart that calls me further and deeper into my huge dreams and aspirations? Why couldn?t I have married the first boy who kissed me, (um ? that?s just writing ramblings because it totally wasn?t a good kiss, if first kisses ever are!) and married him and had two children and ? you know the rest. It?s magical for so many people around me and I know that so many people wish it for me too, but my lion heart wants something different. My heart just wants to write.
Well, there?s a little more that I want to do than just write, but where I am today is the only place I want to be. Not physically, although I couldn?t really complain about anything right now because my life is exactly on track. I did have a week filled with scary moments, financial realisations and tough choices that made me stop and questions very choice I have made. Damn my lion heart because I wouldn?t change a thing. The money belt is tightening, which aligns the exact topic I wrote in last months newsletter ? that lack of money has nothing to do with money issues.
I am grateful that I was already feeling bolder before the financial realities hit because all it did was solidify the reality that I am doing the only thing I would want to do. I?m the only person I would want to be and even if my hips are a little larger than the required public?s approval and my hair was cut to short by some scissor happy girl or my vision is as shoddy as a blind bat without my contact lenses, my heart is filled with me loving me.
Sometimes I think it can be more frustrating than not knowing what you want in life or where you want to go. I had a long discussion with a fellow blogger the other night and he was battling to understand my need to be goalless, which is the whole point of ?project me?. He was trying to get me to understand that if I am going to write for editors then there are going to be deadlines and very specific goals. I totally get that and realised that maybe I haven?t made being ?goalless? comprehendible enough. In being goalless I also chose to be totally purposeful. When there is purpose then there is no need for goals.
In my heart is set like a compass towards my dreams and every day all I try do is live with purpose. Sometimes it?s a very purposeful day and others don?t have seemed to have generated much purpose at all and that?s what drives me. I don?t need goal and a I don?t need deadlines (although to not reach a deadline would be a totally purposeless experience). I just need the heart of a lion and to trust that it?s always set to ?me?.
That?s ?project me? ?