The 'how to' of change, including step-ball-change - Day 43

13 February 2010

While reading this entry please be aware that you should only heed my advice if you suffer similar life simptoms. If not ... please either take with a pinch of salt, laugh profusely or *sigh* and count your lucky stars that you're exempt from mayhem of 'some people's lives'.

My mind does it's 5:45am wake up call by slapping a remind that it's Friday and an entire two weeks have passed without flexing a gym muscle or refraining from eating the quantity of additional calories that I should have been burning off! I feel pathetic ... I lasted four weeks at gym before manifesting illness and convincing myself that copious amounts of comfort food would make me feel better! ... CHANGE ... If you thought it was 'change into gym clothes' ... I wasn't that enthusiastic, but I did stop beating myself up about it and panicking that I had fallen off the healthy wagon and rolled down the hill, watching it ride away with the image of my healthier self waving good-bye! ... I recommend this change and personally feel that self punishment is so overrated.

So the marketing team's been dismissed and Greggie (and the Jock) keep reminding me that I have the ability to market myself! No I don't ... marketing is so not my strong point ...
Don't you hate it when you're proved wrong ... by everyone, including yourself??
Dammit ... before breakfast the was an abundance of CHANGE, with plans, ideas and concepts. I'm rebranding, rewriting ... and ... well ... basically reinventing JODENE! Who'd have thought?
I'm shit scared because I really am much better hiding behind blogs, websites and webcams ... so the real me meeting the real them is sure to be a challenge ... but I'm ready to market, market, market!! ... I recommend a change in attitude towards the can, can't, will and won't of your abilities!

Okay, this CHANGE has been gradual, but it felt so kick ass today that I hope it's something you have to change and you can go along THIS awesome ride ...
I never had the voice, courage or belief in myself and my abilities to argue anyone when they disagreed with my ideas. I was a bit of a 'you know best' girl and as my self worth has found its roots, I've learned that I do know myself and my business well enough to tell anyone that I do know that my ideas will work, even if they go against the 'collective rules of business'. So the awesome CHANGE was felt when I pitched my new ideas to Greggie and didn't flinch when he played devils advocate! Forgetting about the rules of the collective and believing in yourself and your product is a change I'd highly recommend ... I mean, surely Mr Trump must have ignored a hell of a lot of stylist's advice!

A week has passed and I've been avoiding telling you the story of Mr Big, in the hope that he wouldn't pull his usual 'man with communication issues' stunt. Sadly, I have to admit to myself that the shmuck has forgotten the simple art of manners that states ... If you say you'll call to make plans before or on valentines, you'll ACTUALLY call and make plans. Something major has to CHANGE!
As tough as it is, it's pretty simple too! I ask myself how I want to be treated and I answer myself as to how I want to be treated and after asked and answered, I can't say that Mr Big comes close to what I know I want. I get the whole 'friends with benefits' thing, but I'm going more on the mutual respect thing and that carries more weight than an occasional dinner, friendly chat and ... you know the rest! So, this change is a bitch because I'm letting go of my 'sure thing' ... but I'm gaining the opportunity to root my self worth a little deeper in the ground and I'm gonna CHANGE Mr Big from the the 'FB" to the "mate" ... as much as it kills my ego and whips the safety net out from under me! Damn, don't you just hate that positive change that screams "new beginnings" in the one ear and "you're so gonna regret this" in the other?

You know that dating site I joined ... well I'm chatting to two great guys.
One is the charming Italian who's looking for serious and the other in rugged charmer who's not ready to commit!
Of course I think 'Charming' is oh, so sweet ... but he's taking his time and mailing every so often. On the other hand 'Charmer' is out there with sms's, phone calls and constant reminders that he's not ready for anything! Long story very short ... I spend the entire day chatting and flirting to 'Charmer' who makes it very clear that he's lovin' me, yet keeping me at bay because ... say it together now "he's not ready for anything!"
I get the most charming messing from 'Charming' and think ... hmmmm ... so not used to this kind of communication from a man ... but I carry on chatting to 'Charmer' because I like the in your face and flirty kind ... despite the commitment phobia!
And here's how my self worth let out the one scream .... 'CHANGE' ...
'Charmed' tells me he's done for the day and will chat on Monday! Hmmm ... it's valentine's weekend so I ask why we won't chat on the weekend! Oh, he's spending the weekend with someone, so he won't be able to chat! It's allowed ... I'm jealous ... I'm not needy ... I'm so not wanting him to marry me ... but something CHANGES!!! I think Greggie saw my whole energy change as the realisation sunk in! I've been the 'other girl' for far too long and I've attracted far too many 'I don't want commitment' guys! I might not be so sold on the conventional marriage thing ... but I still want my fairytale and 'happily forever in the moment'! I want some like, as close to as, or even ... 'CHARMING'! Don't quote me on this one because it's kinda a little too hot off the press, but I'm thinking this change in attitude and knowing is going make a touch of difference to who I'm welcoming into my 'love life'.

In two weeks I end a 9 year business partnership and I've been feeling guilty on so many levels. Greggie and I have had long moments of silence, which we never have. It's all because he does that annoying best friend thing of holding up the mirror for me too look at myself! Guilt is very belittling and annoying when you look back at the reflection of it ... so that's gonna CHANGE! The one thing I love about CHANGE is that once you've acknowledged that it has to happen, you don't have to work as hard at doing it!

Ok, so I don't drop name often, but if you're in the Jo'burg area you have to get yourselves down to the Fringe theatre and see an awesome show called 'Cinema WOW - The Dahlings'! If not, for a CHANGE ... buy yourselves some ticket to any show that's not splashed on broadway, but that's the best kept secret of your town ... you never know ... your toes might end up doing the 'step-ball-change' and you might be singing from the Soul, laughing from the belly and humming a happy tune through the stressed and hiccups of life for a few days after the curtains have long closed! It was exactly what the doctor ordered and made such a great CHANGE for a change!

And lastly ... when you're driving home after a long day of your own personal 'project me', search for the radios station that plays the golden oldies and crank it up! If you're lucky you can have a little moment like I had with my best friend as we burst into song ... I was "Sandra Dee" and Greggie was "Danny" and we were "Summer Lovin'" all the way home ... with no intention of making one single "CHANGE" at all!

2 comments on “The 'how to' of change, including step-ball-change - Day 43”

  1. Ah.. old show tunes. Actually most older tunes from the 70's + 80's we all seem to know the words. Don't even get me started on the Carpenters!

    It sounds like your sure thing is simply settling for what you know. While safe, I don't know if it will be fulfilling enough. When in a similar situation I eventually came to the realisation that it wasn't making me happy because it wasn't what I wanted. Nobody should have to settle and nobody should be settled with.

    We all deserve the best.

  2. ah, the carpenters ... we had a good laugh reminiscing on the songs we grew up on ... my all time bests were Barry Manilow, Donna Summer and of course ... Shirley Bassey (She's still my queen)!!! I'm still stuck in that time warp!! tee hee

    I'm thinking project me is going to be a bit of an overhaul as I go through some of the realisations that I'm guessing are up ahead for me and my self worth! 😉
    Starting with a little wondering about what is means to understand what we deserve!

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